I Hate Thinking Up Titles

Hmmmm what to do today, what to do? I know, I think I will buy myself a house. 
Today is the day. I am savoring my last minutes of freedom from massive debt.  $256,000 to be exact. That is what our house costs minus the downpayment. That is real debt folks, debt like I have never seen.  It is very real and very scary.  I guess everyone does it right?

Does anyone else think that Gary Goldman from Last Comic Standing is HOT?  Wow, he is really hot.
I would like to be on him.  The other guy is very cute too, John Heffron.

I will be Tivoing (is this a word?) the Amish show tonight.  Can't wait.

I have gotten to the point where I am an addict. My Tylenol PMs are not affecting me like they used to. I may have to move onto harder things like Ambien or ecstasy (hey, if I am going to be up I mind as well be having fun, right?).  If you hear of someone walking the street of Jersey half clothed, in the middle of the night with glow sticks, that would be me. 

Off to sign my life away........wish me luck.

 

What is the reason?

There are a hefty amount of blogs out there written by men who solely devote it to complaining about the lack of sex their wives or girlfriends give them.  What is up with that?
Women, are you not giving it up? 
I understand that the majority of women do not have such a huge sex drive as men do. For instance, E would have sex every night, but I would prefer 2-3 times a week.  I am usually too tired, or worn out or am just not in the mood to do it more often.  Is that the reason for it, that men just want it more often?
Maybe it is because women typically require more work to have an orgasm and usually do not orgasm from penetration and regular 'ol sex?  So if it is more work, we are just too lazy to try. 
Are women using sex as a behavioral tool? Withholding it to change their man's behavior or actions? 
I could go on and on about this subject but I will leave more for a later date.

In any event, lets all try to have sex at least once this weekend.  It would make for many happy blogs on Monday!

 

Last night while I was on the computer I felt what I thought was a small earthquake.  It wasn't.  It was a drunken man who ran into someone's porch and into our building!
Apparently he stumbled out and ran into the woods behind our complex.  the police came very quickly & released a dog to find him, which the dog did because he was cowering 100 yards away under a tree. He was taken away by police screaming "I will sue the car company" "it wasn't my fault". 
Then they opened his car and found 20 beer cans and one bottle of window cleaner that was filled with something other then window cleaner. 
It was a miracle the 7 kids playing outside, feet from where it happened were not hurt.

I think we are moving out just in time.

Stuff

I have reached an all time low. I am extremely excited for the premier of "Amish in the City" tonight. 
I hope it exceeds my expectations. 

E is finally home! I am officially off duty.  Not a moment too soon I may add. I actually locked myself out of my apartment with my babies inside running free. Oh yeah. What a fucking ass I am. Horrible images ran through my head as I ran to find one of the workers to let me back in.  I was only out for about 15 minutes max, but I was freaking. I mean who does that?! 
The only positive thing I can say about the situation was that I was fully dressed, a huge accomplishment for me the past 3 days. 

yesterday I was retrieving a package out side my door when I realized I was giving my new neighbor and his small daughter a free show. I was wearing a very low and loose cut VS nightshirt.  No bra. You get the picture. 
Nothing says "welcome" like breasts.

We are closing on our house in two days!  Helloooooo stress.

Is anyone watchign BB5? I really tried not to but I did catch last nights episode. One of the "leaders"  a real muscle head said he didn't know what the word "confide" means. I died. What losers they pick for that show!

I hope you guys are all watching Amish in the city tonight, so we can discuss tomorrow. 

Pulling my Hair Out

I am humbled by this experience. E is away on business and I am left to fend for myself with 2 18 month olds, a dog and 2 cats in this half furnished apartment which is riddled with boxes, tape and other moving accessories.
I had a small breakdown today. I cried when I was asked the 893 "what's dat" at 11am. I cried when they had a small fight.   I can't do it all and I feel like a bad mother because of it. 

I give so much credit to single mothers. I really can't fathom waking up every day & knowing you have to do it all.  Mothers like the Drama Queen who was a single mother ( to twins mind you) while waiting for her husband to come home from Iraq.  I would have withered away and died after 2 weeks.  But she did it,well I might add, and countless other mothers do it every day.  My hat is off to them.

Now I am off to feed my children, and try to get them to go to sleep so I can get some myself. 

 

 

Desperado

Men, do you think you have hit rock bottom?
You have not unless you have been here: http://www.imaginarygirlfriends.com


 

Boys Gone Wild

I hear there is now a Boys Gone Wild tape for sale.  What the makers obviously don't understand is that this tape won't sell.  Woman can see a guys penis whenever they want.  Women don't really care to see random guy's privates either.  I could run outside now & see some if I wanted to.

that's why I don't get male strip clubs either.  Seeing some over pumped, dumb, guido guy with his junk in a thong, grinding his gross, sweaty body on me is not my idea of a good time.  The women I see in these clubs that are really into it, are older and maybe a little desperate. 
 I usually have to feed them singles to go away, once you pay them they leave you alone for a minute or two.  And FYI, male strippers, if I wanted a kiss I will ask for one, please do not pour your sweaty face onto mine and think you are rocking my world. 

Now as for men, I can understand why they would buy a girls gone wild or go to a strip club, women's bodies are beautiful, men's................Not so much.
Not that I don't love men, and their bodies, I really do, but paying to see it?  Not for me.

Maybe this tape is marketed for the gay man.  In any event, not the best idea.

 

 

PISSED

My computer has been on suicide watch for some time now, but now I am pushed over the edge.  Now my fucking speakers don't work. I have no idea why, the volume is so freakin low no matter how high you put the volume on.  I finally found this song (Winter, Josh Radin*) I have been obsessing about and I wanted to hear it again, and now I can't.  E is away with his computer so I am S.O.L.
I didn't want to buy a computer now because I am poverty stricken and a computer is the last purchase I need to make right now. 
If this piece of shit give me one more "you have too many windows open, please close some windows before you proceed" message again when I don't have more then 1 window open, I am going to drop kick this fucker right off my deck.
FUCK YOU COMPAQ.

Great song. Very moving. Here are the lyrics:

I should know who I am by now,
I walk the record stand somehow,
Thinkin’ of winter
Your name is the splinter inside me
While I wait
And I remember the sound
Of your November downtown,
And I remember the truth,
A warm December with you,
But I don’t have to make this mistake,
And I don’t have to stay this way
If only I would wake...
The walk has all been cleared by now
Your voice is all I hear somehow
Calling out winter
Your voice is the splinter inside me
While I wait
And I remember the sound
Of your November downtown,
And I remember the truth,
A warm December with you,
But I don’t have to make this mistake,
And I don’t have to stay this way
If only I would wake...
I could have lost myself
In rough blue waters in your eyes,
And I miss you still
Oh! I remember the sound
Of your November downtown,
And I remember the truth,
A warm December with you,
But I don’t have to make this mistake,
And I don’t have to stay this way
If only I would wake...

8 years

I went on my first date with E eight years ago today.  We went, along with some co-workers, to Great Adventure.  The day involved rides, ice cream, fun, massive headaches after too many roller coasters and a half shirt worn by E. 
It was a great day & the roller coasters are a great metaphor for a relationship with its ups and downs, laughing and being scared.  Who knew that 8 years later we would be married, own a home, have beautiful, healthy children and still love each other as much as we did in the beginning. 

Happy Happy Joy Joy

Today I am happy because I ordered the most comfortable sandals in the world. They are Victorias Secret terry cloth sandals, which are like walking on a cloud. I ordered two pairs.  Bonus= they were only $7! 
Love it.
Ladies, please hook yourself up, you will not be sorry.

On a sidebar I ordered bedroom furniture and a kitchen table for our house. I can finally say goodbye to my bedroom furniture which I have had since I was 13. I think it was about time.

A Funny

Baby A loves cars and trucks. We taught him to say car a few months ago, but he would refer to trucks as cars also.  About 2 weeks ago he started saying truck.  Very good, right? well now he has merged the two words and every time he sees a truck he yells "cock"
Fairly amusing for the first day or so.
Not so funny in fancy restaurants.

Nothing

I have nothing for you today.
My head is too clogged with a million "to do" things. Have I mentioned I am closing on my house in ONE week and I still have a million things to get done beforehand?
So, if you have any topic you want to to write about today, or any advice you may need, let me know. If not, I will be back when I can figure out what to write about. 

 

Thanks, Mom

When I was in middle school I would take the bus to school.  The bus stop was just up the street from my house, on a tiny dead end. Until this point, I was always walked to the bus stop, by my mother & we would wait for the bus together. Now that I was of age I was allowed to walk there by myself.
One particularity snowy, wintry morning I was walking up to the stop and I had slipped on the ice & fell on my ass. I was so thankful that nobody was at the stop at the time to see my fall and my walk of shame the rest of the 25 feet until I reached the stop. 
years later my mother told me she always watched my walk to the bus from my bedroom window and witnessed this ass whooping I received from father winter. She told me she laughed so hard, she felt bad for me but knowing I wasn't hurt, she laughed and laughed.
Maybe this is why I am a freak.

Blech

I am exhausted again today.  I am going to start my Tylenol pm habit again tonight.  I heart Tylenol pm.
My sister got married yesterday. She wanted something small and quiet so we went to the courthouse.  I have never been to a court house wedding and it was interesting, short, exciting, strangers clapping for you.  After we took them out to dinner and all the kids were great. That's really all you can ask when you go out to a nice restaurant with kids.

I still have SO much packing to do, we are closing on our house in 8 days and, suprisingly, we are way behind. Plus I just found out E has to go on a business trip next M-W, which is great timing.

Baby B had roseola the other day. She had a very alarming high fever (102) and when I called the doctors office I was told just to make sure she has no other symptoms (she didn't) and keep her hydrated. I asked at what point should I be concerned about her temperature, and I was told 105.
What?!! If her temp went up one more tenth of a point I was taking her to the emergency room. 105, are you crazy?
She is much better now though, and we are now praying Baby A doesn't get it.

Dear Women,

Please stop making babies for Michael Jackson.
I beg of you.

10 Things About Me

Instead of having 100 things about me, I decided to do 10.
 

1. I have blue eyes
2. I could eat pasta every day
3. I have 2 tattoos
4. I love my scar on my right foot and my freckle on my butt
5. I want to have more children, at least 1 more
6. I miss my Dad more then I ever thought possible, but I since I was a little girl I always knew he would die young
7. My favorite drink is a flirtini
8. I hate going to movie theaters
9. A comrade and I once put pads of butter under one of our coworkers car seats so it would rot & smell as bad as he did
10. I love making lists

Very Amusing Names

This is a list of very amusing names of real life people I have met and/or worked with:
 
Connie Leg
Joan Foot  (no relation)
Carl Hussy
Dick Catheter *
George Melondick
Joanne Cuntz (insisted it was pronounced coonz.......sure)
Tony Rotunda (very large man)
 
 
* My all time favorite

 

Men Rule the World

Men rule the world. How do I know this? 
Bra prices, my friends.
If men wore bras they wouldn't be $34.99 a pop. 

Things that have occurred to me

Some things that have occurred to me this weekend:

Furniture salesmen are sharks. I am not sure if they are worse then car salesmen though.

Why is it that places like Applebees and Houlihans give you the box to pack your leftover food instead of doing it themselves? Next thing you know you will have to cook your food too.

Wearing a 2 piece bathing suit is not the best choice for going into the ocean in large waves. So what if your 10 year old cousin got a couple of peeks of your breasts, he will have to have his first look sometime, better it be amongst family.

The hair under my right arm grows faster then my left. Strange.

Moving is not fun.

I have officially found the strangest thing a homeless person could sell car to car in traffic.
Mashed Potatoes.
Seriously.
I swear.
Who the fuck would buy that?

My friend who is seriously pissing me off wants a stripper for her bachlorette party. I may order an old man stripper for spite. Or a grandma. Or a midget.

There is nothing better then an outside shower. Love it.

Fashion Don'ts

Have I been away too long? Have things come into fashion while I have been away laying on beaches and soaking up the sun? I think not.
Who are these two freaks on Big Brother that cut up their T-shirts and wear them on their heads? They found not one, but two of them to live in this house? They have to stop it because that went out with Gerardo. (you know the Rico Suave guy)

Ashlee Simpson is rocking the female mullet and it has to be stopped.

Did anyone see the Anna Nicole impersonator on MTV true life last night? I didn't think she looked like her at all. Is there really a demand for an Anna Nicole impersonator?

Why does Julie Chen have the body of an ant?

Next thing you know having too many teeth is going to be cool.

Open letter to poorly run pharmaceutical company

Dear Corporate Mother Fuckers,

Thanks, for telling us, two weeks before we close on our first house, that there will be massive layoffs because of your shitty drugs that are causing problems for some fuckers in Europe. Thanks for easing everyone's mind by telling them they won't know whom or when for 4-12 weeks but please be loyal to your company. Fuck you. People have families, bills, mortgages and other responsibilities they can't and won't wait around until you losers, who can't come out with any new drugs until 2006, decide who still has a job.

BTW, we all know you and all the "Big 10" pharmaceutical companies buy prescriptions from doctors. That is until the federal government found out and gave you all a slap on the wrist. And doctors, we all know you prescribe the drug that benefits you most, monetarily, not the one that is best for the patient. Money hungry cocksuckers.

Now, E has worked for your company for 4 years & 4 months, he is 8 months from being fully vested with your crappy company. He will not go anywhere until then. He now will be scared, angry and a nervous wreck until you get off your asses and decide who can stay & sell your awful drugs.

For spite I will be asking all my doctors to prescribe your competitors drugs whether I need them or not.

I hate you and by association, I hate Lance Armstrong*.

With Malice and Bad Intent,
Tuesday Girl


* What the hell is with this guy? He faces death, lives and then leaves his wife & kids for Sheryl Crow? What a dick.

Question

What secret urge do you get but never act on?

Teeth

Have you ever noticed that some people seem to have like 18 more teeth in their mouth then the average person? This is so distracting to me. I noticed Lacey Chabert and Jennifer Love Hewitt have it. I can't even concentrate on their horrible acting, I am staring at their mouths.
I guess having too many teeth is better then having too little.

I have to go to the dentist, I have cavities. I have only had 1 in my entire life and now I am riddled with them. I think the babies drained me of calcium during their incubation.
My old dentist was caught touching people while they were under sedation. What a freak! My mom still goes to him because "he is nice, I feel bad for him." Oh great Mom, people can be molesters and cheaters and liars but if they are nice they are good people to you! My Mom is too church lady sometimes. My grandmother still goes to this dentist as well. She claims a little feel here & there would be the most excitement she has had in years. This lady cracks me up.

My new dentist is a born again Christian. She only plays horrible Christian music and the videos for the kids are of Moses and other holy tales. Very strange.
Plus they make me pay before I get my work done & then they bill my insurance company. I told them I have insurance so I don't have to pay.
Under sedation they probably whisper in your ear that your teeth are rotting because you don't have the lord in your life.

Hotels

Who can sleep soundly in a hotel? Not me my friends. All I can think about all night is all of those dateline and 20/20 reports about hotel cleanliness. All of the blacklight footage of semen & urine stains were running through my head. I didn't want the babies touching a n y t h i n g.
So gross. It wasn't a shitty $39.99 motel either it was an average $120 a night hotel.
I hate you Comfort Inn!

I went into a pet store today & I held a puppy. I wanted her so badly! She was a teeny tiny miniature pincher and I wanted to just kiss her to death. I can't buy a dog though, we are huge believers that there are too many lovely pets out there on death row ready for a good home. We already have a dog and 2 cats (all rescued) and what am I Dr. Doolittle?!? I wanted her though, I was smitten.

Back

I am back from NH. It was a long trip but the babies were great and that is all that really matters. We are leaving for the beach for 3 days on Wednesday. Sure, I sit around my house with nothing to do for months and finally when I have a million things to do we are off on vacations.
Way to prioritize!

In NH I encountered a few people that had a strong New England accent, but most of them sounded just like me. I thought. E asked one of his Aunts if she thought I had a NY accent and before he could even finish his sentence she said "YES!" I guess I have more of an accent then I thought.

I didn't use the porta potty at the party on Saturday, in case anyone was wondering. I held strong.

E was sad we didn't have time to stop and get pink red Socks hats for me and Baby B. He is a HUGE R.S. fan. I alerted him that I can purchase such a thing on the internet. Silly E.

We ate at IHOP on the way home, and I haven't been there in at least 10 years. The food was good but about 15 minutes later you realize why you haven't eaten there in 10 years, you feel sick.

I haven't gotten my period yet this month. I am about 5 days late. I am not a regular person though so I am not very worried.
Until I am craving spinach and start crying because E brought home pizza without asking me, I will be in complete denial.

Off.........

I am off to go have some all Caucasian fun in New Hampshire. It is weird to visit a state that has no diversity.
We are going to be in attendance for a party that will include porta pottys, which I have no intention of using. I am sure I will have lots to post of that subject.

As a point of interest the first time I visited NH, I ruined 2 records that I carried my entire life: never using a porta potty and never using a gas station bathroom.
The reason I ruined these records is because I had food poisoning from a Burger King cheeseburger in Maine.
Fuck you Burger King!
Now all I am left with is never using an airplane bathroom.
Sad.

WTF?

So now Verizon has a limit to haw many 411 calls you can make? Why? They give you a max of 4 a month & after that it is .99. Bastards! Evil bastards.
Is anything free anymore? Is anything "included" without some hidden fee?
Fuck you Verizon, as soon as you set up my line in my new house, I am switching to IDT. So shove that up James Earl Jones fat ass. I hate his ugly mug on my TV for the commercials. And you are not fooling anyone, I know that man can't dance.
I am going to have to get DirectTV again. I enjoy my 294 channels but their customer service is horrible. The reps are absolutely the worst I have ever come across. Cable & satellite are all the same with their exorbitant fees and shitty hidden costs. Lets just say I better get my TV no matter what the weather is like short of a tornado, and if I don't I will be shoving the pole connecting their faulty equipment up someone's ass.
Maybe James Earl Jones.

Words I Enjoy

Avid
Love
Vas deference
Edification
Nipple
Panties

My Most Hated Words

Slacks
Trousers
Gal
Pussy
Cunt
Dungarees
Supper
Zesty

Today

Today Baby A & Baby B had a photo shoot for Parents magazine. So, I hauled my cookies into NYC. It was for the Halloween issue and they didn't do well. They hated their costumes. They were hot long sleeved king and queen costumes and then they wanted them to wear hats and have a velvet blanket on their legs. They were not having it. Hey,turn on the AC full blast if you want my kids to wear all of that! We will see if they got any shots for the magazine.
There was another set of B/G twins there for the same costume. They weren't that happy either. The mother was a typical set mom though. She was at me with a million questions as soon as she walked in. How old are they? Are they for the same shoot? How long have they been in the biz? Who is representing us? I hate that BS. I did modeling and I was even in a Oreo cookie commercial (gasp) when I was a teenager. But I hated the fakeness of everyone.
When I told this woman that we didn't have an agent and that we were here for a one time thing and if they wanted to do it when they were older for college money I would let them, she got a nasty smirk on her face. Like my kids aren't good enough for representation. Please.
Anyhow my kids blew her kids out of the water. Not that it is a competition, but that is really how these mothers make it.
So, if the babies make it into the mag I will alert you.

What I did on my 4th of July Vacation

I packed boxes! Yay me! There is officially 7 nice sized boxes packed right now. Not bad. We also bought a pedestal sink, hardware for the sink, marble flooring and paint supplies for the new house. We decided on carpets, bedroom set and kitchen tables but didn't buy them yet. Also purchased were a variety of plants and flowers for the yard. I also bought some T shirts for myself and clothes for the babies. Not a bad weekend huh? I got some stuff done & at least I feel like I have accomplished something.
Now I have to find someone to put down the carpet & wood flooring at a reasonable price. Easier said then done.

On Thursday under the cover of darkness, we are heading up to New Hampshire for a family reunion of sorts. E's family is from NH and they usually have some sort of reunion every 2 years. It is poor timing but we have to go. Believe me I tried to get out of it.

Just what I need

My computer has started making a noise like an airplane taking off. I am assuming this is not a good thing. The last thing I need now is to buy a new computer. I don't have time to research them, to seek out the good deals or stand on the street begging for money so I can buy a new one.
I also have pink mini ipod envy. I need it. I want it. I have to have it. Too bad it is on the end of my list of what I have to buy. It is after food, clothing & shelter but, surprisingly, before the rabbit vibrator that has received many raves.
Have I mentioned I am buying a house in 4 weeks? No, I haven't started packing yet.

My List

So H wrote a post on her blog (If I could link it I would, I am a computer loser what do you want?) it is over there ----> (notsodirtylaundry) and it was as if she was reading my mind because I was just thinking about my list recently. So I thought I would rip her off and make a list of my own:
Guys:
LL Cool J- just the way he licks his lips drives me crazy
Antonio Sabado Jr.
Ricky Martin- Post Menudo, obviously.
Pat Riley- in that older man sort of way
Colin Farrell
Eddie Vedder
Johnny Depp
Girls:
Diane Lane
Beyonce
Gwen Stefani
And maybe H- because it seems we have the same taste

Don't Do It

I am glad I didn't settle. My husband is great and I am glad I didn't think that I needed to date or sleep with more people before we decided to get serious. I was young when we met- 21, and I was 22 when I finally gave in and started dating him. Three weeks later I told my mother that I knew I was going to marry him some day and I did, 4 years later.
Believe me I had my share of scary guys. There was the guy who swore he was Ace Ventura, the one that made me love him but he was still in love with his first love and the creepy, needy guy that couldn't let me pee alone.
I once broke up with a guy because of his hands. I knew I could never marry those hands. So I broke up with him, because why prolong the inevitable? Plus the second time I ever saw him he showed up at my house with heart balloons and an I LOVE YOU shirt wearing teddy bear. Whoa there cowboy, we just met, back that I LOVE YOU shit right up. Maybe that flies in Staten Island on a second date but not NJ sir.
Weird.

I needed to marry someone who will buy me a "I'm Rick James, Bitch" Tshirt (which I got yesterday, thankyouverymuch) someone who loves to laugh in bed, who puts up with me watching 90210 on Saturday & Sunday mornings for 8 years. Someone who would remember I love Tuna on a plain bagel, who talks about boring pharmaceuticals so I can fall asleep sometimes and someone who puts up with all my shit.
Really I was just looking for someone with hands I could marry.