I'm Rick James, Bitch

You got to love Dave Chapelle.
I need a "I'm Rick James Bitch" T-shirt.

I have to actually buy boxes for our move. Who buys boxes? Everyone has boxes, they appear with random shit in them at your door, you find them on the street, why am I paying for boxes? Not only that but I am paying for the shipping of boxes. I went to a store here & asked if they had any extra boxes I could have before they crushed them. They guy was giving me a blank stare & then said " I don't think we are allowed to give those out." Why the fuck not? Is the safe code in the boxes? I explained to him I was a manager at said store and we always gave customers boxes when they wanted, but he was giving me the blank stare again. I walked away.

I have had to walk away from many people in my day. Like my friend's boyfriend who asked for his $2.50 change back from the $200 dinner we just had when he barely paid for his dinner and didn't include tip or tax when he managed to loosen the death grip he had on his $20. I had to walk away from people when I was pregnant and my poor body couldn't deal with the musky perfume/coffee breath/BO every damn day. I also had to walk away from the guy in my office, whom I lovingly referred to as Fatty McButter pants, when he put his hand down his pants whilst in a conversation with me. (It was an often occurrence) Unacceptable man.

Videos

I hear that the Paris sex tape is now out in stores. It is about a young girl trying to make it in the big city starring Paris Hilton and Rick Soloman's penis. I did see a portion of it on the internet, but I would never watch it with Rick's commentary. Who cares about him?
Now there is a new sex video with Jenna, the annoying chick from Survivor. Who cares about her having sex? She is quoted as being "very concerned" about the video being out on the internet, but relax chicky nobody wants to see it.
I have never taped myself, nor will I in the future, because I would never want that to happen to me. Like I need a teacher having seen it & me having to go to back to school night. Like I need another reason for strange men to ogle my cleavage.

That brings me to another topic. I have been reading a ton of blogs lately and there seems to be a large portion of men talking about how they masturbate in the shower. Is this something new or has this been going on all along? If it has I need to get better bathroom cleaner. Like I need to soak in your fluids while I am trying to clean myself.
Maybe it is just married men who feel the need to scamper off to please themselves, so their wives don't feel like they are neglecting their man's needs. We all have needs but please, just remember to clean up after yourself dammit!

Questions Answered

I got a bunch of questions and here is my first "getting to know your writer" answers.

Lets start off with something good:

-Do I own a vibrator? Why yes, I do. It is pretty and purple and gel like and I purchased it about 2 years ago when my friends and I went to a local sex shop. We wandered around with our mouths open taking it all in, like the typical good suburban WASPs we are in awe of a life we never knew existed. Well we knew, we just weren't a part of it. Now we are.
wink wink.

-What is my biggest regret in life? Stuff that I didn't get to tell my Dad before he died. That truly sucks.

-What is my favorite Ice Cream? Coffee. I am a tea drinker but I prefer coffee and it has been my favorite ice cream flavor since I was 9.

-What is my sign? I am an Aries. Does that explain a lot?

-How is your sex life after having kids? It is great, the same as before, we just have to plan it more as opposed to being spontaneous. While I was pregnant though, I was so horny! I had never seen anything like it. Unfortunately my doctor told us at 22 weeks no more sex and no orgasms.
What the hell was I going to do with a libido that was working overtime, an adorable husband and some time on my hands? Combine that with the 6 weeks after having the babies and we didn't have sex for a little over 6 months.
It was bad. Bad.

About Me

I don't have an "About Me" section that I love in other people's blogs. That is far too advanced for me at this moment. I thought I would answer questions from people who read my blog in a post. So, go head ask me anything and I will answer. I am a pretty open person nobody I know reads his blog (or do they?)so let it rip. Feel free to leave a question in a comment or email.

I leap into 2002

I finally had time to figure out my links. See it there
------> ? I did that. I still have more links to add, but it was a great accomplishment for a Friday afternoon.
I have a friggin Bridal Shower to go to tomorrow, and I am positive I will have lots to post on that. I hate the obligatory mingling. I hate the polite oohs and ahhs over stupid towels. Men have it easy. You hear that men? I said you have it easy all you ha to do is go out with a bunch of friends, get drunk, hit some nudie bars (Satin Dolls is the official strip club of this here blog) hit on some chicks, maybe get the bachelor some sex and roll home. I'd say a typical Saturday night.

Mother In Law

My Mother-in-law is not such a bad person. She is nice and her heart is in the right place. It is hard to understand someone else's mother, you are just not used to some of the things she would say or do, how they celebrate holidays differently, how she would show affection to her children and grandchildren. It is just hard to assimilate into a family. At least in my case and I really do like her.
That being said, my In Laws are raging homophobics. I guess they are a product of their age and are uncomfortable about anything that they don't deem "normal". Now, they are from New Hampshire. Have you been to NH lately? Not much cultural diversity to say the least. But this insensitivity to an entire group of people that have no affect on my In laws lives at all, is just mind blowing to me.
First the insist on calling Ellen Degeneres "Helen Degenerate" which is part ignorance and part assholeness.
Secondly they are pissed that "they" (lesbians) have moved into their retirement village. Apparently the few that they have seen have filled their stereotypical ideas of what a lesbian looks like. Short hair, never wears a dress or skirts, wears Teva sandals (Please God ban them from the face of the Earth, they are just the most horrible shoes I could ever imagine. I had shutters just typing the word).
When I hear this shit, I want them to sit on my lap and read them a nice storybook about how gay people are just like everyone else, they come in different shapes and sizes, colors and religions. All the while patting them on the head and telling them that the world is a rainbow and peoples individuality makes the world go 'round.
BECAUSE THEY ARE ACTING LIKE 4 year old BRATS.
::Sigh:: Needless to say my MIL has a short haircut, never wears makeup, wears Tevas (shutter) and never wears a skirt or dresses.
The irony is killing me.

Things I Hate

Paige Davis- There is just something about her I didn't like from the moment I saw her. Maybe she is too cheerful for me or maybe she is just too Broadway. I just hate her and her gay (David Gest gay) husband. Alex Mcloud, where are yooouuuu?

Moving- Did I mention we are moving in 5 weeks and I have not packed one box yet? Plus I see all the money that is flying out of my pocket and I am sickened. That is perfectly good manicure and pedicure money!

The Man with One Working Arm that is the bagger at my grocery store. Really you made the guy with one good working arm a bagger? Why? Isn't there a better suited position for him within your company? Plus not only did it take him 10 minutes longer then if I was doing it myself, but he was staring at my cleavage the entire time. Now I have great cleavage, so you can't blame the guy but take one nice look and move on, man.

The DMV and their 41 points of ID you need to renew your drivers license. Um, I have my old picture drivers license, that should be enough considering I gave you 41 points of ID to GET THIS ONE! Now I have to dig out birth certificates, passports and other assorted shit for a renewal. It is just not right.

Where We Live- I miss my hometown and my friends and all of my family. Right now we live about 1.5 hours away. I miss NYC. I grew up 25 minutes outside of NYC and you really get used to having anything you want at your fingertips. Did I mention my hometown has 3 Macy's? Philly just isn't the same and cheese steaks are overrated anyway.

I am Tired

So I don't know what to think of this Bill Clinton book. I don't think I will go out an buy it but maybe I will try t find the library in this town and borrow it. Really what is in the book that we all don't already know?
I am dying to see this Fahrenheit 9/11 movie. The trailer was very intriguing. That is if I want to see it alone or try to find a babysitter so I can see it with E. I have never been to the movies alone. I know a lot of see movies alone & probably like the time to themselves, but I always feel sad when I see people alone in a movie theater.

I am so tired today. Baby A hasn't wanted to sleep at night lately so, in turn, we don't sleep either. He screamed last night for about 2 hours while E tried to rock him back to a deep slumber. Just what we don't want at 2am. Hopefully this is just a phase and we will all be back to our regular sleeping habits very soon. Now I have to try to go watch some stuff on TIVO so it will have room to tape stuff tonight that I will not be able to stay up for. I wasn't even able to stay up for the entire Nip/Tuck last night. I have to find out when it is repeating so I can watch that. It is a quality program.
What other shows are TIVO worthy this summer?

Dear Women Everywhere

Dear Women Everywhere,
We have a crisis on our hands. We are hurting our entire society with our sons. These sons grow up to rape, murder, start wars, rob, kidnap, fight, beat their wives, molest and run this world into total chaos.
I have been wondering why this is. The crime 50 years ago wasn't nearly as high. It was a time where Mothers could let their children ride a bike to a friends house, or have sleepovers with the boy scouts or never question the single mans intentions of being the little league coach. What the hell have we done to these boys to make them horrible human beings?
Maybe it is because of so many two income families, where in this day and age so many people need both parents to work in order to keep up with the cost of living. Mothers aren't home as much as their children, therefore not having enough supervision. Perhaps it is because of TV, movies and video games, they are very sexually explicit and violent and if parents aren't supervising what they watch then they could over indulge. Could it be that there is more poverty now and that growing up in a lower income development riddled with crime and sadness just makes boys fulfill this vicious cycle? Is it because so many boys grow up without a father or any positive male role model? Could I be raising a murderer or rapist?
I will vow to you now, women of the world, that I am taking an active role in my children's lives and I will stop at nothing to try to raise them, along with my husband, to be good and emotionally healthy human beings.
What can we do to fix this problem? The only thing we can do is raise our children a little better, be pro-active in their upbringing, be sure to raise them with positive male role models, teach them morals and the value of self worth, be aware what they are doing with their time, and show them they are loved every day. It is a small step. I fear for the world. I fear for my children's safety.
What is the answer? What can we do as parents, as grandparents, as neighbors or just as human beings?

****Addition*****
I also wanted to address something else, Women, do not choose a man over your children. EVER. Do not turn a blind eye as he is beating them, do not ignore warning signs of abuse and if your child tells you he or she is being molested LEAVE. Right then and there leave and never look back. There is no fixing it, no trust you could ever have for such a vile human being. I am sick of hearing news stories of mothers putting their children in harms way.
Just don't ever put anyone else's needs in front of your children and you should be alright.

New Things

While I was in Florida my sweet husband bought me an Orange Julius drink. I have heard of this drink many times, but never came across one. Well, it is delicious, it tastes like a creamsicle. Yum.
I also tried Jamba Juice. I LOVED it. I wish there was one by me because I would be protein-shaking-it all day long. That is right a l l d a y l o n g.
On tuesday night we had take out from Baja Fresh. I heard about this restaurant from my friends in Cali who claim that many a star is sighted there on every day of the week. I found out that they have a chain in Philly and that is where E works. Well he will be picking up some Mexican something fierce now that I am armed with this knowledge.
We also picked up a delicious key lime pie while we were in the Keys visiting my sister-in-law and swimming with dolphins. Those are the best.

Did you notice all the "new things" I tried during this 8 day period were all foods? Curves here I come!

USA 3000 is spawned from the devil

Did someone just wake up one day and say "Hey, I wanna start my own airline and by gosh I am gonna do it today and I will call it USA 3000"? I hope that's all the thought that went into it because it did not look or run like any more thought then that was used.
Why God, Why can't anyone who works for this airline comprehend the notion that we are two adults flying and 2 infants, one of whom has a seat & the other is a lap child? We have flown before and this concept has not been over people's heads. After explaining it twice we finally just handed them the e-tickets/confirmations they sent after the tickets were purchased. Well, that mind-as-well have been hieroglyphics to them. HEY ASS, IT IS YOUR CONFIRMATION FROM YOUR COMPANY, THE ONES YOU LOOK AT ALL DAY. WHY DON'T YOU KNOW HOW TO READ IT AND UNDERSTAND IT FULLY? We buy 3 tickets so we can all sit together in one row and one baby can be in a car seat and one can trade off in our laps. It happens all the time on flights. I just wanted to jump on the counter grab the guy by the collar and scream in his face about how absolutely stupid he is, all the time spitting in his eyes.
A light bulb finally went off in the mothball's head and we were given our boarding passes, although we had to explain to about 6 other people our seating arrangementby the time we were seated on the plane.
Let me ask you this, because I am painfully aware some of the people reading this are guilty of the same. WHY as soon as we take off do you need to go to the bathroom? Wasn't that you sitting in the terminal waiting for 45 minutes to board this plane? Did you not have the time to go before you boarded? Did the first 3 minutes of this flight send your bladder into spasms? Do you just like being squeezed into a broom closet size space with a million germs? SIT BACK DOWN & HOLD IT IN LIKE A NORMAL PERSON. I hate the friggin dork parade of passengers shimming down the tight-rope-like aisle only to hold up the drink portion of our flight. I am dying of thirst, for the love of god stay seated!
It is not like this is a long flight, we are talking a little over 2 hours here people. In that 2 hours I had seen at least 20 people do the walk of shame. It bothers me to no end.

The moral of this rant is: do not use USA 3000 if you like knowledgeable people running & flying the giant metal cylander you are in through space and time and if you like having more then 2 inches of leg room.

Thank God I am Home

We made it home in one piece with no help from USA 3000 airlines, whom I will rant about later.
We had a great trip, wonderful weather and I fulfilled a life long dream of swimming with dolphins. Very cool. I even remembered to watch Last Comic Standing.
The babies were in their glory and had a wonderful time. We did have to spend time with my in-laws while we were in Florida (which should change their "motto" from the "Sunshine State" to "The place where most of the Tri-State area comes to die") and that almost killed me. I think they get more annoying each time we see them. Actually I know they get more annoying. Even E has had it with them. I am sure a rant will follow shortly about them and how I may one day shove a sharp stick through my ear drums in order to silence them forever.

There are a ton of ignorant people we encountered on our trip to the great Sunshine State. Florida is riddled with them, perhaps even more so then NJ. Nah.

I did miss my blog and I have lots to post but it will have to wait. I am too tired and I have an extraordinary amount of unpacking to do.
H E L P

I am Off

Well kids I am off for a long awaited, well needed vacation. I won't be posting for awhile but I will leave you with this thought.
If there is new and improved Windex why are you selling the regular plain old windex? There are two of them on the shelf. Who is going to pick up the old windex when there is apparently a better one? Very strange.

Procrastinator

Well I am about 60% done. Still not good enough. Instead of actually getting off my ass I lay in bed debating which movie to watch on the flight tomorrow (100 first dates or Starsky & Hutch) watching the MTV movie awards.
Who is this Lindsay Lohan and where did she come from? She is all over her place. I don't care if her boobs are real or if her father assaulted her uncle. Does Anyone? She seems a trifle annoying. Judging from the opening she shouldn't fancy herself a dancer either. I can take her.
Shit, is that a real man underneath the podium? It is scaring the crap out of me. Maybe it is a robot. Who is noticing that?! E is not home & I am genuinely freaked out by that little person dressed like a troll. AAAHHHH!


I hope I will remember to watch Last Comic Standing while I am away. How friggin funny is Jim Norton?! I also have a love/hate thing with Jay Mohr, but he does really crack me up. Great show.


Seriously though, that troll is giving me the evil eye and I am not happy. Not happy at all.

Holiday

If British people use the word Holiday to mean vacation, then how would you decipher a holiday from a vacation? I am interested to find out.
Well, I am getting ready for our vacation tomorrow. I have about 25% packed. That is not a good statistic. I have to clear my TIVO of all shows in order to have enough recording room from the next 7 days of programming I am too embarrassed about watching in front of family & friends. Then I have to record all of my shows.
How can reruns of Sex and the City be on TBS? Is the show only going to be 15 minutes long, because I can't think of more then 15 minutes of this show being on regular cable TV. You will never see Samantha.
I am too tired to pack and get a family of 4 ready. Have I also mentioned that in 6 weeks we are moving into our first house and I have not ONE box packed? I can't think about that now or I will sink into a depression that will make the Grand Canyon look like a mole hole.
Off to make a list and check it twice.........

Sopranos

I miss the show already! It is my all time favorite and I have been watching since day one. I was think about how they are going to torture us for another 15 months until we can get our weekly fix.
I have been in Bada Bing strip club many times. All before it was the "Bada Bing" in the Sopranos. Its real name is Satin Dolls and that really is the club interior. Also one of the dancers there is a dancer in the show, the others are "actresses". The girls don't even have a dressing room there, they just use the women's room, since there are not that many women patrons. The last time we were there (me & 3 friends) we went to use the facilities and there were clothes, G strings, makeup and MONEY everywhere! Wads and wads of singles just strewn about the room. (Apparently being a stripper in NJ is more lucrative then I had thought! Now where is my rhinstone G-String..........)
As we were finishing up a stripper came in & proceeded to talk to as she changed. All the while I am thinking "this chick is nude and talking to me and it doesn't seem to bother her in the least." But I guess, she is a stripper. Nudity is the least of her worries. She should be worrying about me stealing fistfuls of singles.
Anywhoo, it is a nice place as far as strip clubs go, and it is always packed.
Mr. Chase if you are reading this can you get your hiney in gear and start writing some shit so we don't have to wait until 2007 to watch your nice show? Thanks!

My Hatred for Zyrtec

The pollen and crap in the air here in Jersey is so bad this year that my beloved Clarinex is defenseless against it. I had a sample of Zyrtec and decided to give it a try. I hate you Zyrtec! I have been up all night!!! No sleep. None, zip. It is currently 5:13 and I can feel the bags under my eyes but I can't sleep. I thought this shit was supposed to make you tired. That is what claritan, clarinex and allegra do. That is what the zyrtec thingy says is a side effect.
I am lying in bed trying too think of boring things to help me fall asleep, then I re-adjust the pillows a billion times (pausing to contemplate smothering myself with them), toss & turn, turn on the TV, turn off the TV and then I get mad. I get myself so mad that I am almost in tears. I know how I will feel in the morning, I know what a zombie I will be all day, I remember that E has a 4pm meeting today and won't be home until late, so the twins & I are fending for ourselves.
I hate that I get mad at myself for not being able to fall asleep but it happens every time. I usually wake E up to tell him I can't sleep and that I am mad. He usually mutters something & falls right back into his dream filled slumber. Bastard.
Well I guess I will go back to bed & try again. I will usually falls into a nice deep sleep around 6:30 only to be jarred out of my sleep by infants who, from the time they were born, don't care if you ever sleep again.

I have not specific to post about so I guess I will just ramble.
We are going to Florida this week and I am nervous about flying again with the babies. Now they are mobile and I fear they will want to run around the plane instead of be good babies & sleep. I am sure they will be fine. I have to believe that. I am ready to just be there already. We are going to swim with the dolphins while we are there which has been a HUGE dream for me my entire life. The place is in one of the Keys and my sister in law works there. I think it will be so much fun. Perhaps I will post pictures.
I still have a T shirt I wore to gym class in high school. I love it, but it has started to deteriorate. Sad. E hates it and begs me to throw it the hell out. I think I will take out the ol needle & thread & try to fix it up.
I am on that list not to get any more telemarketer calls but I still get them all the time. I wonder who I call to cure this problem. No MCI/great vacation package place/weichert mortgage company/newspaper I don't want any and when I yell "TAKE ME OFF YOUR LIST" in your ear, I mean it.
I have to fold & put away endless amounts of laundry today & I am not in the mood.
Blah blah blah.

More Dumb Quotes

Dumbest Quotes from your president, not mine, George W. Bush:

"I've been to war [sic]. I've raised twins. If I had a choice, I'd rather go to war." --

"I am mindful not only of preserving executive powers for myself, but for predecessors as well”

"Then I went for a run with the other dog and just walked. And I started thinking about a lot of things. I was able to—I can't remember what it was. Oh, the inaugural speech, started thinking through that.

"Redefining the role of the United States from enablers to keep the peace to enablers to keep the peace from peacekeepers is going to be an assignment”

"The California crunch really is the result of not enough power-generating plants and then not enough power to power the power of generating plants."

"They misunderestimated me.”

I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe -- I believe what I believe is right.

And the number 1 dumbest quote:

Sometimes when I sleep at night I think of "Hop on Pop".*


*That explains a lot!

New Life

I told E last night that I thought he didn't love me as much as he used to. I thought he loved me more in the little house in the woods. Its not true at all, because he does love me, today more then yesterday but not as much as tomorrow, but I was feeling sad. I miss our little stone house in the woods. We had deer, turkeys, black bear, turtles and frogs wondering around our house. I even named some of the animals, because I loved them. I loved the house with the pool, I loved the privacy, I loved that this was the house we lived in after we were married, all alone and in love.
This beautiful house was small and old and just not right for raising twins, so when we found out we were having babies we knew we had to move on. I cried the day we moved because so much was changing, and it was good and exciting, but I hate change. I was a month away from giving birth and I had to give up the house, job and life that I loved for a new one with our family. I think about our old life often and fondly, and I do get sad and sentimental. Then my babies will run up to me with open arms and I remember that change is good and the only way to progress in life. Without change I would have them and I wouldn't have E and those are the only things in life that matters.

Things I am Sick of Hearing About:

1) J. Ho and her marriages/divorces/engagements. Something is wrong with this chick.

2) Atkins diets and carbs. Don't eat fruit? It goes against everything I have been taught. Hello, food pyramid anyone?

3) Empire Carpet commercials.

4) The Cicadas

5) The Lord of the rings movies

6) My neighbors marriage problems and his failure to find a job. They feel the need to talk ever so loudly on the phone or to each other about all their problems (and there are MANY) on their deck. Shut the hell up my kids are trying to nap. Oh, and by the way there is no way your youngest child is yours. Oh yeah, also your oldest son has been seen rolling doobies (is this still a "hip" term? I would love to be hip) on the deck and smoking joints out his window.

7)O.J. Why are we giving this murderer any more attention?

8) Smarty Jones

Somebody Call Access Hollywood

Hey everyone, guess what? I have twins! You didn't know that? Why, wasn't on Access Hollywood, ET or Extra right after the 800 billion "Julia Roberts is having twins" stories?
HEY WORLD I have twins too, and I wonder why it isn't headline news. I had twins naturally (although that doesn't make me any more of a mother of twins) and no twins run in my family. See, I wonder why I am not more newsworthy because I had twins and raised them these past 16 months without the help of a cook, nanny, nurse, maid, personal trainer or a couple of hundred million in the bank. I brought them home to a new house 1.5 hours away from all of my family & friends, so that means E & I did it alone. Was it hard? Hell yes, but rewarding.
Next time People or US magazine need a great story they should interview a single mother of twins or a family making $40k a year with multiples. I am already sick of hearing about Julia and the husband she "stole" ala Jerry Seinfeld.

Well, enough with this rant, I am off to read my People or Us about important things, like if Jennifer Lopez is getting married again.

Open letter to the bitch trying to run my family down

Dear Soulless Bitch-
I do understand the importance of this once yearly carpet sale. I am also standing out here in the rain waiting for the doors to open. I am aware that you are trying to cut us in the line. I put up with your stale, stinky, hot breath on the back of my neck while you complained about waiting. Please be aware of the fact that nobody likes to wait. I never heard anyone say "that was a great line, I can hardly contain myself until the next long line I will get the pleasure of standing in."
But you and your tiny, feeble husband did not have to run me down once we got in the store. Look dumbass I have kids, they are in this thing with wheels, it is called a stroller. I understand my double stroller is bulky and slightly hard to maneuver but you didn't have to dodge down each and every isle we were in hope we didn't get the "golden" rug. Whateverthehellthatis. Don't kick my stroller where my precious angels are just sitting there, being the epitome of great babies. I do bite. IT IS JUST A RUG SALE. Instead of a rug why don't you buy some manners.
I hope you and your awful hairdo had to stand in line for eternity and then when you finally did get your dumb rug on your car, I hope it fell out on the highway on your way home.
In conclusion, I hate you, your strange, mute, balding husband and all of your offspring. If I ever encounter you again, I will cut you.
With Malice and Bad Intent,
Me

Idiot

I think of myself as a fairly intelligent person, I know how to read, I went to school and I have even held down jobs. I may be wrong though, because I have no idea how to add links to this blog. I would like to add links.
Can someone help me get linky with it?

Furious

On the front page of some NY newspapers today there is a story about O.J. Simpson. Apparently poor O.J. is very angry at his wife for being murdered because now he alone has the task of raising his two children. HE IS MAD AT HER.
Hey O.J., maybe you should have thought about that BEFORE YOU MURDERED HER! He is also mad at the Goldmans and Denise Brown because he said they are profiting from the murders. Um, yeah. Sure they are. We know The Goldman family is not profiting you because you slinked down to Florida to buy a house you knew couldn't be taken from you & then suspiciously all your money was in a pension that also couldn't be taken from you. Hmmm. Interesting.
This story infuriates me, he is a typical abuser stereotype, nothing is his fault & the blame should be on anyone else. In other words, Nicole pretty much deserved to be murdered because she had friends he didn't like. I am so infuriated that not only did this murderer go free, but he laps the press up like a dog, he loves it.
He also went on to say that he is assured that Michael Jackson and Kobe Bryant are innocent. According to O.J. no from a girl doesn't always mean no, they will say that just so they won't seem like a slut. He also says that there is a difference between date rape & stranger rape.
Is this guy for real?!?
Hey, at least he is out looking for the real killer at the Florida golf courses and at his mansion.

Foodmobiles

Has anyone actually ever seen these on the road? The Oscar Meyer Weinermobile, the Pepperidge Farm Goldfishmobile or the Hershey kissmobile? Maybe they don't really even exist. Maybe they are just superimposed for the purpose of the television ad in hopes of people everywhere jumping in their cars to search for these mobiles only to have to pull over at the nearest convenience store to purchase some of the products?*
I would love to find one of these mobiles so I can flag them down and gorge myself on their treats and then take many pictures of my and my family with the mobile for Christmas cards. That would make a GREAT Christmas card.
I heard a rumor that there is a peepsmobile. I know a girl who would love to have access to the peepsmobile, but will only eat the peeps if they are slightly stale.
I am off to go find any proof that these mobiles actually exist.

*Please don't ever eat a wiener from a convenience store. I beg of you.

Phases

Baby A has entered a new phase. I think it is the terrible 2s, the problem is he is only 16 months old. He is overly sensitive to everything if his car falls, if his sister yells, if I tell him to be gentle-anything. He throws himself on the floor in a fit and now he is kicking.
At this moment I have been listening to him scream bloody murder in his crib for 52 minutes and I cannot take it anymore. I took him out to see if he would like a bottle (the only thing that calms him down) and he didn't want it & kicked & screamed in my arms. It is not his teeth because he has all of his baby teeth, he is not hungry, he is tired probably because he was up at 5 this morning!
I think Boys are harder then girls to raise when they are younger and vice versa as they get older. I have seen a book I am going to order today, "The sensitive child". Hopefully this book will unlock some ancient secret that will cure my poor child of this possession and bring back my sweet lovable baby.
H E L P!!!!!!!!!!!

It must be that time of month

We are approaching my time of the month. Of course I would know it was coming right? I must mark it on my calendar or be a very regular person, right? Well the answer is no. I know that I am getting my period because I just cried at a Sylvan Learning Center commercial. You know the one, a teenage boy surprises his mother with a terrific report card for her birthday. Not only was it totally corny commercial, but I was crying because one day my kids might give me their straight A report card for my birthday. And I will be mad. Hey get straight A's on your time, where is my real present?!? You are required to do well in school. I am required to get a good gift for my birthday so cough it up.

I heard Vince Neil is getting a makeover ala The Swan. A makeover, therapy, plastic surgery-the works. Hysterical.

A Funny

The funniest quote I have heard in a long time:
"I am an odd shaped man"- Bob Costas.

Summer

It is that time of year again. Yup, bathing suit season. I think mine mysteriously shrunk sitting in the drawer for the past 9 months. Funny how that can happen.
The pool in my development is filled with characters. I can't wait to let you in on what I see this summer. There is the obligatory single mom who is always is on the phone and never watches her two young daughters frolicking in and around the pool, which infuriates me. Random single men and about 70% of them need manscaping.
There is also the young lifeguard who for some reason is snotty & pissed that she gets to sit outside in the beautiful weather watching 4-5 people in the pool at a time for her summer employment. What the HELL do you have to be a bitch for?! Here is my friggin pass now lose the attitude.
I am a HUGE people watcher and now that summer is upon us I will be out & about in all my glory. Yipee.

Old

There are some things that happen in your life to make you remember that you are an adult. Life events, purchases or even just life's little things that happen make you terribly happy. As a child though, these things wouldn't have caused a bleep on the happiness meter. Here are some things that have happened to me recently, that made me again realize that I truly am an adult.
1) My Shark cordless sweeper. Do you have one of these? They are amazing and made me realize that my huge, bulky, loud vacuum sucks and hasn't been picking up half of what it should have been.
2) Coffee already made when you wake up. A terrific discovery, only made better if you awoke to find that someone has purchased you a dunkin donuts or starbucks caffeinated beverage.
3) We bought new rugs for the house we recently bought & haven't moved into yet. I love said rugs and cannot believe how many times I talked about them to anyone who would listen the past 2 days. I mean, they are just rugs.
4) Enjoying the first pee of the morning. I love it, I enjoy seeing how much urine has actually collected during the night and I also enjoy the knowledge that I control my own relief.
It is a highly underrated experience. Live in the moment I say.
5) Clorox bleach stick has changed my life.
Exciting stuff huh?