Sleep, Glorious Sleep

I have not slept in days. Last night E stirred and got up to go to the bathroom, I told him I don't think I had been asleep yet. Then I glanced at the clock and it was after 3am.
What is that about? I am trying not to take my sleep medications, because seriously it was getting out of hand there for awhile, but I think I will take a nice, easy Tylenol pm tonight. I just can't stand not to sleep for days on end.


I have new neighbors! Of course it couldn't be a young couple with young kids, but it is nice to have new people on our street. I have to bake something and bring it over to welcome them. That is not typical for where I am from, and I was shocked when we moved in and at least four people came over with baked goods and introduced themselves.
I think I will make brownies.
Nothing says "welcome" better then warm, homemade brownies and maybe a lawn tip or two.
This neighborhood takes its lawn care seriously.
Don't fuck with our grass.

End of School

My children finish their first year of preschool tomorrow and I have mixed feelings about it. They had a great year, received all threes (the highest mark) on their end of the year evaluation except a 2 for my son "cuts a straight line with scissors". I am not too worried about it.

They love the school and the kids but E and I do not. They had three teachers since September, two different "directors" and "education director". The school is a lot of money and is safe and clean and nice but I am not thrilled with their teacher who always seems stressed. I know tuition will go up in the fall also.

We looked at a christian school that we loved until we found out it is a born again christian school and well, we were debating lying to them about our church affiliation so that should explain to you how religious we are.

Now I am not stressed about finding a school for them in the fall, if I find one, great, if I do not then I will home school them for preschool. I will have enough money from not sending them to school to do more activities like swimming, dance or gym. They really are so smart as it is, they know much more then E or I did at that age and they are physically and socially where they should be also.

Maybe last year I would have been freaking out looking for school, making sure they got in etc. This year I am trying not to sweat the small stuff and this is small. I have other things to focus on with my life. I am trying to stay more positive, be more "in the moment".

Maybe I am growing up after all.

Thank Goodness for Three Day Weekends!

The door is hung!
Don't you hear the angels singing?! It is being painted as I type this.

I can't wait to shower and pee in privacy, such luxuries.


Come enter my contest!

The New Plan

Memorial Day weekend huh? We have no plans, as usual, well I will go to my Aunt's house on Sunday for some swimming and fun but besides that we will do nothing exciting this weekend. Such a change from my every day life!

My in-laws are coming in two weeks and I am stressing about all the cleaning and stuff I want to do around the house before they get here. I would love a bathroom door to be hung and in working condition but since I posted about it, just one more hinge has been hung.
I really am going to have to hang Greg Brady beads up aren't I?

I am not going to worry about my in-laws visit this time because I have a plan. Get out of the house as much as I can by going to the gym! Not only will it get my ass to the gym, but maybe I will pretend I am a super freak workout addict and go long and often. Maybe even go to Barnes & Noble afterwards to sit around and look at all the books I want to read.
What a great plan. They would rather be alone with my kids anyway so they can feed them all junk.

Oh and I told my husband to take off some days from work while they are here, I am done entertaining them alone all day!

Summer Time

My computer is back in action. It took them long enough!
Also my "check engine" light on my car is gone. So very mysterious and I take it as a sign of better things to come. I hope it is at least.

I am in TV withdrawals today. Lost is over now, never to return for 8 months. Summer TV is depressing anyway, but what else do people do at night, after the kids are in bed? Really?

I would like to knit more and I always read a lot in the summer, because what do you do when you are outside with the kids playing? Really, I would rather not collect worms. I would like to buy a sewing machine and do something creative this summer.
I would love to be creative but my boring life gets in the way.
Oh gosh, this post really sucks. Sorry.

Period

I am not a fan of my period. I hate it, I think it is bothersome and some accidents I have had as a teen has made me so paranoid during my period that I refuse to wear even somewhat light colored clothing.



BUT, although I loath my period, I understand its purpose and the fact that maybe it does even more benefit for our bodies that we don't even realize. That is why when the FDA approved the new birth contol pill, Lybrel that eliminates your period, I wonder if the world has gone mad.

Believe me I understand the pharmaceutical industry, it pays my bills, it feeds my kids and allows us to live in a house. I know it is a business. We don't have to buy into it fully though.
Let us remember that big pharma has never cured any chronic diseases. Sure they have drugs to make your life easier, or maybe even help some people live longer but if you were cured they would make a little money off of the drugs, if you have to live every day taking drugs like asthma or diabetes medications, they make a lot of money over your lifetime.

It is unnatural to eliminate your period. It is not healthy. It happens every month for a reason, and maybe some of the problems with infertility women face are from drugs like this one. I just want everyone to stay informed, watch the movie Sicko coming out. Question your doctor, read the package inserts that come with your drugs.
Eat healthy, take a walk and educate yourself.
Continue to complain about your period every month, like me.

end rant.

I Gotta Get a Dell

Yeah.

Life has been, very interesting to say the least. On Friday night my computer died. The POS is only 2.5 years old but it died. I had to drag its carcass to the computer ER only to learn it wasn't the power source that was broken, of course not because that would have only cost $79. It had to be the mother board with cost me three times that.
I love to have a little extra money only to have it fly out of my pocket a moment later.

So I have been MIA on the Internets and I am in official withdrawals. E's computer hates AOL and gmail for some reason because it never lets me check my accounts. Not having a computer has been good for my house because I have been organizing and cleaning but b a d for my attitude. Let's face it, it is my one connection to the outside world and I love to know my weather, what is going on in my favorite blogger's lives and take polls where I give Bush the lowest possible rating all in 4 minutes.

So, how are you? Cheer me up, so I don't go ballistic on these computer geeks if they don't have my baby back to me in two hours!

Color Me Happy

I heart my new colorist who was recommended to me by my hair stylist whom I heart more then anyone and not just because she reminds me of Phoebe* in Friends, in a good way.
This colorist has no personality, and spoke no more then 5 words to me the entire hour I was in her chair. My color is good, and I like it but I am not sure it is exactly how I want it or maybe I was just used to the darker hair I had for the winter, plus you guys all liked it. So then why do I like her? Because it was the cheapest color I have had in years. Double process $85.00 baby!

I was giddy with happiness, I was never so happy to pay a bill in the salon before. Hell even my eye brow wax cost $25 or something like that.

I heart this coloring bitch like nothing before.
I needed that because I am still depressed about my ring. Home owners will cover it if it is lost or stolen, but not damaged. Did I also mention the "check engine" light came on in my car? What is that about?



* Little known Tuesday fact, I have a cat I named Phoebe, after Catcher in the Rye not the show.

When It Rains, It Really Pours

Here is a terrible (what the frick is wrong with you camera? Focus!) picture of my wedding band. Notice something missing?

Yeah, that would be one of the diamonds. I noticed a diamond was missing yesterday afternoon, a day of course, that was not spent sitting home lazy style but running around to various stores and shopping. I also cleaned a bathroom, did loads of laundry, cleaned out drawers and such.

I am sick about it. I cried. I love that ring. I searched the house, my kids searched, my husband searched, no luck. We bought it at a jewelry store back home so I will have to wait until I go back home to have it replaced and fixed. For now it is just me and my bare, lonely hands.

Also, this picture is so crappy and does no justice to how perfect and sparkly my ring is. I looked at my hand and that ring a million times every day since I put it on 6.5 years ago. I feel so naked without it, it is so strange and foreign to me to be ring-less.

That is me, ring-less in NJ.

Updates

Door Watch 2007: The door is still not functional. As for some of your suggestions of a beaded fringe door, Although I love it the Greg Brady look, I do need a bit more privacy then that would allow.

Lost: I can't wait for tonight. It has been killing me not to read spoilers of what is going to happen, but one of my best friends read it and that is good enough for me. For now. I like knowing she has all the knowledge about the show and confirms it is going to be amazing.

Tests: all my blood work came back fine, thank you for caring. My thyroid is still rocking and rolling like we never removed a part of it. Sometimes I just love my body.

Searches: people who found me were recently searching for: girl pooping on the toilet, molester dentist, massage accidentally touched vagina, booger king and girl of sexy.
At least they got the last one right.

Highlight disaster 06: After my last highlights in December ( I am so overdue!) came out beautiful, but not how I wanted it, I kept it because you all gave me such nice compliments. Oh yeah, and I hate confrontation so I couldn't complain to the salon. Enjoy the following conversation:

L: Daddy what color hair do you have
E: brown just like yours
R: I have brown hair too!
E: No, R, you have blond hair
R: And mommy what color hair do you have? Grey?
Me: Hello salon? I need an appointment asap.

I am Taking Over the Project

See this door? Nothing particularly out of the ordinary, it is a door like just like the ones you use every day. The only thing wrong with this door is, it doesn't work.

It is not attached to the frame. It is a door that leans up against the wall and is not functional what so ever. At this point, it is purely decorative, and I use that term loosely.

This door leads to my bathroom, the one only I use and the only way to get away from little people who demand things all day. The old door was the only door that was not replaced by the former owners which is odd, but we thought nothing of it, after all how hard could it be to replace a door? A little bathroom door!

No prob.

It only took almost three years to purchase a new door, and then within minutes of the new door being brought into our home, the old door was off. Progress! Then it got late and the project had to be left for another day. The next opportunity E had to install the new door, he realized the frame was slightly warped or off and we would have to shave the frame down ever so slightly to get the new door in.

You know where I am going with this story, right?

That was over four weeks ago.

Not only is it so great to get out of the shower into a drafty room, but I love that the one place I have to go that is all mine, and I can pee by myself without people asking what that pad is on the counter or if I am pooping, is lost.

No privacy. Pee with the door just leaning against the wall, mocking me.

Mocking me!

Now I know what I should have asked for mother's day, a door to be properly hung on hinges and a knob that has a lock on it. A big ole lock because once it is installed, I won't come out for days. I will pluck, shower, primp and maybe even poop in sweet, sweet privacy.

(also? don't you paint a door, say in the garage, before you hang it as to not make a mess with paint all over the house? Yeah, I thought so.)

Moms

Why do I continue to create expectations when I am always disappointed? Clearly I am not learning something from these experiences. I just keep setting myself up for disaster.

I am not only taking about mother's day which was OK, but busy. My dreams of having no stress and let someone else take care of the kids were dashed when someone forgot they were working on Sunday and, of course, couldn't find anyone to work for them that day. So I spent the day with my lovely children and my two nephews, drove about 180 miles, went to a family party, and just generally did what I always do.
Now, I can't complain about my husband. Generally E is thoughtful and romantic. He has never forgotten a birthday, anniversary or any other holiday. He does have the "last minute syndrome" where he does not put in as much thought into a gift as I would like, but hey, he is a guy.
He also always helps around the house, he takes out garbage, changes the cat litter, bathes the kids, shovels the snow and so on. So I can't complain that I do everything around here, I don't. I am aware of that.
I just wanted a day off from the kids, and I love them, I truly do but being with them every single day since they emerged from my body, is draining.
To say the least.

Lets just say I am one tired mom. Although my husband says he knows how hard it is and how draining it all can be, it still can't really know.
Only other moms know, and it is just another reason to become a lesbian.

Mother

Motherhood is a strange thing, to have your heart walking outside your body, to care for a small person whom you have never met before but the instant you see them you know you would die for them. Give up your entire life so they will no longer feel pain, you would suffer in their place in an instant, it would be a decision that would need no thought.

My own mother is a wonderful mother. She was my friend and a friend to my friends, she was a nurse and a teacher and a protector. We had rough patches, typical patches where I thought she wasn't on my side, that she could never understand what I was going through, that I had lost my best friend.
I couldn't have been more wrong.

By standing by me, by loving me no matter what I did or said, that was what told me she still was in my corner. Behind me no matter what.
She is not a perfect mother and I am not a perfect daughter. Sometimes I expected her to be perfect and I was disappointed when I could see through the cracks in her armour. It was my own inexperience with life that made me think she could be perfect, even when I reached an age old enough to know "perfection" was unattainable.

My children amaze me. I was amazed I had twins and I carried their huge, flawless bodies to term, I am constantly amazed how smart they are and how absolutely sweet they can be. I am amazed at how my son looks just like his father and my daughter like me.
It is like being given another chance at life, a do over. Not to live vicariously through my children but to fix the flaws I see in myself to become a better parent.
To be the mother they deserve. To be the person I want to be.
To let my children know I am not perfect and I wish I could be for them, but I do not expect perfection in them either. People have faults, they make mistakes, they stumble. And their mothers will always be there to pick them up, dust them off and let them know it is OK.

It will always be OK.


Happy Mother's Day to all the moms and especially mine.

Chick Fil A is the Food of the Gods

Just a couple of days ago I was talking about how I see all of these commercials for restaurants that are nowhere near me, and some of you were talking about Red Robin restaurant. I have never heard of this place until you guys enlightened me, but guess what commercial I saw last night? That is right, red Robin, whose closest location is over 30 miles away.

I am not a fast food eater, but every once in awhile a cheeseburger is just so good from McDonalds or Wendy's. I have not eaten any fast food this year except for chick fil a, and they are so good I refuse to consider that fast food.
It is not!

E came home with a nutritional guide to fast food restaurants last week. I played the game I play where I dream of what I would eat if I had the metabolism of my husband. I looked up some of my favorite fast food orders.
It was not good.

A taco bell taco supreme? 220 calories and 14 grams of fat. IN ONE. E eats like 6 of those in one sitting plus a burrito.
A McGriddle from McDonalds? 450 calories and 21 grams of fat.
A blimbie best sandwich? 440 calories and 15 grams of fat

Me: "E this is a disgusting book and I am disgusted with the gross food I have consumed in these fast food places in the past"
E: " I know. (pause) Do you want McDonalds for dinner?"
Me: "Stop it."
E: "friiiiieeesss???"
Me: "you know what the sick part is? This knowledge has not put me off to any of this food, I would still eat it."
E: "look up chick fil a, I could eat that tonight"
Me: " I will tell you this one more time, chick fil a is NOT a fast food restaurant. It is more then that and I refuse to look it up."
E: "we are sick"
Me: " yeah" "where is the frickin ice cream man?"

A Whole Lot of Nothing

My head is still reeling from Lost last night. What the hell?
I feel like my head is spinning today, you know those days, where there is no organization in your head? My sister is having knee/ankle surgery today and I will be watching her two boys again this weekend. I love them but it is a little hard because my car does not fit three car seats and one booster seat, so we are stuck in the house for the majority of the weekend because E has to work. Bummer.

Wanna check out an interview I did? You get to see a rare thing, a picture of me!
How about the new site I am writing for? I am the hardest working blogger you know.
Not really, I know.
Are you tired of these links yet? No? OK, well I am running a contest on my other site for a free pro membership to greetingflix.com. Go and enter to win one of five memberships.

Excuse my shameless plugs, mamas got to pay for preschool!

Restaurant Love

I am trying to lose weight. Not an easy task I know, especially because I am too lazy to go to the gym. Laziness when you are trying to lose weight is not the best recipe for skinniness.

So I have been drinking all this water in order to curb my craving for little scraps here and there during the day. I drink 50 oz of water a day, so I feel like I am nine months pregnant because all I do is pee.
I love to watch the food network or all the fast food commercials and fantasize about what I want to eat, this is not fun to do with E because if I say I am in the mood for something even if it is 10pm he would go and get it for me. I have to keep reminding him it is a game I play and if I indulged in all my food wants I would be the size of this house.
Lately though, I have been noticing so many commercials for restaurants that are not even around where I live. Like Sonic for example, I have seen commercials for them for four years but have never seen one here in person. Why are they advertising here then?
Last week I noticed a new one for the Melting Pot, a fondue restaurant. I would love to dip things into melted cheese or chocolate, but there are no restaurants around here, the closest one is in Atlantic City, which is not very close.
The fun of wanting certain food items even if I have no intention of eating them is that I could get it if I wanted to.
These commercials are ruining my food fantasies.

Music for Everyone!

What do you think of children's music? I interviewed Dan Zanes this morning and you can read about it here.
I have never interviewed anyone besides for a job. I was nervous and I did fumble a bit but he was so nice and kind, he made me comfortable.

I have to think of something to do with my kids this summer. Even though they are only in school two days a week, they need more interaction with kids their age and need to be out of my hair. I doubt a 30 minute swim lesson each week will be enough. I have got to find something for them to do, I am not going through another long, boring, hot summer.

What do you do with your kids in the summer?

Being Mom

Last night in bed E told me what a great Mom I was. I want to believe it, but my struggles with being a mother, a mother to twins, doesn't let me believe that for one second.

Motherhood is hard, everyone knows that. Being with my children 24/7 every day for over four years, wears on you. I would like a break, I deserve one, I would love to go on vacation with just my husband, but we can't afford it. Maybe when my in-laws visit next month we will go to Atlantic City for two days and a night or something.

I struggle with the loneliness, boredom, monotony, and sometimes kids who will not stop yelling or fighting with each other.
AND if I ever find the kid at their preschool who taught my kids how to tattle, I will have to hurt him/her. All they do is tattle all of a sudden and sometimes after I hear "She hit me!" for the 786 time, I just tell him to hit her back, because I... just...... can't...... anymore.
It is not something every other mom doesn't feel. We are all trying to keep our heads above water.

It is OK that I don't think I am a good mom, it makes me try harder. Each night when I sneak into their room to watch them sleep, it makes me want to do better the next day.
I guess that is all you can do.

At Least if Someone Sees It You can Say It is A Hat

For once I am at a loss for words........................

It is what you think it is.

I wonder why she is reading the paper? I bet it is the directions to see how that f*cker works!

Happy Friday!

Grass Grows in New Jersey

I have to make E stop by today because the landscaper is pissing me off. He said our grass is too long and blah blah he has to double cut it, blah not good for the mower, blah it will cost you an extra $15.

Um, dear landscaper isn't if your fault that the lawn is too long? Isn't that, I don't know, your job??? He is lucky he took of his shirt and is giving me something to look at while I type this. Very lucky.

Can my doctor call my back with my blood results? I waited until Thursday now she is just taking liberties.


I was raised Episcopalian and I am so happy to have other one welcomed into the fold. The Episcopalians love the gay people, and apparently one that gets divorced twice, cheats on his wife, gives his Israeli national boyfriend a high paying job and uses NJ tax money to pay for troopers to drive him around the turnpike to get hummers at rest stops.
They are forgiving peeps.

They are ALL Vampires

A few things to report in the last week or so in my life that I have not yet reported to you, my faithful readers:

1) I had blood taken by a woman who had poison ivy. No really, she didn't just have dried calamine lotion all over her face, I heard her on the phone with her doctors asking about her "condition". Of course she wore gloves when she took my blood, poorly I might add, but she didn't have on gloves when she was fingering my insurance card or paperwork.
I was so caught off guard by this and I did and said nothing to her because I am a coward. You would think my OCD/germaphobia would override the coward in me, but it didn't.

2) My hottie landscaper is back and he is hoT with a capital T. He is also like 21 and I could be on sketchy territory here but what the hell, eye candy is eye candy.

3) I called my doctor's office yesterday for my aforementioned blood work. Of course with my luck I called at 4:15 and according to the message on the blood work hot line, they will return calls left after 4pm the next business day. Frick.
They called this morning and told me my doctor was not in and she likes to review these results first so she will be in tomorrow and review, and then call me with the results.
Needless to say this does not leave me with a warm and cuddly feeling inside, it scares me. I have had enough bad news for one lifetime and any delay for any reason leaves me panicking.
I have diabetes! I have multiple forms of cancer! My thyroid is not working! It is the gout isn't it? Am I going blind? Hypertension! Is something wrong with MY COLON, JUST LAY IT ON ME LADY!

Yeah hysteria is the new "worried" in my house.


Men, don't forget to go here for all your mother's day needs.

This One Is For the Men

I have a ton of suggestions on what to get your wife or mother for Mother's Day on my other blog.
Go check it out and let me know what you want for Mother's Day.

Baby Dreams

I was talking to my sister this morning, like I do every day. She is bored and tired of being stuck in the house because of her broken ankle. Her oldest son is in school but her youngest is just 22 months and she can't drive or go outside with him. They are stuck in the house every day with each other, although there are many more annoying and bratty kids to be stuck with.
He is a sweet boy who is so very attached to my sister. He clings to her over anyone my mother, me or his dad. My sister complains about it but secretly I know she loves it. He is her baby.
Most importantly, he is her last baby.

The day I came home from the hospital, I remember crying on my bed. E came into the room and asked me what was wrong. "I want another baby! I want to be pregnant again, I miss it." I told him.
He knew my sadness was powered by my hormones, after all I was so big and so uncomfortable especially that last month, I complained all the time. Why would I want to go through that again?

I always wanted another baby, and after my miscarriage, I doubted it would ever happen. Maybe I would never want to try again just to be overcome with sadness. Maybe it wasn't meant to be.

I think that time when you fully reconcile that with yourself " I will never have another baby", has to be one of the most powerful moment in a woman's life. Whether it is a decision you make or one that is made for you.
It is powerful, it is closing the door on that huge part of your life, it also can be liberating, but no matter what, it will happen.

I think my sister has mixed emotions about her baby getting older and more independent. Where her older son has not needed her for so many things he does for himself now, she sees her baby breaking away slowly, things that only a mother would notice. I understand that.

I have never made that decision with myself. To not have another baby. To leave that behind me.
There were times in the last year where I thought that I wouldn't have another baby. Cancer scares, miscarriage and a triplet scare will do that to you.
All I know now, is that I am not ready to make that decision.
I don't want to give up on baby dreams.