Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Baby Dreams

I was talking to my sister this morning, like I do every day. She is bored and tired of being stuck in the house because of her broken ankle. Her oldest son is in school but her youngest is just 22 months and she can't drive or go outside with him. They are stuck in the house every day with each other, although there are many more annoying and bratty kids to be stuck with.
He is a sweet boy who is so very attached to my sister. He clings to her over anyone my mother, me or his dad. My sister complains about it but secretly I know she loves it. He is her baby.
Most importantly, he is her last baby.

The day I came home from the hospital, I remember crying on my bed. E came into the room and asked me what was wrong. "I want another baby! I want to be pregnant again, I miss it." I told him.
He knew my sadness was powered by my hormones, after all I was so big and so uncomfortable especially that last month, I complained all the time. Why would I want to go through that again?

I always wanted another baby, and after my miscarriage, I doubted it would ever happen. Maybe I would never want to try again just to be overcome with sadness. Maybe it wasn't meant to be.

I think that time when you fully reconcile that with yourself " I will never have another baby", has to be one of the most powerful moment in a woman's life. Whether it is a decision you make or one that is made for you.
It is powerful, it is closing the door on that huge part of your life, it also can be liberating, but no matter what, it will happen.

I think my sister has mixed emotions about her baby getting older and more independent. Where her older son has not needed her for so many things he does for himself now, she sees her baby breaking away slowly, things that only a mother would notice. I understand that.

I have never made that decision with myself. To not have another baby. To leave that behind me.
There were times in the last year where I thought that I wouldn't have another baby. Cancer scares, miscarriage and a triplet scare will do that to you.
All I know now, is that I am not ready to make that decision.
I don't want to give up on baby dreams.

8 comments:

  1. Kristi8:51 AM

    Then keep dreaming. Don't ever give up on it until you are absolutely ready.

    I'll keep my fingers crossed for you!

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  2. I'm semi-resigned to the fact that we will probably only have the two. But there's a part of me that wants just one more and can't close the door permanently.

    Don't give up on your baby dreams.

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  3. I can understand. I had a tubal ligation after I had my 3rd baby. We knew we were done after her, for a variety of reasons, but I must say that it is a bittersweet thing. My family was complete, I knew that 3 was a good number, but to alter my body so I couldn't have any more children is a tough, personal choice.

    I don't regret it. But sometimes I long to have a newborn in my arms again. If my hubby and I were younger, we would've tried for at least one more.

    Funny how life goes. I think we are given what we are supposed to have.

    And I ditto the other girls - keep dreaming. You never know!

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  4. Awww. THat was such a sweet post.

    I don't want to give up on my baby dreams yet either.

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  5. You're right. That is one of the most powerful decisions a woman can ever make. I think when you're ready to close the book on that chapter you'll know. I agree with mamalee, I think we are given what we are meant to have.

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  6. don't give up!!! Don't give up!

    I still get sad that I'll never have another baby and my youngest is 12.

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  7. Neither do I. I would love another baby. We have a lot of blocks in the road though. I keep on dreaming and hope one day it happens.

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  8. I totally feel you. Never rush a vasectomy!!

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