Monday, April 30, 2007

Party Weekend

Instead of napping I hear my daughter in her room singing "girlfriend" by Avril Levine. It is so cute that I can almost forgive her for not napping.
Almost.

On Saturday the kids had a birthday party to go to. When they received the invitation on Tuesday my first instinct was to decline because I knew E was working and I would have to attend this party by myself and actually interact with people, a area where I have regressed in since moving down here. Notice I still have no friends. It has only been four years.
I knew i had to take them because they would have so much fun and it was a nice change of pace for a rainy Saturday.
We went and my kids had a blast and I even interacted with some parents. Wow, what a novelty.

Now if only I could get an invitation to a party. They kind where the fruit punch is spiked and the bounce house is strictly for drinking games.

Friday, April 27, 2007

Maybe You Should Need A License to Become Parent

I like the show 30 rock but have never been much of a Alec Baldwin fan, or any of the Baldwin brothers for that matter. I love Alec on 30 Rock, but when I heard that recording he left for his daughter via TMZ the day before all Alec hell broke looses, I couldn't believe he was talking to his daughter.
I mean who calls their child a "vile little pig"?

Really though, I am certain that many of us have said things to our spouses or children that would seem pretty bad if it was broadcast around the world many times over. I know I have.
Should you call your child names, ever? No. I do believe he loves his daughter as much as Kim Bassinger does. Or I chose to believe that because if they were just fighting over this little girl for power and spite over the other person, I could lose a little more faith in humanity and I don't have that much more to spare.

Alec was on the view today spewing incoherent ramblings and almost breaking down a few times. It wasn't good. I really think that he and Kim have got to leave their shit at the door and do what is best for the kid. Why do so many adults forget that?

Why do so many adults act like children? I think I will go to Alec's website and suggest he rent irreconcilable differences.
Maybe Drew Barrymore can teach them.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Water Excess

Today R went to work with her Dad. I dressed her up, E fashioned a little name badge for her and off they went. E was up against tough competition because today was "show and tell" day at school and she was on the fence about what was going to be more fun.

E promised her a nice lunch out so she went with him, but made me promise she can bring something to school next week to show her friends.
So far she is having the time of her life and I will be blogging about her day on my other blog.

I am trying to drink more water. I am drinking two of my smart water bottles which is about 50 oz. Great, I feel better, I am not really drinking soda at all and I have a little more energy. The bad part? I cannot leave the house.
I have to pee every 14 minutes. Peeing so often is a real pain because I go upstairs to my bathroom. The downstairs bathroom has been taken over by the kids, who really are gross and even though I clean that bathroom every day, it always seems dirty.
I go pick up the kids from school, I pee before I leave and as soon as I get home.
Seriously, I can't take this peeing anymore. Granted my bladder isn't what it used to be after being pregnant with the kids, but really, who has time for all of these bathroom trips?
I have better things to do.
Like wonder when my hottie landscaper will be back.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Confessions

I throw away at least half of the candy my mother in law send the kids. They never know.

That is my true mom confession, and there is plenty more where that came from. Won't you join me at my other place and send me your parenting confession?
Pretty please?


edit: DD nominated me for Hottest Mommy Blogger, probably just out of pity because of these great pictures, but that is fine with me.
I am just happy to pimp out my blog with the badge!

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

"Well, they gave me gonorrhea!" "Who? The government?"

I just came back from the happiest place on Earth.
No, not Disney the OBGYN! I swear, I hate getting my exam, but it is a necessary evil. I try to make myself feel better, but remembering Madonna even has to get the "exam" as well as Barbara Bush. I don't know why this makes me feel better, but it does.

I took pictures! Why wouldn't I? I did have 30 minutes to kill before I saw the doctor. It should surprise me I had to wait so long because my appointment was 9:30am but it doesn't because this office is notorious for their wait. I do so love my doctors, so I put up with it. For now. But the bitch behind the counter who made me get up and fill out a tiny space on the forms which were insignificant to anything I was there for, my insurance or my bod, and on a form I have filled out 569048 times in the past year, watch it because it is just a matter of time before I go off on you. Stop acting like your job is so important that you cannot be bothered to be polite. Whore!


Here we go! Just had my blood pressure taken, and it was perfecto as usual.
These socks that go over the stirrups are mocking me. they know it is a matter of minutes before I hear "a little further down. More. A little more".













Here I am trying it out fully clothed for your pleasure. These stirrups are comfy when you have shoes on. Damn! I forgot to wear socks. Good thing E painted my toes last night. Thanks E.







Here I photographed the observable fact which is sweeping the nation and will hereby forever known as H.U.P.

Hidden Underwear Phenomenon

We don't know why we must hide the underwear, especially knowing minutes later someone will be inches away from our whoohas, but we still do it.
This time, I switched things up a bit and instead of stuffing them under a pant leg, I put them in a pocket!
I am so crazy!








Nothing comes between me and my Calvins.


Now I am standing here taking pictures of my stuff while with one hand holding up the thin paper blanket over my front, leaving my bare ass exposed to the door which could be opened at any moment, leaving me so embarrassed I may melt right there.
I live on the edge.






I would have taken more pictures, but I was too scared I was going to get caught. The last thing I need is to be blacklisted at my OBGYN.
Really, that would ruin my whole week.




Monday, April 23, 2007

Spring Blues

Finally after days and days of raining and flooding we had some beautiful weather here in NJ. It lightened my mood for the first part of the weekend, but I couldn't help myself feel blue yesterday.

I think it is the onset of spring, when I take out my capri pants and shorts and Ts and realize I need to lose weight or all my clothes are ugly and old. It is really depressing. Plus, ladies, is it me or are all the shirts out there now for us remind you of maternity shirts? Long Ts and belted empire waists? No thank you.
It seems like all cute, printed t shirts are for men.
I mean I am not wet seal but even though I just celebrated another birthday, I am SO not ready to be LL Bean yet either. I am inbetween where leggings under my oversized shirt and blet do not fit, but I refused to call it a day and start wearing sweaters with kittens all over it. I vow, that I will never wear a kitten sweater. (funny because I always threaten my mother with one of those god awful "Grandmas sweethearts" sweathirts with a picture of a rainbow and clowds or something equally god awful, and has a list of all the names of her grandkids. She gets pissed when I say that because I tell her she will have to wear it "for her sweet grandkids, What will the kids say, mom, when their grandma won't even weat the special sweatshirt with all of their names on it and the matching hat?" Do it for the kids!)

bottom line is: I need some fashion suggestions.

Plus, I know I love black. I always wear black, especially tops, all black, but in summer? Not so much fun. It really is too hot to wear black all the time but I find myself always going for the shirt or pants in black. Maybe I will have to go with white.
Black or white? Who am I, Victoria Gotti?

How exciting is this post? Really?

Listen, what do you want I have a gyn appointment first thing tomorrow morning and I am dreading it already.
Yuk.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

And The Goodbyes Make The Journey Harder Still

In February I wrote about my anniversary of sadness.
That is the date that you have in your head of things that were meant to be or never was. I have to add another one to my mental calendar book, today should have been my due date.

Unfortunately I lost the babies I was carrying almost 10 weeks into my pregnancy. Today I should have been celebrating being a new mother again, but, I guess that was not supposed to be. I try to have faith, but sometimes I feel when I trust in a higher being, in faith, I am eventually let down.
I am sick of being disappointed.

Today I will try to celebrate life with my husband and two perfect, healthy, beautiful twins. I will go and buy some flower bulbs, ones that will reappear each spring at this time to help remind me that there is beauty everywhere even if I chose not to see it.

I will not let anyone know about my anniversary. I will keep it to myself, mourning for what should have been while being grateful for what is.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Before and After

I have exciting things to do today. I need to purchase a lime and a thermometer. I know, I can't contain myself either.
Seriously, I never could imagine this good life when I was working 40 hours a week, going out to lunch at fabulous places, shopping for whatever I want on my lunch hour and spa treatments whenever. I thought staying at home with my kids was going to be really good.

Look at me now, lime and thermometer shopping. So hip and cool!
The biggest decision today is to go to one or two different shops for these purchases.
I may even go crazy and purchase an iron supplement, because pooping is overrated.

Even if I have no purchased anything for myself in longer then I can remember, my daughter's prayers before dinner last night made it all worthwhile:
Thank you god for our house and our family, thank you for Daddy working so hard, thank you Mommy for making these noodles, and the bread.........and butter, she is the best cooker, she is the best Mommy"

Yeah, that makes it all OK.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Grooming for My Doctor? Why Do I Care?

I didn't get the message from God to build an Arc.
I am so sick of this rain.

Today I can't talk about how shitty this world is, or how the 5 days of rain and winds are driving me insane.


No, I am warning you, today I am going to talk about pubic hair.
Get out now while you can. Just click that little red x in the upper right hand corner.

OK, well here we go. I cannot bring myself to get a Brazilian wax. I just can't get on all fours in front of anyone, never mind someone ripping hairs from my innermost sensitive places. At least not without a promised orgasm.
I have been the recipient of a regular old bikini wax. It is fine, it hurts but what doesn't?
So, I have taken to shaving.
Everything.
It is a menacing task which requires you to contort your body into positions not easily achieved and various tools. AND unless you like stubble you have to do it often. It is a bitch but I do it.

Which brings me to my problem. I have a gyn appointment next week and I am too embarrassed to show up hairless.
I have no idea why, I mean it is common nowadays and really, who cares what my doctor thinks of my grooming practices. After all it takes quite a while so why not show it off?!
I guess I will let some grow in so as not to be so embarrassed. really what I should do is write the words " I know, I know, scoot down more" for my doctor but alas, I am not that hairy.

Monday, April 16, 2007

Spring Has Not Sprung

Spring? Where?
Not here in NJ. It has been raining no less then 32 hours and there is no end in sight. Not cute little spring raindrops either, full on rain and last night I just knew the winds were going to rip off the roof. That would have sucked but what would have sucked more is the satellite dish would have went with it, and you know how I feel about my TV time.

Today will be more wind and rain as this nor'easter pounds the East Coast and shows them what a bitch mother nature really can be, and you certainly cannot leave because all the airports have cancelled flights here in the tri-state area.

I hear my sub pump working and that is a great sign, although the fact it had to go on at all is not great.
Oh! And it is freezing here, high of 47 today!! Break out the bathing suits, pronto!


So how is spring working out for you??





Friday, April 13, 2007

My New Life

I woke up in just a terrible mood today. It may be the weather which is cold (wtf?) and rainy here. It may just be I like to be a bitch sometimes.

I went to the grocery store already this morning with my kids which is a terrible situation for a myriad of reasons. I remembered when I was the person with the small cart with a baguette, some imported yummy cheese, 4 containers of yogurt and a ton of fresh herbs in my cart.
Now I am the loser with the huge ass shopping cart with the stupid car attached so both kids can fit in the cart and one is not in every shoppers way. My big ass cart is filled with bulk paper towels, juices and 15 packages of chicken breasts, because lets face it, besides chicken what the fuck is there to eat?
My goal for me today besides getting something for my kids to eat?
Take a shower.

I have huge aspirations.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Massages For Everyone!

My massage was awesome and the entire time I was wondering why I don't get them as often as I used to. I wonder why 60 minutes can't go that fast when I have a gyn visit.

Maybe they should offer a massage while you are getting a pap, then I would look forward to the visit, and also offer it at the dentist. Head and neck massage when you are getting your vajayjay checked and a leg and foot massage when you are getting your teeth cleaned.
Best idea ever.


Who watched LOST last night? God, I love that show, but my brain hurts from all the new questions that arise when they give you one answer. I have a million theories in my head about that island.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

I Wouldn't Want it Anyway!

What? Nobody nominated me for hottest mommyblogger?
Hmmpfh.

Massage Away My Sickness

Today is the massage day. All the strange things that go on in my head can't stop me from enjoying my 60 minutes of bliss. I will let you know how the underwear hiding and upper thigh massaging goes.

I have become a hypochondriac since my dad's death and my thyroid issues. I guess that is normal. I went to my doctor yesterday because I felt a lump on my throat, not where my thyroid is, on my throat. I have also had a sore throat for a couple of days and I was dizzy a bunch of times last week and add to that, my hair seems to be falling out in massive quantities.

So of course I think I have throat cancer, vertigo and female pattern baldness.
the doctor said she "wasn't overly impressed" with what I thought I felt on my neck. She said the dizziness was probably from my sore throat/inner ear thing and I forgot to tell her about my hair falling out.
Then last night I had a nose bleed and now I think I have leukemia.

Also? Is it possible to have a freckle turn into a raised mole that is cancerous?
God, I am a mess.
Let's hope the massage will cure it all.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Massages

My birthday was great. Cake was involved so, how can the day be bad? We have eaten three different cakes in four days. Not a bad record, if you ask me.

One of my birthday gifts from my husband is an hour massage at my hair salon/spa tomorrow. The appointment has been made with the "best" masseuse.
I have to get into a mindset to get my massage, which I indulged in often BK (before kids) but I realized I haven't had one since a pregnancy massage when I was 8 months pregnant. I am due.
I have to keep calm and not worry during my massage, are my legs hairy? does anything about me smell? don't pull that towel down too much my fat is hiding! are my boobs peeking out? do I have back fat? Ohhhh, her hand is going up a little high on my thigh, is she going to touch it? That is too high! Alert, alert, she is going to touch my vagina, easy lady!

Oh things like that don't go through your mind when you have a massage? You must be normal.

I am not.

Not to mention I still get mad at myself tucking my underwear under my clothes like I do at my gyn's office, but I have to do it.
I mean, there is nothing like making sure nobody sees your underwear on a chair, in the corner, when you are lying nude on a table and going to be touched all over by another woman.


BTW, when/if you get massages do you always go with a women or man?

Monday, April 09, 2007

Raw Eggs, Easter and Birthdays

I survived with having four kids here again. We colored eggs and that went well, but I guess I had too many eggs in the pot and I didn't boil it long enough because when R was stamping an egg and it broke, we discovered they are not all the way cooked. Whoops! I guess E will not be having egg salad this week.

Easter was good, the kids were really into finding eggs this year and it was so much fun watching them. We went to church then breakfast with my mother, drove my sister and her kids to my Aunt's house and ate drank and watched kids play. What could be better?
Coming home with two sleeping kids, having some (more) wine and watching the Sopranos with my husband.

Today? Well, it is my birthday. I am planning on resting, having a nice cosmo, eating cake and hanging with my peeps.
Go Tuesday, its your birthday.................................

Friday, April 06, 2007

Fridays

What I am up to today:

  • It is E's birthday today so making a nice dinner and a cake
  • My 13 yo niece and 11 yo nephew are here until tomorrow morning, so entertaining them
  • trying not to drink to excess until at least 4pm
  • finding something to wear for Easter
  • trying to stay sane
  • eating tons of meat because Jesus told me to do so
  • boiling eggs
  • coloring those eggs
  • bathing kids who have egg color all over them
  • drinking

And what are you doing this fine Friday? Happy Easter!

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Me, Just Me

I am officially out of the closet.
I am writing recipes for the Hot Moms Club now and I feel good about my decision to stay blogging here, but be "out".
Somewhat. You can check out my interview in March with storkcalling.

Wow.
That was hard and strange and liberating all at the same time.

Keeping it Real

Go on over and check out my post on real mothers. You are all tagged to comment on what you think a "Real Mother " is.

You also must tell me how to stop eating my kid's Easter candy that I just purchased yesterday? At this rate it will all be gone by Friday.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

The Tax Man

My town sent a nice man to come reassess our home (insert sarcasm here) which is so terrific, I can't even tell you.
Please Mr. Tax Man can I pay more property taxes even though they are the highest in the country and even though you just upped our sales tax this summer? Please?!!!?

Anywhoooo, they were scheduled to come out to our neighborhood between this day and that date, I paid no attention. Yesterday I went home to visit my poor sister in the hospital so she wouldn't kill herself from boredom and to tell her Hey! I didn't kill your kids or mine while they were in my care, and let her bask in my parental awesomeness.
She did.
I guess yesterday was my tax reassessment day and I missed the guy but he left a lovely note stating he will be back between 5:30-7:30pm. Great!
I returned to my lovely over taxed home at about 5pm and I made dinner and went about my business until I heard a knock on my front door.
Tax man cometh.

Here is a list of things that poor man had seen and heard in my home the 3.5 minutes he was here:
2 nude children running around
1 nude child crying that she hurt "her vagina"
my "hottie" underwear drying on top of the washer
2 nude children bathing
a filthy, gross, cat puke ridden basement
1 bra strewn on vanity chair

All in all I would say it was a great time. He made me feel better by telling me he has seen it all: dead animals, nude people, nude kids, filthy houses. Which made me wonder all at once, where do I apply for this job of his and when can I get this guy drunk because those are some great drinking stories.