Boo

Boo!
Thank goodness no Halloween candy came in this house until last night because I have already eaten enough for a week! I also cried because E put the mini peanut butter cups in with the candy to give out instead of in the freezer for my own personal stash. Stupid hormones!

Dash and Minnie Mouse are ready to go out and get more candy then they have seen in their lives. We will be eating a bowl of veggies for lunch and dinner to combat the junk we will be eating the rest of the week. It is good that I still have my strange asparagus craving. Speaking of asparagus, how much do I need this?
Parents can't trick or treat but everyone knows we beg for our kid's candy or steal some after they go to bed. What are you hoping your kids bring home for you this year? I would love a nice Baby Ruth.
I know you want to come by my house for candy we are giving away full size candy bars. Coveted by every trick or treater!

*Check back later for our trick or treat pictures. Also you can get Halloween tips and tricks here and don't forget to leave me your ghostly experiences here.

Scare Me

Yeah. I couldn't see any genitalia of any sort. Oh well, only 20 more weeks to go before we find out.

I love this time of year because there are great scary movies and haunted house shows on television. I love that stuff and always have. I am the girl who would scare herself to death by reading scary books while babysitting alone in a strange house. I have no idea why I would do that to myself but I loved to be scared. Now that I am older and slightly wiser, real life is scary enough so I try to slow down on the scary movies, but a good ghost story always thrills me.
I have never had any real ghostly experience but of course some of you have right?
Scare me, tell me about your ghostly experiences.

20 Weeks

Yesterday we went to this fine place. Storybook land is an amusement park for younger kids with rides they can all go on, especially my tall kids, they met all the height requirements. Having there been some height restriction failures in the past, I know how distraught they can be when denied access to a ride.
This was our first time at this particular park and the kids had a ball but I have to say some of the attractions were creepy.
It is an older park, so things are not brand new but there is something about an old stuffed animal wolf who "comes to life" to tell how he ate Grandma and is now dressed in her nightgown.
No wonder kids have nightmares.

Tonight is my 20 week ultrasound. This parasite and I have made it halfway through and it was rough but here we are. It feels like I have been pregnant forever.
We decided when we had the twins that if we ever had another child, we would not want to know the sex of the baby.
That is terrific in theory. I am a person who needs everything to be just right. I am a planner, a thinker, a person who worries that if we do not find out the sex of this baby how on Earth will I know what clothes to wash or which color crib sheets to buy? My husband, the kind soul, told me to find out but just not tell him.
How would that work out? It wouldn't.

So tonight we will go and make sure our baby is growing OK, the heart is beating, and the baby is healthy. I will of course, be checking out genitalia. That is if I can see or tell anything, something I have no hope in. I couldn't even tell I had two babies my very first ultrasound, it could have been a cat's ultrasound for all I know.
Did you find out your baby's sex and why or why not?

Checkup

My doctors want me to rest because of the pains I have been having. No lifting, no picking up my kids, no sex (ouch) and resting as much as I can for the next week until my next checkup.
Oh, and I gained 6lbs in 1 month. I celebrated by eating a piece of cheesecake after my salad. What a disgusting big fatty I am!

I am depressed about my weight now and I guess it will stay that was until after this baby comes out.
Lets hope it is a REALLY big baby and along with that lets also hope I decide to have a C section.

On Such a Rainy Day

I am so glad to hear that my body will never be just mine again. So reassuring.

Speaking of poking and prodding around my bod, I am going to a doctor's appointment today (I know you thought I was going to get dirty, ha, I tricked you), my scheduled appointment isn't until Tuesday, but I have been having bad pains in my stomach and back all day.
I shouldn't say ALL day because it goes away when I lay down but when I stand up or do anything, it is back.
Of course now that I turned into one of those pregnant ladies, you know the ones who call for any little stupid thing, I am sure the pains will go away.
I want to be safe so I will go.
I actually have been worrying because I have not felt the baby move yet. My 20 week ultrasound is not until Monday but it will be reassuring to hear the heartbeat today.

It is always nice to hear a heartbeat.

Can My Boobs Ever Be Just Mine?

Thank you guys for your gift suggestions on my last post. There are some great ideas that I think I will use this upcoming year.
I also think I have to just remind myself that maybe she will never like my gifts or me. Is that OK? Well, it will have to be because I can't control it.

Of course there are far worse mother in laws out there then mine. But I do have to give up my dream in law situation because that is just not the family I married into.

*************************************

My daughter pokes my boobs every morning and says "wow, Mom, your baby is getting so big"
Then I explain (again) that the baby is growing way south of where she is poking.
It makes me wonder when will I get my body back and when do people stop poking my breasts and inspecting my body?

Accept My Gifts, Accept Me

It is that time of year again, the one I dread. No, it is not because Halloween is around the corner, and it is not that the leaves are falling. What is upcoming is worse then Thanksgiving with no cranberry sauce.
It is my mother in law's birthday.

This year my in laws will be here in NJ for her birthday. Every year since I have dated E, I have given her gifts for mother's day, christmas and her birthday. Every year I get shot down. I fail. I don't get "it".

Cardigans like I always see her wear? I get a "that is nice".
Perfume? She doesn't wear it.
New Knife set? (I know, I was reaching) Nada.
Golf shirts? Wrong size
Manicure/pedicure/ massage gift certificate? She doesn't like anyone touching her body.
Custom made gorgeous topiary for her house? How will she get it home on the plane?
Let E buy the gift? He is as clueless about his mom as I am.
Pictures of the kids? BINGO

Pictures of our kids have been a popular and well loved gift since our kids were born. Of course they would be, she is a doting Grandmother.
I have given these gifts in every form: framed, personalized books, photo albums and collages. I think her comment last time I spoke to her was " I am running out of room on my walls and tables" was a hint to knock off the prints. You cannot blame me though, I was on a roll, she finally liked my gifts.
If she liked my gifts that means she liked me, right?

I want my mother in law to like me. I have know idea why after some of the things I heard her say about me. I know I am a good person, I am a good wife, I love her son and I know I am a good mother.
It must be hard to have another woman in your son's life, I am not looking forward to it myself, but don't you want your son to be happy?
I guess at the root of it, I just want to be accepted.

Now, now my friends, I have a dilemma. her birthday is in three weeks and I am desperate. I turn to you wise, internets for help. What should I get my mother in law for her birthday? She is retired, lives in Florida, likes chicken "things", likes to play golf, knits, doesn't wear makeup or perfume, is active, likes bad TV sitcoms and has three kids and four grand kids.
Any ideas?

Sniffing Markers

I was reading a post over at Kerflop where she was writing about her love of all things paper. She reminded me of those markers that you had in grammar school. You know the ones, that came in a styrofoam case and smelled like fruits? I remember just sucking up as much smell as I could be cause they smelled SO GOOD AND FRUIT LIKE. I am sure me snuffing marker fumes did nothing for my overall health but oh how I loved using those markers and always wanted a set for home but I never saw them in any stores.
I can smell them right now and it brings me back to my elementary school art room.

Other things that can transport me back to being young and where days were strictly spent playing are silly putty, play doh and anything with a heavy plastic smell reminds me of baby dolls at Christmas.
Lazy days of watching shirt tails, playing with my non ho dressing Barbies, higlights magazine, coveting of Gloria Vanderbilt and (oh, la, la) Sassoon jeans and licking our ring pops. We also loved rubber bracelets and would wear them all up our arms in all colors but black was the best and big clips on one side of our head.

All of these things are still fresh in my mind and it makes me wonder what fads, shows and smells will remind my children of their childhood. I am sure Dora will be in there somewhere.
So, I want to know, what smells bring your right back to childhood or what was your favorite childhood "thing"?

My Kids Crack Me Up

E: what kind of cake should we get Grandma for her birthday?

L: Lets get her ice cream

R: I know what grandmas favorite kind of ice cream is!

E: what kind?

R: Rock N rolled!

(she means rocky road)

Just Another Random Tuesday

I have many things swirling around my head today it is hard to formulate thoughts. Can you say, pregnancy brain? The only one thing I can continuously think about is cooking and baking. This season brings it out in me, the farmers markets, the crisp air, apple picking the festivals. I love it all. This weekend I made delicious and fairly nutritious pumpkin chocolate chip muffins, easy quick(er) lasagna and beef stew. My family is loving me right now.

Today I called Canon just to see if I could troubleshoot this problem I am having with my digital before I bought a new one. The good news is that they will fix it for me for free! The bad news is the "customer service" rep was a dick and was eating(!) while he was talking to me. If I wasn't overjoyed they were fixing my phone for free I would have said something about him chewing in my ear.

I have to pick something out of Jessica Seinfeld's new book to make for a review I am scheduled to do on Thursday. I really am not excited about going to the market again this week for ingredients, but I am in the market for some lemon blueberry muffins or an apple tart, so I will go.

I have a favor to ask of the ladies, if you would like to share what to expect after a vaginal birth with me over here, I would appreciate it. Believe me, there will be more vagina question from me in the future and you will have to give it up.
The info not the vagina.

Playdates

"Mom, can you help me write something" L said as he carried a blue crayon and a post it into my office.

"sure, what is it that you want to write" I asked.

"Playdate for L" he replied very seriously

I took his small hand in mine and wrote the letters slowly so he understood how each were meant to be written stopping briefly to steal some kisses.

"there, all done" I said
"what did you want to write that for?"

"I want to put it outside so everyone can see it and have a playdate with me"


My heart went into my stomach as I blinked back the tears. "great idea" I said.
He skipped out of the room to show his sister and I started to cry.
Hard.

E and I made a life here, without our family & friends because we had no choice. I joined the local gymboree, the kid's gym, took them to the park, brought them to preschool, all the things good mothers do. The kids made friends, I made acquaintances.

I have no idea how they heard the term "playdate" but I know they want friends to come over, to have someone other then themselves and me to play with. To finally be the one to show off their toys instead of always playing at other people's homes. It made me feel like a failure. I felt like a terrible mother.
I felt like shit.

I know my kids are smart and healthy and will continue to thrive even if they never had a playdate. I know setting up dates to play is a contrived, new idea in motherhood, one that I am not even completely comfortable with.
Still, at the heart of it my son wanted something that I did not provide for him. He wants to put a note on our house so other kids can come and play with him.
Just writing about it makes me want to start crying again. My sweet son.
I want to give him that.
I want to give him everything.

Pants Off Dance Off

I was perusing my yellowpages this morning for some tap shoes for my daughter, R. I am having a hard time finding them for young girls, which surprises me because she has some big feet.
So there I was between Miss Sally's Dance Shop and The Shoe String when I see Exzotica- For exotic dance wear and adult novelties.

WTF? Who need exotic dance wear? Strippers? Because, I always assumed they just cut strategically placed holes in ugly bathing suits. I means these girls actually pay money for those hooker outfits? Someone is in the business of designing such monstrosities? Wow.
I am sure someone is glad they sell adult novelties there also. I just hate to make two stops when I need crotchless dance wear AND a glow in the dark, waterproof, 14 speed vibrator.

Bra Blues

My breasts are so big at this point it is a huge task for me to wrangle them into a bra every day. I end up sweating and cursing under my breath. I am in denial about their larger size but when E walked into R's dance class yesterday and his eyes pooped out of his head upon seeing me, I can't deny it even more. Also? His "whispering" "your breasts are SO big today", in a room full of mothers, does not help.

Truth is I have always had an ample bosom, as my grandmother would say. I went from no boobs to a C cup in what seemed like months. I always was fairly proportionate so it wasn't a gross display. I am not one of those women who show off their breasts every chance they get either. I love a nice, supportive bra and believe me, I need a supportive bra. I can only hope I can find one that will expand with my ever growing boobs, but really can they get any bigger?
Wait!
Don't answer that.

I am too scared to know the truth.
Instead you can just find me lifting and stuffing, working up a sweat every single bloody morning.

Ebb and Flow

I feel so restless these days. I am bored but do not want to start a new project. I want to do something, although I have no idea what that "something" is.
I get like this once in awhile, I feel like I am tossing and turning in bed even when I am awake. I go through the motions but I want more out of my days.

I crave adventures and surprises. I want to finish old projects and start new ones. I want to remember all of the things I still have to do around the house without giving myself an aneurysm trying to remember what they are (thank you, pregnancy brain).
When I go to cross something off of my list it is not a good time to buy all the supplies I need, when the extra money is available, I am not in the mood.
Please tell me I am not the only person who goes through this ebb and flow of life?

I want to start two new books I have, but I am not into them instead choosing to wander around my mom porn web sites. I want to start a pregnancy journal even at this late stage but I still haven't found one I like. I hope these are purely hormonal changes and I will be back to my project loving/baking/cooking/cleaning self soon.
Well....... maybe I can hold off on the cleaning part.

Mistakes and Accidents

The worst thing I do as a parent, as a person, a mistake I make every other week is bringing my kids with me while I go grocery shopping. It is a cruel punishment I inflict on myself week after week never learning a lesson.
Sometimes waiting until E gets home and getting to the grocery store at 4pm and then rushing home in traffic and making dinner the minute I step in the door is a terrible choice too.

My kids don't want to be at the store, I can't concentrate, I always end up forgetting things and yelling at them for acting up. It is a vicious cycle and I refuse to bring them unless I need 1 or 2 things, ever again.
They were fooling around enough to miss out on making caramel apples with me today.
I, just earned 2 free early, early afternoon coctails, too bad I cannot use them in my condition.

****
On our way to karate yesterday (L loves it!) a women hit my car from behind. She was just rolling and the kids and I were OK, but it shook me up anyway. My neck hurt right from the start but has been fine since last night. Thank goodness for seat belts!
There was no damage to my car except a bent license plate, and for that I am thankful.

Suburban Mom Porn

I discovered something about myself this weekend. Something I tried to deny for awhile, I never thought I would be that obsessed with it but it is time to admit that I truly am.
I love porn.

There, I said it. Not your regular hotel porn, or playboy magazines, I have my own porn and it is: recipe blogs.
I have written before about how I love food and recipe magazines but I have moved on to recipe blogs and websites. I have my own, although it is shanty, and does not compare to those I read religiously.
I pour over the recipes that look and sound so good. I will go back to them over and over. I am not an expert baker or cook by any means. I love to cook good things for my family as much as I love to eat them. I love to try new things, and I love all types of foods. I aspire to make more complex things and to bake my children birthday cakes that look as good as the ones we order from the bakery.

So I love foodie porn, what's it to you? I know there are worse things to be addicted to.
What is one thing you like a little too much?

Slumber Time

I couldn't be happier that E comes home tonight. I need some sleep!
I really can't complain because my kids have been sleeping like angels since we took them out of their toddler beds (it was about time, R was so long her feet were through the slats!) and put them into their "big boy & girl" full size beds. In their own rooms.
I thought that sleeping apart would be harder for them then it was. They had resisted the idea before and I know they depend on each other for security. They took it like troopers though, and are sleeping great.
That is, except that they have E's sleeping habits which means at least one child wakes up by 6:30 am every day. It is usually my early-to-rise son.
No matter what time you put him to bed he is up by 6:30. So why put them in bed later then 7pm? I don't and I never have. Actually, my kids went to bed by 6pm for more then 2 years with a nap during the day!


Anyway, I am needing some more sleep and E coming home will give me that. Not to mention I miss that man.
So do his kids. We really miss him.

Points of the Day

Delurk today and say hi!

How about I bullet point some items for you today? Too bad, I am doing it anyway.

• R starts ballet today and she is the most excited 4 year old I have ever seen. Today may be better then her meeting with Aurora.


• Pregnancy has so many gross facets, it is no wonder they never mention them in any pregnancy books. Seriously, some really gross things go on!


• I just heard that two of the five most fattening fall treats are the things I have had already this season. Oops! Starbucks pumpkin spice latte and apple cider. I am living on apple cider right now. I have to quit you, delicious, yummy cider, I don't want to get gestational diabetes.


• I am super excited for all the haunted houses/hay rides/prisons around here this time of year. I feel like I am 10 years old again. I want to go to all of them.


• Pregnancy craving of the day: asparagus

Love is TiVo

Sweet lord! My kids have figured out how to pause TiVo and it is the end of the world as we know it. They are allowed to watch a couple of shows in the morning ( and more then that when Daddy's away so mommy can rest in bed!) and now they pause the television to go and eat breakfast.
Even my four year old children know that eating a yogurt in the kitchen will ruin the ending of Little Einsteins or Sesame Street! Like, duh?!


Overheard today:
R: Mom do you ever say "fucking shit?"
Me: "Um......what? Um. Uuuumm. Don't say that!"
In my head: Fucking shit!!!!!!!!!

I Alone

Did I mention that E is going away for business this week? He is, and I am bummed. It is just he and I in this parenting thing, I do not have family or friends close by to get breaks or to visit so when he leaves, it is just me and the kids.
It is lonely.

I feel like a failure to even admit that. I am lonely, I depend too much on my husband for help and for companionship. He is it for me on a daily basis. Sure I talk to my friends and family daily and I can write here as an outlet, but it is just not the same. I am a pack animal, I need my peeps to make me happy. I rarely want to be alone. I am a person that needs people.
Does that make me strange? No, but it is not something I particularly like about myself either. I want to be stronger, more independent, like to be alone with myself more.

What is it about yourself that you would change if you could?

Then go check out my post on banning portable love.