Bye, Bye June

I have already been to the park and to Whole Foods, I have put the kids in for their nap and I ate something.
It is only 12:10, now what?

It sucks when you do a lot and feel like you really accomplished something and look how warn out the kids are, and then you realized you still have eight hours of daylight to fill.

Just Call Me Gabrielle

My lawn guy is hot.
He doesn't wear a shirt when he mows the lawn and I catch myself staring at him out the window while my children run wild.

Yesterday he came to the door when he was finished, shirtless his body glistening with sweat. Blades of grass clung to his shirtless bod like ornaments on the perfect Christmas tree. He was speaking to me, but I was not listening.
I was trying to pay attention, but I couldn't make out any words, they all sounded like the teacher from Charlie Brown, wah wah waaaahhh.

Maybe it won't be that long of a summer after all but it will be hot.

Good Gossip

Despite not sleeping at all last night and being bitter about it today, my prayers have been answered.
NO MORE STAR. The TV "personality" got canned from her day job as an obnoxious holy roller on the view. Her contract wasn't renewed because of her antics by begging for free stuff for her wedding and they kept that to themselves. Yesterday she shocked Barbara Walters by announcing her departure without alerting anyone she was going to do that this soon.
Then she went to People Magazine and told them she was fired, forcing Babs to tell her not to return to work today.
I Love It. Love it.

Although I would have loved a nice fight between Star and Rosie this fall, I will take Rosie taking on Elisabth and her conservative views and spitting them both out.
Good times.

Then Britney poses nude ala Demi Moore for Harpers? Lord, today is such a good day.

I heard she decided not to let these pictures go out for publication so get an eyeball full while you can.

Update

My sister in law's visit was ok. She did swoosh in with one of her kids and immediately start talking about her problems and hardships. My niece played with my kids and as usual didn't eat lunch or dinner but had three desserts and some chips to top it off.
Mind you she is twelve years old, not five.

I thought they were coming for lunch but stayed for dinner too, thank goodness I had something or that I didn't have plans that night. After eight hours they left.
Now I just have to watch there son for 3 days next month while they are away and my brother in law is working. He is eleven and shouldn't be much of a problem. Lets just hope he eats.
I am not used to picking eaters, I was always taught to eat what I was served and if I didn't like it to eat something else but never announce it. I was also encouraged to try new things.
They are used to eating terrible food from"restaurants" like Friendlys and anything that is fried or bad for you.

I really don't want to jinx it but I think my kids are pretty much potty trained. My daughter will put on a pullup to poop but as for pee, she never has an accident even in the car or stores and she has been this way for two weeks now.
My son just really started yesterday and he pooped and peed in the toilet yesterday & today despite one accident over night in his pullup.
Wow, I am really excited. Thank heavens. After three and a half years I don't even want to think about how much money I have spent on diapers, but now I will have a save a great deal of money by not buying those overpriced diapers.

With all the money we are saving I think I can donate it, surely it is enough to cure cancer or maybe we can vacation on the moon.

Can you tell how excited I am?!

Stupid Crap

Did you ever feel like your wrist was just killing you because you had to twist your ice cream cone so you wouldn't get melting ice cream on your hand!
The horror!
Did it kill your cravings for the frozen delight? Was it so terrible to rotate that hand for the four minutes it took you to eat that ice cream cone?
Well, you are in luck, now there is this!
No more messy hands, this motorized ice cream cone holder is perfect for the lazy ice cream lovers world wide.

Now your only problem is that the reason for getting an ice cream cone is to eat the cone and since this eliminates that, well mind as well eat your ice cream in a cup. Secondly, I would assume you must stick your face into the faux cone to get out any ice cream that is below the rim. Hence your face is dirty.

So if you like your face dirty but now your hands, and who doesn't, this is the perfect item for you!

Also for those lazy wristed people there is this.
Who wants to rotate that marshmallow when you are making, well I guess, a toasted marshmallow? That was your father's way of thinking, now you can sit back and hold the stick into the fire and let two AA batteries do the work for you.
Hey, if the AA'a were good enough to satisfy you in the bedroom, it should darn well please you in the middle of the woods too.


Finally we have this handy dandy item. It is too keep men entertained while they urinate. Maybe, just maybe, it will get them to keep in in the toilet instead of all over the seat, floor etc.

I hope this list of enjoyable but useless items kept you entertained today.
I know it helped me.

Smile Like you Mean It

My sister in law is coming over today.

You may ask is this good news or bad news? I will tell you, it is bad news.
Let me clarify, she is a nice person who I love because she is my husband's sister but (and that is a big but) she can get on your nerves really easily.

Besides the fact that she was the woman who cried divorce more then 3 times but never actually followed through with it and just decided to live in a love less marriage and pretend everything is great for years now.
She just likes to talk about herself and only herself.

When I thought I had cancer, she still only talked about herself, after my surgery she came over said "how do you feel" and then went on to talk about herself and her projects.
there was no "we are so glad it is not cancer" or "you must have been scared" or even "you look great for just having your beck sliced from ear to ear".

So I am in for it big time. She is bringing one of her kids and my kids are so excited. We don't get to see them that often and they love playing with older kids. I will have to take one for the team and spend the afternoon saying things like "uh-huh" "oh, really" with little interest.
Oh, and another thing, she always lingers here, for hours. If you invite them over for the day they don't leave for hours after dinner or whatnot.


I just keep a tally on what E owes me and this one is sure on the list.

God, I hope she never finds this blog!

Out With The Old and In With the New

Water heater that is. We are the proud owners of a new 40 gallon water heater. Not that we needed one, ours was just fine if you liked a swimming pool for a basement. It was great if you didn't mind your beautiful, expensive new rug that was never even put down yet, all wet and ruined.

When we had this house inspected two years ago, the inspector told us that we have another 5-6 years with this water heater.
He was off about 4 years.

E installed the massive device himself, I am really proud of him. It is amazing how much money they want to charge to install it, more then the water heater itself! That kind of money makes anyone go crazy, like deciding to install it yourself.
With me as his wing man.
I make a terrible wing man.

It took him ALL DAY to install it, through several renditions of "Dad, the builder can he fix it? Yes he can!!" from the kids and me almost falling down the basement steps to my death.

The water heater money was formally known, for a brief time, as the kid's swim lesson money. But as with anything in this house, if you get a little extra money and want to do something to better yourself, or the kids, it gets swiftly taken away from some other "emergency".
Sigh.

Parent Question

My kids get tons of stickers from family & friends. Where do you put them all? I have hidden 90% of them so as to lessen the chance I will be scrubbing them off my walls.

I wanted to buy a sticker book like I had when I was a kid but I can't find them anywhere. They only have little books that come with the theme stickers already in it.
Boring.
I thought it would be great for them to each have a sticker book so they can look at their stickers, and add to it. Not just put it on their clothes and then have me peeling them off the inside of my dryer 15 hours later.


Did sticker collecting die with the 80s?

I Catch On Real Fast

Did you know that you cannot reason with a three and a half year old? I must not really know that because I try to reason with them every day.
Every day, I fall for it again.

I know they run up to their rooms and laugh hysterically at me.
"haha mom just tried to talk some reason into us again. She tried to explain the reason behind her decision. Then tried to make it out like it was for our benefit or something.
What a fool.
Good thing we went to plan A right away, fall on floor and cry, followed by high pitched screeching for good luck.
I wonder if she will ever learn?!"


I won't.
I will try again tomorrow because I have the worst short term memory.

How Could Today Beat Yesterday??

ME: when you said that if I was going to the store this week, we needed garbage bags and coffee, I didn't know we had NO coffee.

HIM: (silence)

ME: when we don't have anything, you say " we have NO coffee so if you want it, you need to go get it"

HIM: (silence)

ME: ARE YOU AWARE there is no coffee in this house and I am ALONE with two three year olds for three looooooong days? AND I promised to take them to a darkened theater to watch that long ass Cars movie and there is a high probability that someone will call DYFS on me after they see me sleeping in the theater and my kids are wandering around eating popcorn from the floor?
AND You left me no cash so now I would have to take the kids in and out of their car seats once to go to the MAC and the other to go into Dunkin Donuts to get coffee and are you aware of how annoying that is????

HIM: I told you yesterday I am sorry that I forgot to tell you we had no coffee.

ME: OH, no, now you are going to come at me with a tone?? You are going to tell me you made a mistake with a tone in your voice? I think not.
Hey, how was your coffee this morning? I am sure you had a cup or two in your fancy hotel and a nice big breakfast. How was that?
The babies and I are going to have dry cereal.
Have a great day.

click.

Monday, Bloody Monday

Today is going to be fun.

E is away again (again!) for business and it is just the kids and I for three days. I have are itinerary all planned out for us.
We will:

Pretend to nap, but get out of bed and jump around

be so tired the rest of the day we will cry, hurt ourselves and fight over silly things due to complete exhaustion

go to Target to pick up prescription refills and whine about wanting to leave the minute we step a foot into the store and then ask for a toy

not want to do anything but watch TV all day because we are so tired

not really eat because, again with the tired thing

cry for Daddy at bedtime because we are so overtired and make Mom want to hang herself

be cute just enough so Mom can't wait for tomorrow so we can do it all again.

Father's Day

Make sure you tell all the men in your life, fathers, uncles, grandfathers and husbands how great they are and how much you appreciate them.
My husband is great and without him I wouldn't be as happy or fulfilled. He is a terrific Dad.

Today I won't be able to tell my own Daddy how great he is and how much I love him.

I just hoped I said it enough while he was still here.



That is all you can do.

Brit

Britney Spears and her breasts were interviewed by Matt Lauer last night on Dateline, and it was the most unconvincing interview I have ever seen.
Every time he asked her how her marriage was, or if she wondered about the karma effect of her actions she would cock her heard to the side and say "awww, I am sad people say that about me" or "it is a great marriage, he supports me!" and anyone could see that is not the truth.

Additionally, if you are going on television wouldn't you get your makeup done professionally? What did she comb her hair with? A rake?

I am so terrible, but I think we have already established that.


Listen if you are going to put your love life in a show and air it for profit people become interested, you can't just turn that off. I know that if I was followed my photographers they would catch me in less then flattering shots, and maybe even doing unconventional parenting.
I get it.
BUT, you can't have it both ways.


Lets face it, the girl has problems but who doesn't?
At the end of the day that girl has fabulous breasts. What else could you want?

Gimme My Stick

I have this nice post all in my head about some disturbing items that I had seen on television last night, but I am distracted.
My daughter took my stick.

My daughter, who always has her hands on ALL of my stuff must have stolen my Napoleon Dynamite chapstick & hid it.

Dude, Napoleon Dynamite chapstick.

I am addicted to chapsticks and this one was given to my by my friend after my surgery. It totally made my day. Now, I have to go buy another and they are very rare and also don't come cheap at $3.50 each.

Here I am with no stick and my lips hurt real bad.







Yes, I am aware I need to get a life and I have watched Napoleon Dynamite waaaaay too many times.

Open Letters

Open letter to the bitch in the pediatrician's office:

Dear Bitch,

When a person walks into a room and smiles at your cute year old daughter and then smiles at you, how about smiling back? Instead you had a scowl on your face like my kids had polio.
Perhaps you are one of those mothers that only likes their child and hates all other kids? That will be great, then your child will have no playmates.

Also, when the nurse asked why I was there & I explained that my son had bug bites on his legs that he scratched and I wanted to make sure he didn't infect them, don't look like at him like he actually was spraying a disease all over your kid. He was sitting on a chair looking at a book like a good boy.
He had bug bites. Just like the chiggers that crawled up your butt.
Fuck you and your smug attitude. I am sorry that you have the body of a 14 year old boy, maybe a positive attitude and growing your hair longer then 3 inches would help.

Sincerely sorry for the man you are married to,
Tuesday



Dear Random Strange Lady at Target,

When you are in the process of checking out, it is not the best time to answer your cell phone. You did though and then proceeded to SCREAM into the phone that you do not have reception and then for some reason yell "Pagoda" "Pagoda" "PA GOTA" " PAAA GOOO TAAA" "PAGOTA".

Perhaps if you don't have cell service, you can make the call at a later time when youhave better reception, instead of screaming in the middle of the store.
What was also strange was that you were just standing there, even after all my items were rung up and you blocked the credit card device. I just had to stand there and wait until your scream fest was finished. Perhaps next time you are at Target, you can buy a clue that there are other people around you.
There are other people that exist. Gasp!

I did feel bad about cursing you out in my head because as a afterthought I realized you might have been mentally challenged.
Then I realized you were just socially challenged and didn't want to do anything for anyone, including having some common courtesy.

Fuck you and your pagoda,
Tuesday

Sick Day

Yesterday I called out sick from blogging. I had a nasty head cold and for some silly reason it didn't slow my kids down a bit.
I had to wait for E to get home so I could take a long nap. I took a sleeping pill at bedtime and now I feel much better.

As luck would have it, I have an appointment with my homeopath today. I didn't really want to go, he is about 45 minutes from me, but as I went to call and cancel I noticed a "appointments cancelled without 2 business days notice, will be charged".
Fuck that.

I really should rest this morning but now I have to run to Whole Foods for bread, fruit and milk, come home put the kids in for their naps and then go to my appointment. Since my thyroid is working fine, I would like to move on to other issues like my allergies (which have been terrible this year) and my asthma. Maybe he could through something in for my fertility, although that doesn't seem to be a problem for me.

Nita?

Where the heck is Nita from Advanced Maternal Age? When I go to her site, it is just blank. If she left without a goodbye or fowarding address, I am going to kick her butt.

Nita, where are you????

The Power of Goodbye

My Grandmother is in the hospital being monitored for her heart, because her heartbeat is irregular.
Her being "sick" is irregular because she is the strongest woman I know. How else would you describe a woman whose 52 year old son died quickly and ruthlessly while she watched. Even the most feeble would become warriors.

What scares me about her being in the hospital is that it is another reminder that everyone I love will be ripped away from me eventually some fast, some slowly, but all inevitable.

That maybe I forgot to tell someone how much they mean to me and I won't get another chance.

That the moment you say goodbye to someone, it changes you forever. You may not let it seep out, but the change is there, inside of you. It nicks your heart, some may let it bounce off but others let it reverberate inside them, like an internal volcano of pain.
Like my Grandmother.

Although I know my Grandmother will be just fine, I hate knowing I will have many more goodbyes to say, and never enough hellos.

Educate Me

How is it that we can show a dead man on television every 3 seconds for the past twelve hours but when a nipple slips out for a nano second the world comes crashing down?

I really would rather my children not see a dead man on tv even if he was an ass hat.
They are already used to my nipple slips around the house.









Blogger has been driving me mad yesterday and today. As if I needed help in that department. Is anyone else having problems?

A Well Seasoned Mom

HOW I KNOW I AM AN EXPERIENCED MOM:

Today I was changing my daughters pull-up in a vertical position because I am lazy like that. She gave no warning that she had pooped (it was a rare smell-less poop) and 5 balls of feces fell on my living room floor. I pulled the pull-up back up and went to get some supplies, such as wipes.
When I returned a mere 10 seconds later, someone had arranged the poop balls into a line formation and they were taking turns jumping over them.
They both denied they were the one who touched the poop with their bare hands.
Of course.


I can nap even though small people are driving matchbox cars over me.


I can make a full lunch for two kids in under 3 minutes.


When my daughter put my son's prized stuffed animal into her pee in the potty I calmly took it out and washed it immediately. I didn't cry or yell.


I know when they really want a snack and when they are bluffing just to get the snack, but they have no intention of eating it at all. Even though that is their story and they are sticking to it, remarkable under the line of questioning I am known to give.


I know the quote "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me" does not pertain to Moms. We will usually never be fooled or we will fall for it over and over again.


Finally, because I still love them despite my stretch marks and I am willing to do it all over with a new baby.

2+1=3

I got nothing for you today.
Nada.

But I do have some news. Brace yourself.

I am ready to have another baby and we are going to actively start "trying" ASAP.

How is that for news?

Good thing you can't remember pain or the Earth would be populated with one child families.

Shake It

Does anyone else find it disconcerting to shake someone's hand and feel a band aid?
Something about that just isn't right.
I had a band aid on Friday night due to a brutal mauling from my cat and I had to shake a myriad of stranger's hands and I was totally self conscious about it all night.
I briefly thought of telling people of the attack and subsequent bandage and then let them make their choice of whether or not they would still like to proceed with the hand shake.

Then I realized I think things through waaay to much and just launched the hand at them for a quick shake.

What is worse then a band aid shake you may ask?
I will tell you, it is the limp fish hand shake usually given by women but by the occasional man, also I have noticed a large number of Indian men and women with teh limp shake.
You go in for a firm but pleasant handshake and get nothing in return so you feel like you are crushing their limp hand.
You very well may be.
You try to move on but it is there in the back of your mind, why wouldn't they shake back?
It could very well be a cultural thing but I still find it strange.

That is almost has bad as the moist shake where it leaves you wondering if they usually sweat that much, didn't dry their hands after using the bathroom, or worst yet, didn't wash after using the bathroom at all.
Yikes.

So if I ever meet you on the street and shake your hand, just know, afterwards I purell.
Please, don't take offense.

If My Neighbors Overheard This, I Would Be In Jail Right Now

Me: You have to pump it first

My Son: Ok Mom

Me: No, hold it here, and your other hand here and pump it hard.
harder

harder

ya, that is right, now shoot it!

My Son: Look, I am doing it

Me: wow, that was a big one!



For the record we were playing with a Super Soaker.
I swear.