Holidaze

Finally! All of the craziness and rush of the holidays are now over and I can breathe. The kids got everything they could have wanted, they had fun with their family and friends and so did we.
I ate (way too much!) and had lots of yummy new drinks and recipes I tried. Of course this time of year is always melancholy for me as I miss my Dad so much still.
Christmas Eve is my favorite day of the year and my dad was always a huge part of that. Since he has been gone, it is just not the same. Sometimes I think I haven't even finish grieving and that pain is still so real. I need to help myself with that.

At least this year of new house, new friends, new town, new job, new school is over and we can look to the new year to get back into a groove and get back what we lost.
We can only go forward, right?!

Gift Giving Madness

The worst part about the holidays is trying to buy a gift for that special person in your life, and you just can't figure out what to buy.
I want to get something for her that is special, but doesn't cost a lot of money. Something that is perfect for her- but she has everything she wants.

So tell me what would you gift to a woman in her 40s, who has everything, loves bling and going out? Do you have a go to gift for a hard to buy for person on your list this year?

These days

These days life is so busy. L just finished a football season that was undefeated. For a small boy with heart but tends to be very sensitive he did better than I could have dreamed. He was even awarded a trophy for "pound for pound best player". Not bad for first time playing!

R cheered unfortunately not for her brother but another team. She did awesome like everything R does. We are so proud of her.

Baby K is not a baby anymore now that he is 2.55 year old. Everything is "why". His love for Thomas the train is un-paralleled. He refused to potty train, He loves to try and be just like his big brother and sister.
He is a joy.

E has a job but it sucks. It is hard to be positive after all this time of trying to find a job, people not wanting to touch him because of his past salary, moving twice and selling our house for zero dollars only to get a job where your boss lies about salary and bonuses and is making half of what he did in his last job. Not easy when rent prices don't go down.

I love my job but wish it paid more. Who doesn't right?

We are so excited to spend the holidays with family and friends without having to travel! We can't wait to see what the new year brings for our new chapter.
I am going to go into the last month of the year and into the new year with positive thoughts, hope and prayers!

Our Disney Trip

We had a great time in Florida. Surprising our kids was the best part of the whole trip for E and I. We it right as we were leaving for school. The bags were packed and we were off to the airport instead! They were so excited and grateful to go to Disney and visit with their grandparents.

They got to relax at their grandparents house, catch lizards, swim, ride in the golf cart (their very favorite every time!) and visit Mickey and Minnie.

We had a great time as well, although I wish we had one more day for down time and maybe some alone time for E and I.

It made us feel so good to be able to give this to them and us after all of the sacrifices we had to make the last few years. We still have so much farther to go, but we are trying and hopefully things will continue to go e way they should so we can get back to where we were.

Making Memories

After three years of being at our lowest lows, we can finally see the light. After losing his job and not being able too find one, after selling our house foor no money, after moving to a new state for a job that was anything but and not eating so our kids could eat- we are finally on the upswing.

Tomorrow we can finally give our kids something we dreamed about for 3 years. tomorrow we are surprising our kids with a trip to Disney!

Surprising them is more exciting too me that actually gooing there. I can't wait to see their reactions. They get to visit with their grandparents and Aunt and have fun. they don't remember their last trip, so this is going to be wonderful.

I can't wait to show you pictures and videoo of the surprise and trip when we get back!

Cheering Mom

I was the fun girl, the one that people liked. I had friends, I was a cheerleader. I was popular the one voted most likely to succeed. I have always a boys' girl. I had as many boy friends as I had girl friends.
Less drama.

I have always been under the impression I was the cheerleader mom. I love a high ponytail, dressing up and being a girly girl. My daughter is the same way.
Imagine my surprise when we joined cheering and I hate. all. the. moms.

I hate the stupid way cheering is run, the drama, the moms who have never cheered except when the ice cream man rolled their way but love to tell you what to do and how to do it.

I am very surprised to realize I am a football mom.
I love the drama free fun, the boys being boys. The moms who don't stress over the small stuff.

I already tried to get E to do the cheering stuff in my place but that was a no-go either.

I will put my head down, try and stay out of the cheering drama and try to push soccer for next year!

Okay to say goodbye?

This blog has been such a huge part of my every day life for so many years now. Since we moved back to NJ and I am working, I found I don't need this crutch as much. I hesitate to close it because it is so dear to me.
I never started it to have thousands of readers a day. I was lonely and started this blog waaay before most people heard of "blogs". I had twin babies and a husband and was now in a new role as a stay at home mom after working my adult life.

Now my twins are starting second grade tomorrow and my baby is 2.5. I am working once again and trying to rebuild our lives like they were before E lost his job almost 3 years ago.

I don't want to let go but maybe I have to. Maybe it is something we all have to do with lots of things in our lives, but we need someone else to tell us it is okay first.

So, is it okay?

K

Two years and five months ago this miracle came into our world:



Dont let his blue as sky eyes and curly locks fool you, this angle is a devil in disquise.
He is almost always dirty and always into things. He helps himself to whatever is in the fridge, climbs on the train table, throws food onto the floor and screams "no" when is told what to do.
He has both his older brother and sister wrapped around his fingers, as well as his parents.

He climbs up ladders with no fear, copies his older siblings and cousins. He wants to be a big boy but is still a little man. But make no mistake, if you tell him he cannot do something- he will prove you wrong. He can and will.

He eats too much junk, loves to sip our coffees if left unattended and throw things into the tub. He makes more of a mess than the twins put together and loves to call other kids "baby" no matter how much older they are then him.
His curls are almost always matted with juice and his feet are always black even though he wears shoes. He picks out his only clothes and loves to watch the same episode of Barney over and over (I know!).

He demands attention any where he goes and old and young, stranger or family he gets it. He was named after my father and he certainly has his personality, Fun, warm, sweet, fun, kind and outrageous.

I love him deeply and madly. I fought to have him and can't stand to see him grow so quickly. I want him to stay my baby forever.

Sometimes at bedtime when he has his blankey drapped over his chubby belly and calls for me to come lay with him in my bed, I will the image and feeling of his little arm around me gently patting my back, to stay with me forever.
I know it is something I will feel again as I leave this Earth.

Our hearts are forever intertwined and I wouldn't have it any other way.

1 Bathroom Home

"Well, I am N E V E R eating at papaya king again!"

"why?" I asked

"I feel sick add that is all I ate today"

"But you just ate a sandwich from Blimpie"

"Nope. It is too soon for it to be Blimpie, I knew that hot dog looked funny to me today"

"A funny looking hot dog? Isn't that an oxymoron? How does a hot dog look any different than it usually does?" I ask as he runs off to the bathroom.


Let me tell you, this is going to be one of those nights I don't care how poor I was, I want my 4 big bathroom house in NH back!

My Rules

Believe in something

Don't look back to feel sorry for yourself, look back to see how far you have come and to learn something

Notice the little things- they are usually most important

Listen to what your mom says because she is usually right

Hate is not the opposite of love, it takes too much energy. They are closely related and each mean you care. Indifference is the true opposite of love

Always carry MILK (money, ID, lipstick, keys)

Dance in the rain with someone you love

Don't be stingy with your love but be picky

Hug a stranger

Go somewhere by yourself with bare essentials and a good book

Listen to other people's stories. Everyone has one and they are always fascinating.
They will tell you about yourself

Don't believe in fate but do believe in Karma

Hold a baby

Make a wish on a shooting star every time you see one

Always help others, there is not one reason not to

Truly listen

The answers are everywhere, just breathe

Make sure you have a good, firm handshake

Laugh so hard that you can't breathe, repeat often

Everything is beautiful you just have to look

Your parents are right- you won't really know what true, undeniable, awe-inspiring love is until you have your own child

Don't give up on yourself. Never give up

**********************
Those are my rules, now let me know what yours are......

For R

When I was pregnant with my twins, I thought they were both girls. When I found out baby A was a boy I was very surprised, it was if I never knew I could create one of those. Maybe I was just hoping for a girl.

Boy did I get one. R is sweet and spice and everything nice- sometimes.
I read once that a mother daughter relationship is tough because you see all of their faults as your own.
Maybe that is true and maybe it is not but I see how difficult a mother/daughter relationship can be and I have only been at it for seven years.

R is almost mythical to me. Sometimes I just stare at her as if I don't know what to do with her. It is as if I found a unicorn in the woods, would I want to jump on it and ride it as fast as I could to see all that it could do and scream to the world about what I just found, or would I gently pat the beast and look tenderly in its eyes knowing what it knows and visit it every day while telling not a sole about this wonderful creature?


I love the way she laughs with her mouth open and her head tilted back. I love the way the short hair around her face curl on a humid day. I love that her eyes are so green they remind me on Christmas trees.
She is tall and lean built like and athlete. She is fast. She is brave. She is kind to others and is a good student. She makes friends with everyone.
She is everything I want to be.

I want whisper in her ear all the mistakes I made so she wouldn't repeat them. I want to make sure she loves herself as much as she should.
I fear for her when she wants to act older, I want her to enjoy being seven for seven more months, it goes too fast. Every day she wakes up she is a little older with a little less "little girl" written all over her face.
She can tell me she doesn't like princesses or dolls or playing polly pockets anymore all she wants. To me, I think even when she is an adult, I will still see her as my little girl with her head held back with a huge smile on her face playing with her dolls in my arms.

I especially love that I know it will be one of my final pictures in my mind as I leave this world.
I love you R- for eternity.

Where I Am Now.

I often wonder if most people are like me, constantly examining where they are in their lives?
Am I where I should be? Am I content? Do I do things differently from now on?

Being honest with myself, I stayed a stay at home mom for too long. I needed something else to occupy my time and brain. I thought being home with the kids 24/7 was what they needed but what about what I needed?

I like where I am right now, I am working great hours, just got a raise, being with my kids after school/camp, lost a good amount of weight and although E says I am too hard on myself, I still promise myself before I fall asleep every night to be a better mom and wife tomorrow.
Why do I still have no patience with the twins fighting with each other? Why do I yell so much? Why raise my voice when I don"t have to?

I try. That is all I can ask of myself and the only reason my self doubt doesn't evolve into self loathing.


I hate cooking in this kitchen and I figured it out- it is because this kitchen sucks. It is small and has no dishwasher. There is no counter space.
All of my top of the line, stainless steel appliances are in the garage collecting dust as I try to bake cookies, 6 at a time in my tiny stupid oven.

I love to cook and bake and it frustrates me I have no room for groceries and no counter space to speak of. Cooking doesn't bring me joy anymore- it is a daily chore now.
I get that I am only punishing myself and my kids by not cooking anymore and I think of great chefs who cook in TEENY kitchens in NYC.

I promise to try more for my family. To not get too upset when I decided to just "prepare" dinner instead of making dinner. I won't put too much pressure on myself.
It is all I can ask of myself, enough to be happy but keep the loathing at bay.

Pasta, Baby

he Wanna vote for this cutie? He and I would appreciate the prize and will reward you with more cute belly photos in the future. You can vote for him (every day :)) Here:

http://ronzonismarttaste.newworldpasta.com/blogger/

you can also find great recipes on the Ronzoni site as well as be a fan on facebook.

Summer Time

I never dread the end of school. I love my kids and it isn't until week 3 of summer vacation that I get exasperated by the lack of being able to occupy their days what with the 349,347 toys and games they have.
I love summer and not being rushed or have the whole day to explore with each other.

This summer is a little different as R & L will be going to camp M-F from 9-3 while I work and L is at my sister's house. I know they will love camp with their friends and when it is over we will have a few weeks to go to the beach, amusement parks and other fun day trips before football practice for L begins.

I am excited about this coming summer and what we will do. I am still loving my job (I just got a raise!) and my flexible schedule. In the fall things will be a little different as I will have more responsibility around the house because E is going to be getting his masters degree at night. Change is good, right? These past two years have been all about change and I think it has made me a better person.

I know this summer will be great for all of us.

My Big Wet Surprise

Last Saturday I decidded to go to a mall in my hometown. I say a mall because there are no less than 3 malls in my town. I went with my three kids in tow for a fun day of shopping and bonding. The baby decided he needed "more milk, momma" so off to Whole Foods which is attached to the mall, we went.

I bought him some milk, in addition to a couple of other things and we got on the check out line. Right then all the kids started to asking for things, talking and then it hit- a huge sneeze.
This was a big one and since it creeped up on me, I was unprepared. As soon as I sneezed I felt a wet drip down my leg.

Yes, I indeed wet my pants. I didn't know if I should laugh or cry.

It wasn't that much, a spot on my pants, but it was enought and it felt like everyone in the store knew what had just happened. "Is this really happening" I asked myself. Yes, It was.
I just peed my pants in a big girl store. The moral of the story is that I need to do more kegels.
Also? I will remember this event ad when the kids are old enough I will have to remind them of just what they did to my body.

Wordless Wednesday

The New Me

This time of year makes me the most melancholy. As if that explains what I am thinking and doing now in my life. It is that first day of spring where you have your windows open all day, and at dusk the cool breeze blows hard down your back and makes you want a sweater but you keep the windows open a little longer?

That day makes me melancholy. Maybe wistful.

I feel better about myself than I have in ages. I have lost weight, I have a income, I am seeing my friends again a couple of times a month. I have new friends. I am doing things outside my comfort zone.

I knew staying home with the twins when they were born over 7 years ago was important- and something I wanted to do.
We decided giving up my salary was something we could sacrifice for it, but I am just now realizing what else I sacrificed in the meantime.
Myself.

Everything was about my kids- especially since we had no friends or family near us to help. That is how it is supposed to be but it really took a toll on my marriage, my appearance, my life. It was if I had no idea who I was anymore besides a mom.

I am coming into myself and it feels fantastic. After this long journey of E losing his job and us scrambling, fighting and praying for 2 years, it feels great to be able to breathe again.
I doubted you people when you said to keep strong and that we would come out on the other side.
We have a ways to go to get back to where we were but we will do it.

I can do it.

Points Of Interest

Are my kids the only ones that are fascinated with the Empire Carpet commercial? The twins would always stop what they were doing to watch when they heard that jingle and know K loves it as well.

I never thought I would ever want plastic surgery but these dark circles under my eyes make me look tired all the time. If I could get rid of them quickly I would! My boss is even considering having a botox party and for a split second I wanted to go.

I am SICK of my bras. SICK. They all stink. I know I am an adult because I am fantisising about spending hours in the Macy's bra department trying out every bra and finding the perfect one.
Now, only if Macy's served drinks in the dressing rooms.

Why do my kids have more/better clothes than I do??

When dd I get my mom's thighs?

What is with this silly bands obsession? Really, wearing shaped rubber bands on your wrist? I am buying them why?? Yet, I get all into it and look for the newest ones for my kids.

What is going on with you these days?

Marriage

This year E and I will be married for ten years. That still hasn't sunk in yet. Ten years is a long time and I still feel like I was on my honeymoon 3 years ago.
I know I was ready to get married. We had been dating for awhile, we talked about marriage and I never got cold feet. I think I had done enough in my single life that I have no regrets, but I wonder what you think is a "must do" before marriage?

I want to know what you would your advise your own child to do before getting hitched?

Do you think you should have your own apartment?
Have had sex with more than one person?
Be over a certain age?

I would love to hear what you think as a complile my list for my own children.

To Stay Or Go?

It is a funny thing about this blogging, these days I don't have it in me. When a blogger I love quits blogging and complains about life getting in the way I usually get mad. How much effort does blogging really take after all?
Now with my new job (love!) and settling back in NJ near all of my family and friends life has gotten in my way too.

I am busy and I am not complaining. I love my new job and my boss (who is BFFs with a reality TV star and by proxy I am getting to know- which is wierd). My kids are great but they keep me busy with playdates, school work and making sure their days are filled with memories of a good mom. E loves his new job and is doing so well- just like we knew he would.

I started this blog to journal my days as a stay-at-home mom to my new twins. Now 6 years and one more kid later- I wonder where I am going with this blog.

I hope I stay, even if it is a little more effort on my part because I do enjoy it and my friends I have met doing it.

Let's see my friends, where shall I go next?

Time

I remember the dream clearly. When I finally awoke from one nightmare and into another, I had been crying for some time.
Begging him to know, to understand how much I love him. How he was the best, and that was not something that people just said- I meant it with every ounce of energy in my being.

Sometimes words aren't enough. I couldn't find words in the English language to express it- no one had invented it yet.

"I am sorry he told me, but you don't need me- I didn't teach you anyway, you were the teacher."
How can that be? Every single day I extract words and thoughts and lessons from you and bring them into my own consciousness.

"Then aren't they yours all along, just now you are ready to accept them?"

If you weren't good, or better than good then why is there a gaping hole in my body where my heart used to beat? Why does it feel okay to give up? Why would a good person, a truly great man just go while others, less men, bad people stay?

"I don't know. There are no words. They haven't been invented yet.
As for memories and lessons they will stay as long as you let them in to remain. Teach your children well.
Be generous with your time and love. Family is always number one. Don't cry for me, I don't deserve it. I wish I had given you more. Of everything." he replied.

I wished he had given me more of everything too.
But time is a bitch and she comes calling to all of us sooner or later.
What will you leave as your mark?

E

I met E at work. I swore I would never date a co-worker again but E had a different idea. I went over his house once and from that day on we have been together.

When I met E he wore tight jeans and had a beard. I told him I didn't like beards and the next day it was gone.
He couldn't keep a secret and wore work boots every day.

Still I fell for him and a month later I was sure one day I would marry him.
Four years later I did just that.


His jeans are looser now and the beard never made another apperance. We are older and slightly wiser.
He loves me as much as he did that first night I visited him.

I love him even more.
Happy Birthday E, I can't wait for the next 40.
Together.

Health

Well, that was an experience.

On a trip for a routine physical for the school our new pediatrician noticed L was wheezing and gave him some meds. Then some more and more even. When nothing worked they told E to go straight to the emergency room with him. That was last Wednesday and he finally came home yesterday morning.
Thank goodness he is all better and just has to follow up with the doctor next week. That was one of the scariest "parenting" times I have had these past seven years.
The first night we were in the hospital as L finally slept, I sat in the corner and cried. I cried for the parents who had to be in a hospital with kids much more sick than L, I cried for the parents who left without their little ones and I cried for my baby- that he would only get better not worse.
It is hard being a parent and these stressful, hard times are only made easier remembering that health is the most important thing in our lives. As long as we are all healthy in my little family, everything else can be dealt with and we can be happy.

Update

I am sorry I haven't updated in awhile. My 7 year old son had an asthma attack that was so severe he has been in the hospital since Wednesday. He is doing much better and should be able to go home tomorrow.
His twin sister and baby brother miss him so much. E and I have been shuffling them back and forth with family so we can stay with L in the hospital all the time.
This was very scary since he was never diagnosed with asthma.
I will be back soon with hopefully, a great update.

Happy Easter!

The Truth

Thank goodness I don't have to go to the doctor's office too often. Truth be told, I don't even have a doctor here in NJ yet. I will pick one soon enough and off I will go for my physical, I want to know how I am doing and just what my blood tests come back saying.
Not that I really want to know, I do not- but as I am rapidly approaching another 30-something birthday I am reminded that I need to take better care of myself for my kids. No matter what I am doing or not doing, I can do more.

As I am relatively healthy and have weaned myself off of all my asthma meds and only take an over the counter allergy pill every day, I don't have much to report to my new doctor. That is unless I want to be honest.

Honestly my medical complaint is that I can sometimes pee when I cough, or sneeze too hard.
I know, I know I had BIG ole babies who did the Irish jig on my bladder every day for 39 and 40 weeks respectively. I know this happens to many women.
I know, so that is why I did my kegels.

I do them during boring church sermons, I do them during work to pass the time, I do them during sex to see if it feels any different. I do them.

Still every time I have a bad cold with cough and a runny nose? Well I just put on a pantyliner and call it a day. I am a hot mess.

Do I tell the doctor about my "condition" or do I buy some adult diapers while pretending to buy them for a sick Aunt and chalk it up to being a woman?

Unfaithful

"All men are animals" my friend told me once. She was referencing her husband who would "comb his hair" in the bathroom for an awfully long time, way too often.
Way too often for her taste, anyway.

"Not all men" I would tell her, I mean look at E, he is a great husband and someday I knew he would make a good father too. He would never degraded me or cheat on me or do anything to jeopardize what we have.

Then you hear about friends who have broken up. "He cheated" someone would openly whisper. You would see a married co-worker at the bar without his ring on.

John Edwards, Tiger Woods, Jesse James, John McCain, John F. Kennedy, all these names and many more run through your head.

Just why can't men be happy with what they have? Is there such a thing as a committed monogamous man?
It is something I never thought I would have to worry about but with marriages crumbling around me in these last 9 years of marriage, I adhere to the never say never rule.
We know the people closest to us can hurt us the most. Is love ever just enough?


I tell you from experience: waiting for the other shoe to drop is exhausting. I have exhausted myself.
I want to know do you worry about your partner? Do you think men can have a one true love and be faithful forever?

Me, I believe in love and that love can overcome things you never thought possible.

The Elderly And Their Toast

I went to breakfast with my daughter today. We went to our local diner. Diners are a NJ staple and for those of you without diners in your life, I feel bad for you.
Open 24/7, order breakfast for dinner and get cheese fries with gravy on the side at 2am after a drunken night out- how do you live without it?

Anyway, old people love diners. Good food at a good value plus waitresses that will listen to you talk about your day? It is an old person's wet dream. Wait- do old people still have wet dreams?

I heard an old couple next to us complaining about their toast, it was not toasty nor buttery enough for them and I realized just how much old peeps like to complain.

It got me wondering, do octogenarian complain because they are fed up with even the littlest crap that goes wrong or does it just make them feel alive.
Yelling about toast may empower them and make them feel better about the fact that their pubes are grey.
Or that their bodies resemble a shar pei's face.

I am so not looking forward to that.

So the point of this post, if you can take anything from it ,is that diners rock and getting old sucks.

The End.

The Birthday Boy

My sweet baby boy,

I was waiting for you.
Your father thought our family was perfect as it was but I knew something was missing. I fought for you. I needed you so badly my heart ached every day, I loved someone I never knew.
You came into this world crying but softly. Suddenly the world was finally in color, colors I never thought existed. The world was finally filled with love and kindness. A bird sang in your ear a melody made just for you.

When you were born I knew you were here to change the world.
I fought for you, a fight that I thought could have ended my marriage- but I knew. I knew you were the missing piece to the simple and at the same time complicated family puzzle.

You are wild like a horse that runs just because it can. You are sweet like a peach on a warm summer day. You are a handful, you just are but there is nobody else I would want my hands full with.

I am so happy I get to be your mother and see the world all over again. I love the song the bird is singing in your ear and I hope it never ends.

Love, Mommy

Toddlers

When we were thinking about having another baby someone should have reminded me of the terrible twos. And threes because threes was no trip to the zoo either.
Someone should have reminded me of how baby loves to ignore "no", loves to touch everything he shouldn't and can basically be a jerk at least 24-59% of every day.

Baby K is into everything. I tricked myself into believing that this small, tiny house would be better for a baby. I will know where he is all the time, no surprises, I told myself.
What a crock.
In reality I know what he is doing all the time and what he is doing is taking out all of my tupperware and throwing my license from my wallet onto the floor (which should be done because what is with that picture? C'mon that DMV lighting is terrible but still WTF? ).

As all moms know you forget the pain and bad times of having a child because if we didn't we would have a society of one children families.
Remember how much that baby hurt coming out of your vagina, dear? The ring of fire? Cutting your entire bod in half to extract that baby? 2 am feedings? POTTY TRAINING??

Of course, we get over the bad times and the sweet child is so worth leaving the house with spit up/peanut butter/pee or baby powder on your clothing for 3-4 years.
My curly haired little one is funny and sweet and a terror sometimes but I wouldn't trade him for the world.
Although I would consider hiring someone to potty train him.


Now where the heck is my toaster oven??

Home Again, Home Again

We are finally moved in to our new home. These are the things that have happened in the past week of interest perhaps only to me, in no particular order other than to give you a glimpse in my silly, strange life:

-went to NH with my mother, baby and brother in law to pack up our big old house into two trucks and came back to NJ to unpack in 2.5 days

-got into a fight with some old dudes

-had a nice talk with a police officer who now lives in Bow NH (our old town) who grew up and lived in E's town, lived on his street and went to his high school in NJ

-I got a job an started today

-took a picture in a photo booth with the above mentioned peeps in a random rest stop in Connecticut

-fit a 4,300 sq foot house's belongings into a 1,200 sq foot house we are currently residing in and by fit I mean the entire basement and garage is filled with boxes and crap

-cannot find important things such as our phone and toaster oven and did people even make toast before toasters? I am debating using my oven as a make shift toaster for my breakfast. We are in code red since Shoprite had Thomas' toasting bread on sale.

-after the above mentioned old people cursed at me I saw an old man shit his pants as my husband, mother and brother in law got right into his face and threatened to lay him out

-drank waaaaaay to much beer

-went into a mission out of a movie to get my cat out of the house complete with rudimentary traps, a hockey stick, gloves, towels and one bakery box

-pissed off my mom on our 5 hour car ride by singing Celine Dion and speaking in a French accent

-finally slept in a bed after 5 weeks of sleeping on blow up mattresses, couches and floors

I am glad to be back, my friends.

The House

I saw the house we will be renting for the first time today and I cried.
It is not an awful house per say, but it is not mine.
The house we moved into with our twins was ours. We bought it and made in our own. It was our first and we were in love.
The house we leased in NH was ours, we thought we were going to be there forever and raise our children and grandchildren in it.
We made plans in it. We had dreams in it.

Now we are renters again and the house is small and ugly like bulldog ugly.
The boys will have to share a room and our bedroom will not fit all of our furniture.
It has one bath.
We have to finish the basement in order to fit our furniture in it. And our "stuff".

I didn't want to cry as I walked into the small kitchen with the teeny oven and no counter space. I felt the tears well up as I looked over the poorly painted walls and the old wooden cabinets. I knew it made E feel bad, as he was the one who picked this house.
I wanted to pick up my purse and turn on my heel right out the front door.
I don't want to pay what I paid on my mortgage for this tiny house, I don't want my kids to have to downsize everything just to "fit" in this home.

I am angry and sad. I want to rage against the machine. I want to scream at the top of my lungs on a mountain top.
I want to live in a home again, not just a house.

But, Tuesday Girl, a house is a house you have to make it your home you will tell me.
I know, I know I will say back to you and pat you on your head.

I do know, but at the same time, I don't want to know anything and just feel what I feel.

Pretty As A Picture

My daughter just turned seven but she has it all. She is smart, really smart and quick witted. She is tall and thin with blond, long hair.
She is fast at making friends. Bring her to any playgroup, playground or party and she will have at least a couple of new friends in 15 minutes flat.
People want to sit with her on the bus. She comes home with phone numbers and play date requests in her book bag weekly.

I always tell my kids how much I love them, how special they are and how pretty they look. I may tell them too much. In fact I know I tell them too much, so in an effort to not have the most conceited daughter in first grade, I focused my praise on her behaviors and showing the beauty on the inside.

One day R comes home from school and tells me how this boy in her class came up to her and told her that he was in love with her. She told this tale with enough disbelief and disgust in her voice to make me laugh.
"What did you say to him when he told you that, R?" I asked.
"I asked him 'what is beauty the only thing that matters to you?'"


Yeah, I may have been a little late with that inner beauty praise thing.

I Still Love You

Hi!
What is wrong with you? You are mad at me?
I know, I know, I haven't been around but I am here now.
Listen, it is not you....it is me, I have been busy so many things going on around here.
You don't believe me? We have been moving, dealing with landlord drama, I have three kids, two of which I am teaching at home until we move into our new place. I am adjusting to E's new work schedule, I have stuff, I just can't come visit every day!

Take it easy, I still love you. I haven't been writing on my other site either.
I am back now, there is no reason to give me the cold shoulder.
You know you love me.

Come on now, lay down here and let me stroke your hair until you fall asleep just like you like. I know you will be back tomorrow.
Don't worry so will I.

Love

I love the color pink. I love hearts and girly things. I love eating by candlelight or next to a fire.
I love homemade cards with lace and glitter, I think telling someone what they mean to you shouldn't be reserved for one day. I love when my husband will just start dancing with me in the kitchen when there is no music on.
I love kissing and hugging, especially my children. I love hot pink pajamas.
I love chocolate and heart shaped pancakes.
I love the idea of love.
I love that sometimes it is so cold it reminds me I am alive.
I am so happy that love can linger on and never die even if your loved one will never come back to return it.
I love hot chocolate in a big mug. I love the first warm day of the year. I love chocolate covered fruit. I love bright pink tulips and the smell of lilacs.
I love how quiet it is when it snows.
I love finding the perfect shell on the beach.
I love how powerful love can be, how it makes you really feel alive.

And not just today, but everyday, I love: love.

Teenagers

Since we are living with my sister in law and her two teenagers for the next few weeks, I need to assimilate to living with teenagers. I vaguely remember being one of these creatures although I remember being fourteen for an entire whole year once!
Terrible.
Since I have six years before I am the parent of teenagers, I am having a crash course and I have to say, I am not a fan.

Things that teenagers do not like to do:
Clean
listen to their parents
admit when they are wrong
wear clean clothing
do chores
listen to anyone
not speak in a whine
clean
speak nicely
talk on the phone and text message other annoying teens
be clean
be nice to their parents or siblings
did I mention they don't like to either clean or be clean?


Things teenagers like to do:
eat
sleep
act like an asshole
think they are the most important person in the world
complain
bitch
fight with their siblings
argue
nothing
take up the whole couch
live in filth
talk back
eat everything and say there is nothing to eat in the house
have an attitude for no reason
change clothes 50 times a day but unable to figure out how to use the washing machine
have friends who are dumb and as obnoxious as they are and who are also assholes

The moral of the story? We are screwed.



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It's Only Half Past The Point Of No Return

This post is not written because I don't want what I have. I love what I have. Sometimes, though, you just remember and smile.


I want to start getting ready to go out a 10pm. I want to listen to the music in my car as loud as I want and not care who is watching me sing and dance.
I wish for the days where I never had to be anywhere at any time and hanging out doing nothing was on the days agenda. Every day.
I want to have a crush. I want to eat a cheeseburger deluxe with fries and gravy on the side at 2am at our diner. I want to eat that after a night filled with too much alcohol and too many cigarettes.
I wish for those nights that were so great you wished they would never end.
I long for those days when everything about each other was new, the passion was endless and being without each other for an hour was unbearable.

I want to eat pizza every night. I want to be as skinny as I was in high school. I want to go to parties every weekend with friends I have had since I was 4. I want my phone to ring at 3am with someone who just wants to talk to me.
I want to have a sleepover. I want a secret admirer.
I want to run until I thought my sides were going to split. I want to dream what my husband is going to look like and where we are going to live. I want to get a note passed to me in class. I want to wear a too-short dress and not care, because I can.

I want to swing on a swing under a full moon and go higher than I have ever gone before.

Wordless Wednesday

Goodbye Snow that hangs out for months. Goodbye house we loved so much.

February

February is like a month chock full of Mondays. I hate it. Last year we moved to NH and left family and friends and maybe even hope behind in NJ. Six years ago my father died. This month, this year we are asking our kids to leave their friends once again and we are moving back to NJ. February is the time of year where I get sick of winter wish for a spring flower to bloom.
Just one.
So yeah, I am not a fan.

I told my husband once February sucks so bad they didn't even give it a full 30 days.

I sit here on the brink of this new month, this new February and I decided the month sucks because I let it. I have the power over my feeling and I can make the best of it or wallow in the terribleness of my memories.
E tells me I don't live in the moment enough, that I am not in "the now".
I completely agree with him.

This month, this year, this life in fact I have decided not to celebrate the deaths, or the failures. I am going to fight back against the demons.
This February I am going to see where life takes me, I am going to embrace change instead of fighting it.
This month I am going to stare out at my snow covered lawn and think of the bright flowers just waiting to bloom under the warm sun.

I can almost smell them already.

Dazed And Confused

This week has been a crazy mess and it is only Thursday. To give you a peek inside my life, I will tell the tales that have me either pissed, confused or bewildered:

-The realtor who is selling this house put a lock box on the door without telling or asking me. I called her told her to taker it off, I don't feel comfortable with it on the door when I am home alone with 3 kids. She said she would. 10 days ago she said she will be over in an hour to take it off.
It is still there.

-I have a rash under one of my boobs. WTH? I have no idea where it came from or why, it resembles a heat rash but it is anything but hot here. Even under my lady lumps. A boob rash and under wire do not go well together.
It hurts. I am alternating powdering my under boob and staring in disbelief at my self in the mirror.

-Really? A John Edwards sex tape? Haven't you put your wife through enough? The lies and the lies about lies, where does it end. I kind of liked John Edwards as a person many years ago when I first heard about him and his family's story. Now I have no respect for him and I can't imagine his family does either. How disgusting.
Nobody wants to see that sex tape anyway. It is probably all about your hair.

-Angelina and Brad? Nope, don't care either.

-Since my kids were turning 7, we decided this Christmas they can get a video game system. Instead they each got a Nintendo Ds and Wii! Secretly after the kids go to be E and I play super Mario Bros. on the Wii into the night.
Under the cover of darkness we play and play and save our progress to continue the next night. We are addicted and since E is away I miss playing with him.

Back Together, Again

I can't live without E anymore. I have turned in three weeks what took six months to torn into last year. Someone I don't recognize, someone who I do not want to be.
I lash out at my children, the stress of being a single parent to three for days and nights on end are weighing on me. I think of doing for my children as a burden not my job and the boredom of being stuck in the house for days and days is terrible. Even baby K is bored. I am quick tempered and it even scares me.

So, we are taking up an offer to stay at a relative's home in NJ while we save a bit and take some time to find a place to live. It is not ideal for anyone and I will have to home school the kids while we are there, but at least we can be together.
E being away isn't just tough on me, I know the kids take it hard too. The money and the commute of 4+ hours every week each way is too much for E also.

In just a couple of days we will pack up what we need for now and move in with family and reconnect with each other. I will be able to appreciate my job as a mother again.
They deserve that and so do I.

Seven

If you could only know how much I love you both, but how could you ever know?
You will never know the real depths of my love, but I can tell you my truths:

I will fight to the death for you. I will fly to the sky and pluck each star out just to give them to you. I would squeeze and kiss you forever and a day.
I would give up my morning coffee for you. I would slay a dragon and then tell silly jokes while holding his still-beating heart in my hand just to make you laugh.
I will buy a remote island and just lay with you on white sand covered beaches. There would be no death or sickness, just joy and happiness to fill our days. There would be endless ice cream with extra cherries and no whipped cream just for you.
I will buy you ponies. I can build you a castle made from candy and live in it forever for you.
I will give up everything I have, just ask me to.

One day I will no longer be on this Earth to tell you how much I love you. But you must never be sad, because I will always be with you.
All you have to do is listen.
When you are old and grey and it is your turn for your spirit to move on, you must not be frightened because you will know I will be there waiting for you.

Just be still.
Be still and listen very closely.
You will hear "Don't be scared, Mommy is here". Maybe you will think you imagined it, maybe you think it was the wind, but know, it will be me.

Maybe then you will know just how much I love you now and forever and ever.

Happy 7th Birthday R & L.

Steal From The Rich To Give To The Poor

I read a story last week that has fascinated me ever since, but of course now I can't find the story to link to. You will just have to rely on my memory.
A NYC cab driver found about 20k and some jewelry left in his cab. Although he was new to this country and not near comfortable financially, he turned the money & jewelry in and would not even take a reward.
He said he was needy not greedy.

It made me think about what I would do in the same circumstance? I know two years ago what I would have done in a heartbeat.
I know I am a good person, I know I help others and have empathy. Honestly though, because these past two years have been so rough and how we have lost everything and have borrowed A LOT of money from family? I may have just kept it.
I don't want to admit that, but I am being honest.

I am sure the guilt would eat me alive and I would be up nights worrying about my karma and what if it was for someones operation or to feed orphans. Maybe I would rationalize that only wealthy people would carry abound such large amounts of cash, and I needed it more than them.
It would make me so miserable that I didn't do the right thing, and that, would be my karma coming back at me.

I want to know what you would honestly do: Would you keep the money and jewels, keep some of it or return it all?

I can tell you one thing, I sure would have taken the reward!

And Life is Like An Hourglass, Glued To The Table

I have written before about how I have an on again- off again relationship with insomnia. It started after my father died and rears its ugly head whenever I have major stress issues. I could keep it at bay my with friend Ambien but no health insurance for a year? No Ambien.

Two weeks ago I decided to have a glass of wine before bed. I love a nice glass of wine once a week or so, but I don't usually have wine in the house anymore because we haven't had extra money for any extras.
That night I slept soundly! "It was the wine!" I yelled to E, the beautiful nectar of sweet, sweet grapes, how I love thee!

Now every night before bed I have a half of a glass of "night, night" juice and it helps tremendously.
The only problem is, if I depend on wine every night to go to bed, I will need more and more and eventually I will be a alcoholic.
This leads to the age old question: Would I rather be an alcoholic or an insomniac?

I will let you know later when I get home from the liquor store.

*********************
Yesterday was de-lurk day and I missed it because I am taking care of three kids, 2 cats, a house and, you know, drinking my wine.
LOTS of people visit this blog every day but why so few comments?
Leave a comment today and say hi, or ask me a question anything you want to know.
Tell me what your favorite show is or what kind of bra you are wearing.
Just gimme something!

Wordless Wednesday

This has in no way been reanacted, this is how I found the poor baby. It was a sad state of affairs.

Back, Again

When it comes to improvement everyone will tell you to always go forward, never backward. So how come I sit here in the exact same position I was January 2009?
I am here in NH while my husband is away working and trying to find us a place to live.
It is like a terrible groundhog day movie.

It feel like we haven't moved forward at all, but backward in life. Of course I feel lonely here in NH without him, but I really feel bad for my kids. It takes a toll on them with him away so often. Especially baby K whose favorite person in the world is Daddy.
Really, he could care less about me, he wants to be by Daddy every minute of the day, he is who he asks for the minute he wakes up and the person he wants to put him to bed. Daddy hung the Moon and the rest of us are just props in the sky.

This is the time when I get stressed out with regular life trying to be everything to everyone in this house without anyone to complain to at night.
I have been here before, last year I stayed with the kids for 6 months while E was away.
It is hard to stay positive when I know exactly what is coming my way, but hey, at least this time I know what I am up against.

The Bird Lady

My mom is becoming a bird lady.

It started innocently enough, with her 2 cats, who like to look at birds. She has a screened in porch which is the perfect place for her kitties to lick their lips thinking about how great that blue jay is going to taste and planning their great escape.
Except it never happens so they sit on the porch and just imagine what chipmunks and wild birds taste like (chicken!).

To please her fur babies she bought a deluxe bird feeder for the back yard.
Not the wimpy kind I have that is filled with generic seed. Nope, my mom bought the fancy one you see in the air mall catalog.
If that wasn't enough, she now frequents a local wild bird store and purchases high end bird seed!
I actually saw a member card for this store in her wallet last month! She is on the frequent flyer program (ba dum dum)!

It is not bad enough she is wasting all of my inheritance on high priced seeds but now she has added another deluxe feeder plus a hummingbird feeder to her arsenal.
She is so happy feeding the birds in winter!
If my mom died feeding them they would peck the seed right off her body, poop on her bod and then take her hair to make a nice nest.
They don't care.

I hate to remind her that these cats won't be taking care of her either when she is old enough to be taken care of.
When we wheel her in to her low rent, scary nursing home and she looks at me with fear in her eyes and tells me she is scared, I will just pat her hand and whisper in her ear "I know, this place is for the birds".

Change

With all of the turmoil 2008 brought us, last year when we moved to NH I decided to make some changes. It was the perfect time.
I was going to reinvent myself.
If I wanted change in my life, then something had to change in my life.

I got it. I owned it.

I decided to step out of my comfort zone. I decided to do something that made me uncomfortable but one that I thought would make a positive change in my life.
I joined a mommy group
I made new friends
I went to MN alone to visit General Mills at their invite
I jumped off a 24 foot cliff
I cut my hair off


I was proud of myself. I am proud of myself.


Now we are moving again. there is time for me to reinvent myself again. I will try not to interject other people's stories with my related tales.
I will listen more. I will remember my kids are little for so little time, I will consciously enjoy them more.
I will help my husband financially support our family. I will not pass judgement on others.

Not resolutions. No, these are positive changes that I invite into my life. I want change at the same time that I despise it, but it must come.

And come it will.