Bye Bye Worst Year Of My Life

What I Have Been Up To

Things I did do this past week:
-Christmas-ed it up with family
-had my hair cut shorter than it is has been since I was maybe 3 years old (pics to come soon -eeek)
-also had to dye my hair darker for the time being until the damage I did with the stupid "semi" permanent, natural hair dye comes out. I keep not recognizing myself in the mirror, it is weird.
-looked at places to live in NJ which was so depressing I cannot tell you. Trying to find a OKAY place to live with 3 bedrooms under $1800 a month? Impossible.
-cried because we are going to have to live in a crappy old place
-yelled at E when the baby fell down a flight of stairs on Christmas Eve when E was supposed to be watching him
-made homemade cinnamon rolls and peanut butter cups

Things I did not do this past week:-eat too much
-drink too much (I should have-hindsight)
-yell too much (except for the baby down the stairs incident, an image I will never forget)
-sleep enough
-laundry and now I am paying for it
-used twitter
-internet usage as a whole was way down which is liberating in a way and made me miss it in another way
-drink enough coffee

I can't wait for 2009 to be over and I will have a vlog about this craptastic year and what I hope 2010 brings, tomorrow!

Christmas

we had a hideous trip to NJ yesterday abut we made it. My mother took my daughter and I to the salon for a gift and i got my hair color fixed and then cut it all off. R got a well needed trim as well.
We are staying at my sister's house and although it is a small house it is filled with love and joy. While we are here we will look for places to live, visit my family and prepare to come back for good next month.

I truly wish each an every one of you a Merry Christmas and a Merry everything. I wish you peace and love. I wish you joy and health. I wish you everything my family and I have.
I wish some magic in your life this day and always.

2010

So. Here we are.
Employed. Happy, excited and so grateful for the best Christmas gift ever.

So, why am I plagued by all the awful thoughts in my head?
The ones that tell me how hard it is going to be and how much work has to come in the next few weeks. The ones that tell me that despite the fact my kids will be so happy to be with their family again, switching them to another new school is going to hurt them.
The same voices who tell me that E's job is for a lot less money and we will moving back to a VERY expensive state and I have to find a job to make up the difference and nobody will even look at my resume since I have been a SAHM for 7 years.

I won't let those voices be heard, I will keep them under all the positive thoughts of all the good things to come.
I will fight my demons with all that I have.

We are excited for this new day with new chances. We will make good on all the promises we made to each other over the past two years.
We will give back to people just like our friends and family did for us when we needed it.
We will not forget all the people who helped us financially, emotionally and spiritually. We can never truly repay them, but we can try.

2010 is going to be a great year. It is going to be hard but great.
I can just feel it.

Exhale

E got the job.

Let me repeat that so as it just may sink into my brain: E GOT THE JOB!

Huge exhale.

It is a job in a totally different industry- no more big pharma.
It is in New Jersey.
It has full benefits. The pay is just okay it is a lot less than he was making, but we will make do.

We have a job.

E will rock this job, I know he can and he will. I am his biggest supporter and I have been behind him 1000% all these years- especially the last two.
I know this doesn't end all of our troubles, it comes with a smaller, new set of things to work out but if we can handle what the universe has thrown our way then we can handle anything.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for all of your comments, emails, prayers, positive thoughts and love for me and my family.
E and I appreciate them all and they have meant a lot to me personally.

DUDES! We have a job!

Hang on because I am not going anywhere and it looks like 2010 is going to be a whole other adventure.

Are you ready?

Yeah. So am I.

Holding Our Breath

EDIT AGAIN:
Here is is Monday at 3:30 adn STILL NO CALL! E had enough and just called the lady he interviewed with. The otehr lady was out, they have had meetings all day excuses excuses they will call him today or tomorrow.
I mean REALLY, how much more stress can we take?!
::::Good package vibes for us:::::::


Today we are waiting on big news. We are 75% sure E will get a job offer today. We just hope after all of this time, the moving and changing our kid's schools, the sacrifices, the doubt, the hope, the loss of faith, the stress, the exhaustion, the facing the unknown day after day, that the offer is solid.

All we need is a good, solid offer and we can start all over again.

EDIT TO ADD: It is 8am Friday morning and still nothing as of yet.
until Monday
EDIT TO ADD AGAIN: Really, you people are going to make us wait until Monday ?? The universe is really having its way with us and just kicking us repeatedly in the balls when we are down. The only thing that is making us NOT pull out all of our hair is the fact that they called last Saturday morning.
Torture!

How Lame Can I Be?

There must be something in the air today. I woke up in a great mood, crashed into a terrible mood in 3 seconds and now I am stable, but still a little crazy.
So crazy in fact that I am here to tell you some embarrassing, never before revealed fact about me.

Fact #1 I was SO very lame today that I blanked out on just how to load the thread onto my sewing machine. I had to take out the book and then watch the DVD. I will repeat that as to get the full amount of lame-ness: I had to watch a sewing DVD.
Haven't they made sewing machines yet that you can just throw the thread into it and go? I am doing the same thing I did 20 years ago in sewing class. L A M E.

Fact #2 Sometimes when I am bored I watch the videos on here. I find it gross AND fascinating all at once.

Fact #3 This website cracks me up, I just love it.

Fact #4 I hate taking showers. Don't worry I still take them, but I hate it. I feel so good afterwards, but it is the whole process of shaving everything, washing my hair and conditioning. It takes forever. Not to mention my hair is so thick it takes about 30 minutes to dry completely, much longer if I want it to look like anything but a straw sombrero.

Fact #5 I keep my house so cold that I am freezing with damp hair for hours after my shower. New England + oil heat + poverty does not make a warm happy Tuesday Girl.

Fact #6 Me likes cold spaghetti for brunch.

Fact #7 I feel so satisfied when I clean my kid's ears and I get a dirty Q-tip. I even clean my nephews ears if I think they are dirty.
It is a small but worthwhile victory.

Fact #8 I am practically hairless. After waxing my legs for a year, the hair growth almost completely stopped. Hair only grows below my knee and only in one batch of leg. Strange but a pleasant surprise. Anything to get me out of the shower faster.

Fact #9 E and I both like to vacuum. We fight over who gets to do a particular dirty spot sometimes.

Grinch

The holidays were so much easier before we had kids. If I didn't want to put up a tree, I didn't put up a tree. If I didn't want to decorate or bake cookies, I didn't. Not that this situation ever happened, I love Christmas, I love the baking, the smells, the parties, I love it all.

Until this year.
I don't want to decorate this house we are being forced from. Last year I wondered where we would put the tree in this house and how great it would be to decorate every room in this big, lovely home.
This year I don't want to do anything.

The kids have been asking when we will decorate, when we will get a tree, when, when when? E and I will force ourselves to decorate (but I will cut waaay back) and the kids and E will cut down a tree in the yard today.
I don't have the money to do the elaborate baking I would usually do, so that will have to be scaled back also.
It makes me not want to do it at all.

I know this season is about making memories and being with our family, and what is really important. I know.
I know it is my kids who will kick start my heart. I know it is for them, E and I will rally and get the spirit flowing. The deserve nothing less and they will get everything we can give them.

I just hope I can get the spirit going soon though, because I feel like a Grinch. And I would hate to have a heart two sizes too small.
That would be just more than I could take.

I Can See Again

I have had glasses since I was in the third grade and could no longer see the chalkboard. I still use my glasses for driving and to watch television. When it comes to picking out new glasses, they have to be good quality and a great price. I would never think of buying my eyeglasses online, but GlassesUSA gave me the chance to try them out and see just what buying glasses online was all about.


GlassesUSA.com offers a great solution for buying glasses. They have a wide variety of eyeglass frames starting from just $18!
All of their lenses not only exceed FDA requirements but they pass their “5-stripe” process prior to shipment. If they do not meet these standards – they are not shipped.

I have to admit, I was nervous getting glasses online, after all isn't that something you need to see in person and on yourself to buy?
I was encouraged by their 30-day return policy, if you are unsatisfied with your glasses, they will be happy to exchange your frames with another pair of equal value or refund your order. Whew.
It is easy to sort through the eyeglass frames, you can shop by price, category, material, lens type or gender. GlassesUSA also has a Vision Guide on their website that helps you make your choice. They have an article on how to choose frames to flatter your style and how to choose prescription eyeglasses that fit your facial shape.
I had heavy, think frames before so i wanted a change. I went with the Vegas glasses for that Sarah Palin look. It took a couple of weeks for my glasses to arrive, but when they did I wasn't disappointed.
They fit my face, the complimented my face shape and were very nice. It took awhile to get used to the rimless, light glasses but after a few days I was good.

All in all it was a good experience, I think the only downside to buying glasses online is the wait time to get them, but if you are looking for a second set, or a new pair and you don't need to rush, buying online is right for you.
I have suggested this site to my mother who is always buying a pair of glasses or sunglasses for herself and I would recommend them to you too!

Which Do you Prefer, Grey Or Black?

I have needed to touch up my highlights for months now. The greys have taken over my head and I have kept putting it off because a trip to the salon is not something I could spend money on.
I am obsessed with these grey hairs and pluck them out every chance I get and it drives E crazy, but do you want a 30 something year old wife with grey hair dude? I didn't think so.
The other day a PR rep sent me a email about a natural hair coloring kit that you do it at home, and would I like to review this for my site?

Thank you Ma'am, I would!

I had put off using this product because we were going home to NJ for Thanksgiving and my mom offered to treat me and my daughter to a salon visit to do a touch up on my hair & have my old hairdresser tell me exactly how to apply color at home.

Well, at the last minute we couldn't afford to make the trip to NJ so I was out of luck on the hair color front.

So, this weekend I took out my box of hair color and taught E the finer points of hair coloring as seen by my hairdresser. I read the instructions three times, then once more out loud to E.
You see where this is going, right?

Terrible.

The ends of my hair are black. BLACK.
The roots and top of my hair is slightly colored but guess what is not colored? Not even a little bit?
The grey hairs.
They are laughing and pointing and getting a kick out of this while I curse them.

Now I have two toned hair WITH greys mixed in!
I am soo hot! I swear, it is the newest look it is called the frazzled house woman.
Haven't you seen it on Lindsay Lohan?

I thought this natural hair color with its plant based coloring crap would work, after all I went to a "green" salon in NJ and came out with awesome plant based highlights every 3-4 months! It was a messy, terrible experience and it makes me hate being poor* even more.

Now please excuse me while I attempt to wash this black out of my hair again, for the 23 time.
Did I mention the bottom portion of my hair is black?



* Positive thoughts everyone, E is on a call back of a job interview again today in NJ. Please send your prayers, good vibes, energy or luck on to our family?

Thankful

I am thankful for: 6 little feet running around my house, for peonies, for juicy turkey and hearty wines. For little arms that wrap around my neck and squeeze, for clean clothes, for my Grandmother and Mom. For blue skies and the smell of rain, for lemons and warm slippers, the joy of the little things for kids. For my baby calling "mama" all day, for E and his strength and love. For my sisters and brother, for the sleep that comes after a long day at the beach, for the silence when it snows, for miracles and hope. For the baby with blueberry eyes and curls that won't stop and his brother and sister with the eyes the color of spruce trees.
For new crayons, friends that care, for lotion that smells of coconut and baby blankets that smell of my angels.
For you who comes here to read this.
Most of all for my health and the health of my family. Without that, nothing else matters.

The One With The Video

Untitled from Tuesday Girl on Vimeo.

Teenage TV

I was noticing the other day that I have turned into a teenager. No it wasn't because I was sexting or stealing prescription painkillers (why? do you have some?), it is my TV watching.
Apparently instead of my taste in television maturing, it is regressing. Why do I say that? Here is my list of favs right now:

90210- Bev Hills and I go back. WAAYY back. So far back I remember when the "teenage" cast only had small receding hairlines and Brenda had thick bangs to cover her even-more-thick eyebrows and crooked eyes.
I still love this show. I am sad to admit it though.

Vampire Diaries- New show this year and I am in looove. Although I read the twilight books, I am not a vampire storyline fan, but I gave this a whirl and I love it.

True Life Docs- I love these documentaries on MTV. It is pretty much the only thing MTV is good for these days. I had breast implants, I am embarrassed by my parents, I have a secret life online- whatever it is bring it and I will watch.

Speaking of MTV, did you see the new show they are premiering later this month? Jersey Shore? Oh, sweet lord it is getting harder and harder to defend NJ against these revolting docu-dramas that take place in NJ. Yes NJ has Guidos but the population has plummeted since the mid 90s. I swear.

Where do they find these people?
And yes, I will be watching.
I think my only redeeming TV watching quality is that I stopped watching soap operas 13 years ago.

Enter To Win Some Great Gifts!

E is in NJ for a job interview today.
We are not getting our hopes up but will continue to pray for some good luck.

I wanted to share with you some great gift ideas I have over at my other site. I would give or want to receive all of them this year.
I am also giving some great things away like a designer diaper bag, Hoover Stick Vac, $75 worth of custom favors and a 1 year subscription to a menu planning service that rocks.
I also have more coming up (including pearls!) and one for you crazy readers.
Enter for yourself or to save some money on gifts!

I Go To Sleep

When my father died suddenly 5 years ago I suffered a great deal of insomnia. I could fall asleep easily, it was the staying asleep that was the problem. Every night I would wake at 3:30 and I would be awake until 6am- that was my witching hour and I would fall asleep easily and heavily at that time.
My homeopath told me years later that the time I woke meant something, but I never asked what. I guess I didn't want to know the answer.

When I would wake I would usually turn on the TV and lower the volume so I wouldn't wake E. Most of the time he would wake, roll over and go back to sleep.
Sometimes though, we would just sit in bed and talk. We would talk about the things we forgotten to tell the other about our day, the little things. Most times we will rehash what cute/smart/funny things one or all of our kids did that day and we would give thanks for those kids.
Sometimes it was easier to talk about things, in the darkness when you don't have to see the other's face. The discussion would flow and out hands would find each others and we would know that no matter what we were in it together.

These days I find myself back into my old sleep patterns. I wake up in the middle of the night and can't go back to sleep.
I know why.
Doesn't make it any easier on my mind or body. Over the counter sleep pills don't work anymore after years of using them and then the big boy prescription sleep pills.

I am so grateful to have a husband who will talk with me in the night, in the stillness of the dawn. He comforts me, drives away my demons even for a short while and lets me fall back asleep in the safety of his arms.

Very Popular With the First Grade Set

Most popular holiday for kids? Must be Fedrrins Day because I found this on my dresser this morning:

My Week By Numbers

Number of days I have been sick: 3

Number of resumes I sent out this month so far: 25

Number of calls if inquiry on said resume: 1

Number of interviews I have had for a job which would require me to answer calls for a funeral home in the middle of the night and train in an actual funeral home & watch in-calls, funerals and embalming: 1

Number of days I will have this never ending cough: 343985

Number of days I forgot was early dismissal for school and thank god I didn't leave the house when the bus pulled up 2 hours early: 1

Number of bagels consumed when my mom and sister visited this weekend: 2.5

Number of times I have threatened to throw away all leftover Halloween candy in this house since Halloween: 15

Number of times the baby has thrown food directly at my head today alone: 4

Number of times baby has done something so cute that I forgive the food throwing: 74384

Number of time I will use this bit for blog fodder until it gets old: you tell me.

Thank You Frailty, Thank You Consequence,Thank You Thank You Silence

I really do have to tell you how much I love you guys. To take the time out of your day to read my sill little space on the Internet, it means a lot to me. I feel like you guys have given me so much more than I have given you over the past year.

There are days I just want to quit this blog because I feel like all I am doing is whining about my life. There are days when I can make a lighthearted post or rally enough to make fun of my situation or my encounters with people who have never heard of a stromboli and need a 5000 word description of it from the waitress.
Most of the time I just want to get the words in my head out, clear myself of the toxins, it was very cathartic but now it just gets me more upset.

I was literally moved to tears to see people voting for me to get that job, sending out tweets for votes, sending me emails of suggestions and comfort. I cry every time I get a comment on here telling me to stay strong, that my family will weather this storm, that brighter days will come- that they will have to.
To know that virtual strangers are sending positive thoughts and prayers is overwhelming to me and my husband.

In my last post I wrote that I started this blog to feel connected to other new moms, to record my life in a time where life was very hectic to this new mom of twins in a new town.
I am not the best writer, this blog doesn't have the most traffic of them all, it is just my little space to figure things out, note the stuff I want to always remember and hopefully one day soon look back and think how far we have come.
I decided to keep writing here and record whatever I want, whenever I want and not feel like I have to write, but write when I need to.
I thank you for reminding me of that.

The Value Of Me

I blast the blinking cursor of doom.
These days I am just not sure what to write about. Like most bloggers, I started this blog to connect to other people in my new position of a new mom and found myself in this great untainted territory.
My words meant something to me and that was all that mattered.
Now, well, I am not so sure. When I write about my current situation, I get myself more worked up, I get very emotional and I am not sure it is cathartic or torment.

I want to write about silly, non-meaningful things but sometimes I just don't have the heart to do so. It has my mind and heart wondering if my words mean anything anymore. This agony of the past 2 years of losing everything except my family has taken its toll.
The pain and unrelenting bad luck can be seen on my face, on my husband's face on our marriage, on our lives. I can't believe we have ended up here with no idea what to do next.
No idea where to go, when we will land jobs, where my kids will go to school or how to pay our bills.
Writing about our lack of, well, everything, has not been helpful to me. It makes me realize more how tired I am of being on the losing end of opportunity, what a terrible parent I think I am and how hard it is going to be to dig back out of this hole.
It makes me sick to my stomach on a daily basis.

I wonder if my hopes, faith and dreams don't make any difference, than just what value do my words have?

Vote!

You can vote once a day until 11/6, so I hope you please vote for me, tweet it or beg strangers like I am to vote for me to get this job:


Good Mood Gig from SAM-e

Thank you!

Things, Observed

Things I can't stop buying even though I don't need any more:
-cute hair clips/bows/ribbons for my daughter
-a good baby blanket
-slippers
-beach towels
-throw blankets

Things I have too much of but also can't get rid of:
-clothes my daughter has outgrown
-sarcasm
-grey hair
-scrunchies
-fat
-endless fear
-single socks just hoping that the match will magically show up.

Things I notice about NH:
-so this is where all the lesbians have been (loves it!)
-EVERYONE looks like they shop at LL Bean
-the edgy people shop at Lands' End
-they hate makeup here
-people like to stare
-enough with the personalized license plates already!
-nobody beeps their horn. Ever. Good when you cut someone off, not so good when you are trying to get the point across that you in fact do not change lanes while looking for lost coins on the floor of your car. Fuck it, I still beep.
-these things they call bagels? They are the distant cousin of a roll. Not even close people.

Things that I just cannot do no matter how hard I try:
-meditate. I mean how do you turn off your brain?
-poop on vacation or out of my area of comfort (anywhere but home. shhh)
-sit on a public toilet seat
-a back bend, past the age of 20. It would make a great sex trick.
-pick up the phone without checking the caller ID
-knit anything other than a rudimentary scarf, dishcloth or hot plate.

Planning

I am a planner.
I like to make plans and lists. I like to know what I am going to serve for Christmas dinner in October.
I worry about what birthday gifts would be perfect for my kids months before their birthday.
I like to know where I am going to be, how long I will be there and exactly what route to take to get home.

The past few years have tested my planning capabilities. It is hard to plan for Christmas dinner if you don't know where you will be, or how much money you will have to spend for food that week.
It has tested my patience and my faith.

I decided when we moved to NH that I will reinvent myself. I would lose my bad habits and be open to change.
Change is usually not a word in my vocabulary. I hate change.
I made a pact with myself to do things that were outside of my comfort zone once a month. I have kept that promise to myself did so by doing things like joining a MOMs group here, jumping off a 25 foot cliff in Colorado, going to a blog event without knowing anyone and putting myself out there more.

Still, I feel unsure of myself and my life. There is something to be said about letting life take you away without any plans but I think that is a life better suited for single people. When you have kids you have to plan.

I have no idea why life is testing my faith, marriage, trust and children this way. Still I am open to what is to come, even though that comes with deep sadness and complete fear of the unknown.

Ghostly Encounters

Well, I think it goes without saying that I need some cheering up.
I have always liked Halloween but now that I am a parent it has renewed my love for this holiday and everything scary.
I have always loved scary movies and books and I am obsessed with ghost stories.

I have no real experience with ghosts although one time we were staying at a rental property at the beach for a few days with our kids. When we pulled up to the old house my then 4 year old son asked me whose house this was.
I told him it was the house we were going to be staying in.
Then he asked who the girl in the window was, and when I looked nobody was there.
Creepy!

Tell me your ghost encounters or stories and amuse me.
Please? Don't make me beg!

Good Mood Gig from SAM-e

You Would Think Maybe Once I would Have Good News For You

You would think that maybe, I would have good news for you. But you would be wrong.
The rinky dink job E took just so we can squeak by? The one that was a 50% pay cut? The one we were thankful to have because at least we had health insurance?
They laid E off today BY FED EX!!!!!!!! They can't pay him anymore so they let him go.

I swear life keeps getting better.

Please if anyone has any connection with pharma sales on the east coast let me know!

Please vote everyday.

Good Mood Gig from SAM-e

My Six Year Old Son

My son L is one of the three sweetest gifts I have ever received.
Sure he is a rooster and wakes at the crack of dawn every day of his life since birth. Even though he awakes before any person on Earth should be upright and have to function, he does so with a smile. He never wakes up grumpy or cranky. He finds beauty in the mundane telling me "how beautiful the sky looks" at age 3.

L is sweet to everyone, a love. He gets very worried when I am sad or upset. He is worried that he was the one to disappoint me. He is the most sensitive of all my children. He will cry over a mistake he made on a drawing, or gets frustrated with himself if he doesn't remember how much a dime is worth or can't read a word.
We try and be patient we tell him that everyone makes mistakes. Nobody is perfect.

Last Christmas we gave the kids each $5 to buy the other and E and I a gift at the holiday gift sale at school. Christmas morning he presented me and his twin sister R, with a box. He picked out a single red rose for R, something he knew she would like (and she did. For me he picked out a gold ring with a blue stone set in the middle.
"Because blue is your favorite color" he told me. I cried, I was so proud of this thoughful, loving, kind boy of mine.
This sweet son of mine picked out such a lovely gift for me and his sister.


When we went back to NJ for my grandfather's funeral, he promised he would write one of my cousins, that they would become pen pals. Today he wrote his first letter to his cousin, a little note thanking him for writing and that he loved him. On the back of his letter he wrote something I have to remember more often, something I vow to remember in the sunlight but sometimes in the darkness I forget.
He wrote: Life is good.

Yes son it is, it can be very good.




Please remember to vote for me everyday here.

Wordless Wednesday

It is so beautiful here this time of year it almost makes me feel guilty for hating New Hampshire. I really don't hate it here, but I am angry we didn't make it work. There has to be a reason we ended up here, I am just waiting to see what it is.

I normally never post pictures of my gorgeous kids but this is a great picture of the twins.


Also? Please don't forget about voting for me! You can vote every day through October 30th and feel free to tweet it or pass it along!
Thank you so much!

Good Mood Gig from SAM-e

A Favor To Me

Friends, I have come across a blogging contest for a job which would allow us to be able to pay for a new place to live.
I would love to win this one but it is going to take a lot of help. Would you consider voting for me? You can vote once a day until October 30, which is not a lot of time.

Good Mood Gig from SAM-e

I would love it if you could spare a vote for me and maybe pass it on to friends or family. Thank you for coming to read my site, for caring about my and my family and for your prayers.
I am humbled and I appreciate them more than I could tell you.

Sweet Dreams Are Made Of These

"Mom, one day I want you to live with me" I would often say to my mother when I was a child.

"You come live with me and Daddy and I will have plenty of room because I will live in a mansion" I would say
"How are you going to live in a mansion?" my mother would always reply.

"I am going to marry a rich husband!" I would tell my mother with all the determination a 10 year old could muster.
She would wipe the curls from my face and give me the look that meant she didn't think I could do it.

I would do it and prove her wrong I would tell myself.
******************************************

I knew I never wanted to be a grown up. While my friends were all wishing they could be adults and have ice cream whenever they wanted and stay up late, I knew what being a grown up was like and it didn't look like any fun.

I was right.
The hardest part of being me these days is trying to figure out where it all went wrong. I had plans, aren't you supposed to have plans? Why is that mine never worked out?

The life I woke up with today is the polar opposite of where I thought I would be when I pictured 35.
I pictured a medium sized house that I owned, a manicured lawn with many flowers that were always blooming. I saw a turret and four kids, living down the street and around the bend from my family. I envisioned play dates with my friends from school and their children, lots of arts and crafts with no worries of glue or permanent marker and a homemade snack sitting on the counter waiting for my children to return from school.

I never once saw me tired from constant stress, worried about how much I can spend on groceries this week or figuring out how people who are educated and want to work can't find jobs.
I never thought I could not make my vision a reality.
I never thought it could get this bad.
The nights are the hardest. That is when E gets down and I have to pick him back up even though I have no desire to. I want to wallow too.
I want to yell and scream and kick and cry, the ugly cry that wracks my body with convulsions of tears. Sometimes I feel like I have cried every last tear and my body can't possibly produce more.
Then I fall into bed exhausted. Spent. Emotionally drained.

That is when I pray for the darkness of sleep to wash over me so I can dream.
In my dreams I have roses of all colors growing on my white picket fence, the fence that I own and there is no reason to cry anymore.

The Bear

My grandfather was a good man. He was brilliant and funny and always had a great story to tell. He was the man who had great parties. He was the one you wanted sitting next to you on the long car ride.
He was the first generation in this country and like many Irish immigrants did they settled in New Jersey were there was others from the mother country.

He was an athlete and a big man/ His nickname in the neighborhood he lived in for 45 years was The Bear.
He was a hard worker, he didn't have the easiest life but who among us does? When he left this place he left me mad at myself, I still had more to ask him, I had more to learn from him and now the questions will have to go unanswered.

When I walked into the funeral home the first thing I noticed was the big picture of my grandfather and my father with their arms around each other smiling as big as they could.
My father took after his father's footsteps and was the life of the party, the storyteller, the one that carried on the family business.
The peace I have is knowing that father and son are reunited somewhere again.

I know they are somewhere having a million laughs, some good stories and a whole lotta vodka.

Lights go out and I can't be saved, Tides That I Tried To Swim Against

It is just a house, it is just a house, just four walls and a roof.
This house though, is what made it okay to leave what I knew and try a chance at a new life in a new state.

We saw this house when E decided he should take a job with his cousin and move up here since after hundreds of interviews there were no job offers in New Jersey. The owners had the house on the market for years, It was old, and needed a lot of work done, some TLC and some vision of what it could be. The owners were desperate, we made a deal with them and E's cousin to lease this house with the option to buy as soon as we could.

The house needed a lot and it would cost a lot to heat but the kids would each have their own big bedrooms and the bathrooms were enormous. Plenty of room for my visiting family to stay and a playroom that was spacious and perfect for three kids who would want their own "space" away from their parents in the blink of an eye.

Now the owners told us they have to put the house on the market breaking all deals with us and not returning our calls. We were paying the mortgage and taxes on this house, the company is not doing well, E took a second job that is not doing well at all and we can't pay the high taxes as well as the high rent.
As I type this I am waiting for their real estate agent to come in and start putting our lives on hold again.

We put SO much time and money into this house already, money we didn't have. E & his family spent months painting this house, refinishing the terrible wood floor, putting up blinds and a new counter in the kitchen and they want to cash in on all of our hard work and leave us on the street.


We have nothing.
Nothing.

Can you imagine that for a second?

I appreciate your kind comments and sweet emails.
I want to hang in there, I want to believe we are good parents, but I don't.
Good parents have a house for their kids to live in.
Good parents don't disappoint their kids and let them down. Good parents don't fuck up every decision they make.

We don't know where to go, to try and stay or pack it all back in for NJ?

The questions are endless and my mind spins only calmed by the sleeping pills I have to take just to get to sleep every night.
Even they are not dependable anymore.
The only thing I can depend on is feeling like a failure, like a worthless person who can't even get a job interview to help her family from falling into the cracks.

Every month goes by and I have hopes bigger than the last month.
This month the calls will come with job interviews.
This time we will catch a break finally. If we just hope something will come through. We worked so hard, it has to pay off soon, maybe by the end of the week.....
And the days turn into weeks, that turn into seasons and nothing has improved in two long years.

I have to be honest, I don't have much hope or positive energy left in me. I am tired. So very, very tired.

I just want to give up.

Enough

I am sick.
My Grandfather has suffered a massive stroke.
The owners of our house want to put the house on the market and we have no options, no money and we will have no where to live.

We are terrible parents.
We don't deserve our kids and they don't deserve us.

I don't know how to get us out of this hole.

Wordless Wednesday

Nine

This year has been the hardest one of them all.
It has been filled with stresses and second guessing all of the huge decisions we had to make. Hard enough to do on our own, but when we have to think of our kids too, it gets even harder.

I have yelled, I have bargained with higher powers, I have pleated, I have been resentful, I have been sad, I have been depressed, I have held positive thoughts, I have thrown my hands in the air and screamed "why?", I have thought about giving up, I have had my good moments, I have had my share of bad but all of those things I have done? The only thing that makes them better is that you have done them with me.

You are a warrior. You are my strength when I have none.
You are my support when I meed some.
You are my light when every thing is dark.
You are thoughtful and kind.
You are my best friend and the best man.
There is no better father in the world, and nobody I would rather raise kids with.

I know I don't always close the drawers all the way and you never fill the basket with diapers. You never put coffee on the grocery list and I get anxiety over packing up baby clothes. In daily life those seem like faults but it doesn't matter.
None of it matters. Only you and me and the family we created out of love.

Who ever said marriage isn't easy wasn't kidding. It is hard.
Let's see what the universe has in store for us the next nine years and nineteen more after that.
I truly can't wait.

Love always, Tuesday Girl


Even though we ain't got money
I'm so in love with ya honey
Everything will bring a chain of love
In the mornin' when I rise
Bring a tear of joy to my eyes
And tell me everything's gonna be all right

What Happens At Borders........

All last week I had been so excited for the weekend. Weekends for stay at home mothers are no different then any other day there is just more people at home to annoy you.

Anyway, I decided I was going to go to Borders and get myself a nice cup of coffee and read a book.

Yes, I said READ a book not buy one and bring it home to read.
Have you heard of something called the recession and have you not read my endless, boring posts about my HORRIBLE financial state? All the cool kids in NYC do it, so can I.

I have been dying to read Kathy Griffin's book so I went Saturday morning and scoped out the place to find the best possible seat and plopped myself down for a good read.
Three quarters of the way through I decided it was coffee time and I headed for the cafe. I sat down with my vanilla latte and very interesting book just as two college aged boys came in, one who was carrying an overflowing backpack.

Next came one of the most interesting, unexplained things I have ever seen:
The overflowing backpack guy took out a GALLON of 2% milk and a rather large family size box of Fruit Loops placed them on the table and got to talking with his friends.

The unanswered questions were racing around in my head: Did they bring a bowl? Why bring cereal to a book store? Why were they not eating the cereal? Were they trying to lure small children to their table? Did he just wink at me?
WHERE IS YOUR BOWL SIR?

I wanted to stay as long as they did so I can see where these cats were going with the Fruit Loops but I had to leave at some point.

I will be back next weekend for some fiction, a latte and hopefully a big bowl a cereal.
I'll bring the bowls.


************
Last week I made cornices and curtains. When I say I, I mean my in-laws did 90% of the work while I baby wrangled. Go check out how we did it and what the finished product looks like.

The Good Girl

Lately we have been having some problems with our daughter R.
She is a born leader, even in the womb she redirected all the nutrients for her and her twin brother got the scraps- hence the one pound weight difference.
She is the boss of her brothers and her parents- or so she thinks.

First it began with too much talking during class- a normal problem and one I had as a child occasionally as well. Then it was tattling on kids for simple things and telling someone that another girl "wasn't a good friend."
The other day it was the principal hearing R tell another child "I will punch you in the eye!".
Yesterday it was the bus driver having to tell her to not scream on the bus.

We are into week 3 of school and I am exhausted.
After every one of these problems we sit her down, ask her reasoning for doing it and explain why it is not acceptable behavior.
She is obsessed with the older kids in school and frequently tells me she "wants to be a teenager".

"Slow down" I tell her, "you are only little once, enjoy playing and laughing and not having anything to do for the day but have fun."


I do not know what to do. I feel I am failing her as a parent. E and I have tried to understand behaviors and reward good ones and ignore/discipline bad ones (depending on age appropriateness) but I never want her to be known as "the bad girl" at school because the truth is she really isn't.
She is smart and sweet and loving.

I get complimented all the time on my children's behavior and have since they were infants. So why, when they leave my care for 7 hours a day does R act like a different child?


I want to take her by the shoulders and shake her while I tell her "you are being a mean child, nobody will invite you to parties, teachers will not want you in their class, kids will not be your friend!"

But I don't.

I want to get through to her, but I am just not sure how to.
I love her so much, I just don't want to fail her.


*********************************
I have a favor to ask, I would love comments on my other blog for a contest I entered. If I get the most comments one of the comments will win a $100 GC! So, just leave me a comment (or two, or 3430) and I will comment back!
While you are there add me to your blogroll you will not be disappointed!

It Is Like Wiping With Cotton Balls

I try to be as environmentally friendly as I can. We recycle, buy environmentally friendly cleaners, buy local and organic when possible (so much harder to do in NH)and use compact fluorescent light bulbs.
I may be green but my heiney is not.

I have tried to use "green" or recycled toilet paper in the past, but I just can't do it anymore. It is hard, thin and the opposite of absorbent. Think public restroom toilet paper or doctors office tissues.
Not conducive to gastrointestinal infections or your period.

Anything that is going to lead to a red, swollen anus I am not into.
Poor E.

So, I switch back to my regular TP, Quilted Northern with its light, billowy texture and the absorbency of a thousand Sham Wows. Not too linty and not too thin, it is the toilet paper of the gods.

Of course the label on the front of the package that says "septic safe" is really what sold me, I have never had septic before and the thought of our backyard overflowing with shit- literally, makes me want to run back to NJ.
In heels.


I can try to be more Earth friendly out of the bathroom, but when it comes to my ass, we need some comfort in the form of a soft quilted bath tissue.
Amen.

VMA Recap- Lady KahKah

Friends, we have SO much to talk about. First let's go full on VMAs.
I have to say watching the VMAs makes me feel old and I try to stay away from anything that ages me like ruched bathing suits and wigs.
I try and stay on the cutting edge of celebrity/bands/whats hot, but it is exhausting. Especially when there is a house full of people crying about how the like to eat dinner and have clean clothes.
Babies!

Anywhoo lets get to it. Lady Gaga.
I really don't know too much about her except that R & I love to sing "Let's Dance" at the top of our lungs in the car.
I started to love her because her date for the evening was Kermit the Frog. I have been wanting a date with him since 1977. Kudos to the best date 'o the night!
I can't with her fashion choices though:




In this look I think she is going for "herpes chic". Red, fiery hot, all encompassing and most importantly: itchy.
I don't get it, don't you want to be able to see? Anything?
This is bad. Really bad. Makes me long for the Bjork swan dress.
Imagine that walked down the catwalk on Project Runway? Michael Kors would sh*t himself.


Next we have a version of Hitchcock's "The Birds" being played out right upon her body. Well done Gaga- or Lady Khakah which is how I will be referring to you from now on.


Does she want to look like a robot? Or is that starry, far away look in her eyes just because she smoked something extra special backstage?
If that is the case, pass it over here.


Even though my Lady was wearing something around her face akin to a Lion's mane or maybe a family of porcupines were eating her, she still couldn't bring herself to look at Perez's yellow painted hands.
It is almost too much to bear for me. The jokes, the why's? they just keep coming.
Poor Beyonce.


SQUEAL! This is my FAVORITE. Okay, she is dressed like a hooker, but the best part is the dancer standing next to her- he is wearing a white lace thong as a surgical mask! LOVE!
Of course this scenario plays out in frat houses all across this great nation every day, but on stage- it is glorious.
Check out the guy behind him, he likes it even more than I do!


Do we have to talk about Kanye?
I am sure what a douchebacg he is has already been written a thousand times over already. He sucks and no matter how great a artist he may be he sure acts like a terrible person.

Lastly, I heard Janet Jackson was preparing for months to get this tribute out for Micheal. Um.
It looked like she spent 15 minutes rehearsing for a 2 minute dance routine. When the backup dancers ALL out perform Janet- it may be time to hang it up.

Today

This was the first year where I didn't have 9/11 thoughts looming over me days before the anniversary. Maybe it is because I am no longer in NJ and the hole I would see every day is no longer in my peripheral view.
Maybe it has been enough time that it is not in my thoughts so much anymore.
It was a crazy point in time.

Here is a re-post of what that day was like for me:

I remember 9/11/01 so clearly, like many people do.
It was a gorgeous day in New Jersey and New York, the sun was shining, there wasn't a cloud in the sky, not too hot or too chilly.
I had just started a new job and it was my seventh day. I worked for a medium sized company located about 10 minutes from NYC. I loved it.

My boss called me and told me from the highway he was stuck on, he could see smoke from NYC, he said he thought a plane accidentally hit a building.
Then an announcement came over the building intercom system that the World Trade Center had been hit, and that we were all supposed to leave now and go straight home.
I did just that. I was frantically trying to call E's cell because I thought he was in NYC for a meeting. I heard they were closing the borders of NY, there would be no way to get home. The phone lines were jammed and I couldn't get through for 30 long minutes.
Those were the worst minutes because I thought his meetings were being held in a hotel right next to the WTC.

In actuality, he was in Yonkers, NY and was able to get home. We both met at the end of our driveway and watched from our normally magnificent views, as the buildings burned.
That's the thing about NJ, on a clear day you can see far into NYC and obviously, the view was amazing. It was altered that day, and as I left for work every day after that, I would look to my left because out of the corner of my eye something was missing. There was a huge hole in the skyline.
That night I woke to a horrible, loud sound I jumped thinking we were being bombed, "it is just thunder" E said "go back to sleep".
Hard to do with bombers flying so low, right over our house.

I did lose a friend from high school that was in the buildings, high above where the plane crashed, leaving her no way out.

There was one good thing that happened that day. E & I realized that life was too short, and we decided to have a baby.
My beautiful, smart twins came out of that horrible day and the evil people felt for Americans.
They healed me and one day maybe they will heal the world.

Don't Vampires Have Access To Tanning Creams?

I have to know: who thinks this guy is hot?
Is it just me or does he look like a cross between Dylan McKay circa early 90210 years and siamese cat?
I got drawn into the Twilight hype via twitter and read all the books as fast as I could. Then I made E take me to see the movie and I was disappointed in how ugly I thought all the characters were. When the book describes in painstaking detail just how beautiful each character is and you cast ordinary pretty people who happen to be super-dee-douper pale, then I get disappointed.
Call me crazy.

Plus, is the skinny tie back? It shouldn't be.

Also, I was just thanking the sweet baby Jesus last week we are finally rid of Dannielynn pictures/"news" stories and the contact Larry Birkhead had with ET. Now they are back with new birthday photos.
I filed this under "who cares?".

No Dark Sarcasm In The Classroom

I have no idea why President Obama's speech to school children is causing such an uproar.

Do people think he is going to make communists of children through the television screen? Just what is President Obama going to speak about?
According to the U.S. Department of Education, the President will speak about "persisting and succeeding in school." The president will also "challenge students to work hard, set educational goals, and take responsibility for their learning." The Dept. of Education invites "students of all ages, teachers, and administrators" to watch the President's address and encourages "educators to help students get focused and inspired to begin the new academic year."

Wow, challenging kids to work hard and value the education they receive- how terrible, how non-age appropriate, how dare educators make a decision about people's children without their consent.
How ridiculous.

By pulling your kid from school or pressuring the school not to show it, you are teaching them- because your political party is not in power, you can disregard or show no respect for the President of this country.
Whether you voted for him or not, or believe in his views or not, you still need to have respect for him. I think the lack of respect for other people is one of the things that is wrong with this country today.
Could you imagine your parents not letting you hear President Reagan or President Bush's speeches to the children of this country?
It didn't happen.

In our school district the middle and high school students are watching live but you can pull your child from that classroom if you wanted to. The elementary school students will watch it tomorrow, they are taping it today to see the age-appropriateness, which I assume it is appropriate for all ages. It is not like the president is going to be dropping F-bombs, I am pretty sure it is rated G.

Instead of pulling your child from a lecture on education, how about using it as a platform to talk to your kids about the speech and what you agreed and disagreed with.
Now, wouldn't that be a novel idea?


I would love to know if you are letting your children hear Obama's speech today and why or why not.

At Least He Doesn't Have A Mullet

My husband E, started losing his hair in his late 20s. A little less on top, a little less on the sides every month. He wasn't as proactive or outraged as I wanted him to be and just went with it.
I, on the other hand, was outraged. If it was me I would have bought every cream, every shampoo visited every doctor and sold my sole to the devil for hair implants (ala Jon Gosselin).

He took it in stride told me it was because he was much more manly than other men because he had EXTRA testosterone (like you need more of that) fist bumped his chest and went off to masterbate.
Or something.

Then in December of 2006 without marital consult, he shaved all his hair off. I couldn't believe my eyes. I was now officially and forever going to be married to a bald man.
I never saw that coming!

Last night I was half jokingly telling E he should just get a wig.

Me: you know, you should just get a wig already.

E: ::blink blink::

Me: so you have a very awkward one day, after that it will be over.

E: are you kidding me?

Me: NO! there are two approaches, you can just go into work one Monday and say "I now have hair, enjoy my follicles of hairiness!" or you can just go into work and say nothing at all. Sure they will talk about you behind your back but they will get over it.
Worst case scenario: you get a cool nickname form your coworkers like "freak" or "hair today gone tomorrow".

E: what if I get a red wig?

Me: can you stop making a joke out of this, I am serious.

E: I am hungry.


So there it is, I will forever be married to a bald man who doesn't care I don't like bald men and eats in bed.

First Grade

Today I put my kids on the school bus for 1st grade. All mothers have done it, it is nothing new, it is an old story that you can find practically on every parenting blog on the Internet. Until it is your turn.

The past six and a half years were leading up until this moment: leaving the house and being in some one's else care for eight hours a day. There is just something that is not right about that.
Wasn’t it just yesterday that I drove my twins home from the hospital at a snails pace?
How does a mother let go of their child’s small hand so they can dip their toe in the ocean of the world, when all they want to do is scoop them into her arms and lay under the safety of a tree and just be?

These are my precious babies, no matter how old they will become, so I will do what every mother does:
I will send them to school. I will walk them to the bus, I will place them in the care of others and I will watch as the bus drives away.
And I will hold my tears until they are in the distance, crying for the little babies that were and for the amazing people I know they are becoming.

First grade.
It is a big deal.

The Happenings

The past two weeks have been crazy for the Tuesday Girl household. The company I blogged for went out of business, locked me out of my site, refused to let me buy my domain all in 5 minutes. I needed to lose that extra income right now like I need a hole in my head.
Good times.

So, I had to start my own blog with my very little knowledge on how to do so. I had some help, figured some things out on my own and still need some help on things I cannot figure out, but I am getting there*. Go check it out and bookmark me: www.parentingourkids.com. I have reviews, articles, tips and giveaways, actually right now I have two giveaways going on that I know you will love.

The vacation was amazing and the only thing I hated about going on it was leaving my baby. I have never been away from any of my children that long and although I had been wishing for a break for years, when it came down to it, it was a hard decision to make. Everywhere I went in Colorado I saw babies and tears would spring to my eyes. I missed him and although I knew the type of vacation isn't for a baby, I still wished he was there.


This weekend I am off to General Mills and the Betty Crocker kitchens. We will talk about meal planning and what makes life easier in the kitchen. I hope they don't mind if I sneak into a closet and stay there forever.
I think it will be so much fun seeing how they come up with new foods and give them my feedback on what I think they can do to make foods more family friendly.
If you have anything you would like me to tell General Mills while I am there, I will! Just leave your feedback/question/concerns in the comments.
Check on my other blog (www.parentingourkids.com did you bookmark it yet?) and twitter for updates and lots of pictures from this trip.

When I get back it is the first day of school for my first graders. I know they will do well at school, but how will baby K and I do without them all day long?




*anyone proficient in wordpress want to help a girl out? I need some tweaking help and will pay you in virtual kisses and ad space.

Colorado

So, Colorado.
I won this Epic Summer Vacation trip from Mom Central and it was terrific. E couldn't go because of his new job and K couldn't go because 1 year olds usually don't like being awake for 12 hours with no nap in sight.
I took the twins and asked my mom if she would like to go with us and off we went.
I did things I have never done before like hike up a mountain with an elevation of 12,500 (we didn't hike the whole mountain), rafting, rode a gondola and experienced all of this and more with my kids. They had an amazing time and I know it will be something they will remember forever.

On our rafting trip we stopped and all got out on the edge of the banks. Overhead there was a cliff that you can dive off of and a smaller 6 foot cliff for the kids. Someone asked who was going up to dive off and mentioned this once-in-a-lifetime event. I don't know what I was thinking as I climbed up the steep, dangerous cliff. I know more than one time I thought about backing out and if the cliff wasn't so steep and loose I would have.
Someone jumped off, then another person and then it was my turn. I carefully walked out onto the ledge and the guide started a count down. I was scared to death and even as I type this now, my heart is racing and my palms are sweating. How could I make myself step off of this rock and free fall?

I couldn't hear anything.
I wondered should I step off or leap. Everything was quiet as I just stepped out. The 25 foot fall was so quick but slow all at the same time. When I landed into the water all I saw was bubbles above my head. It was dark.
I popped up above water with my ahnds in the air feeling victorious.
My hands and legs were shaking for an hour after that from the adrenaline.
I couldn't believe what I had just done. My kids were cheering for me and then they each took their turn jumping off the 6 foot rock as I cheered for them.
I have never been more proud of my kids.
We took risks, met new people, had fun, laughed and enjoyed everything about this vacation.
We missed the boys back at home but had plenty of stories and pictures to share.

Now we go back to our lives already in progress.

Rocky Mountain High

The twins, my mother and I went to Colorado last week. It was amazing and more about it soon, well as soon as my ears stop popping and I can walk in a straight line again!

Just Make Sure He Is Rich

R "Mommy, I don't know who to marry!"

I am exasperated when she says this. She talks about marriage and marrying her father often in a way that is very cute and innocent. But as her mother I want to grab her by the shoulders and yell into her face "You don't need a man for anything, you can be whatever you want without a man. You can be independent. Never answer to anyone! Who needs men anyway?"

Instead I answer "you know R, you don't have to get married."

R: eyes wide as saucers " I don't?"

Me: "Nope! You can get married if you find the right man but you don't have to get married"

R: "But you wanted to get married right, Mommy?"

Me: "yes, but I found the right man"

R: "I am worried I want to marry the Jonas brothers* but other people are older than me and I don't know them yet and I know they are going to marry older people"

Me: "you don't even know the Jonas brothers, maybe they wouldn't be perfect for you like maybe they don't like to color or watch Princess movies. Maybe they don't like blond hair or to sing...wait, oh yeah.

R: "gotcha, they DO like to sing"

She got me alright.
I just never knew conversations about getting married would be so serious and would come only 6 years into parenting. ALMOST makes me wish for the death conversations involving my Dad to come back.
Almost.


* really how the heck does she know about teh Jonas brothers anyway? Stupid school!

How To Save A Life

There is a common theme to my life that seems like a positive attribute to have on the surface, but when you dig deeper, you realize it is a destructive path.
I want to save everyone.

When I was a teenager my parents got divorced and it devastated me. I mean, I could see where the path was headed, my parents fought- often. It didn't mean that it didn't come as a surprise and a terrible blow to me.
When my parents fought/argued/disagreed I would silently stick up for my father. I thought of him as the underdog, one who couldn't do what he wanted to do without being yelled at. As a married adult now, I know now that the problems were something he brought on to himself.
Marriage is hard, I get it.
When he moved out, I was nervous for him- who would wash his clothes, make sure he ate homemade meals and what would he do without us? I felt more sad for him than I did for myself.
I wanted to be the one who took care of him. Even though I was only 14 and didn't have a clue about life at all, I wanted to save him.

Fast foward a couple of years and one fucked up boyfriend later and I was in the same situation -new man. I had been dating a self-destructive guy who was sweet and loving when he wanted to be, aloof and kind of mean when he didn't.
He didn't have a supportive family actually his family was really messed up so I wanted to be the one to give him that.
The only problem was he didn't want it.


When someone really close to me did something I never thought would ever be done to me or my family my first reaction was to be livid. I wanted to physically kick the shit out of this person. The weight of my anger would come out of my fists and I would feel better.
Very surprisingly this feeling didn't last very long. It was replaced by hurt/sadness/incredulous and the feeling of wanting to help. To help the person who could not have done this in their right mind. To get through it together.

It is a recurring theme in my life.
I am not perfect, I have faults and problems and issues like everyone I tried to save. I am going to have to focus on why I want to be the saver, the heroine, the knight in shining heels.

Before I try and save anyone else, I first have to save myself.

Still Hot

I still got it.
Even after having 3 kids who did unspeakable things to my bod, been married for almost 9 years and have little time to dedicate to myself or personal grooming. I still have it.
How do I know this? Well, my supermarket tells me so.

Let me start at the beginning, ever since we moved to NH from NJ in February I noticed a strange phenomenon: people are always staring at me. After the first week here I asked E if he had the same thing happen to him, he agreed: New Englanders were starers.
I decided that when people stared at me in the grocery store it was because they haven't seen someone so lovely in so long.
That is my reason and I am sticking to it.

Then just yesterday at the checkout line the bagger in my line who was in his early 20s, decided to make small talk.
I was SO on to him.

Him: So, how is the weather out there?
Implied Sexual undertone: I want to get hot and steamy with you

Him: Wow, 3 kids?
Implied Sexual Undertone: I'll still bang you

Him: Do you want your milk in a bag?
Implied Sexual Undertone: Too many things to even type. I mean really!


It is getting to the point where I can't even leave the house with no makeup, 3 kids, and dark circles under my eyes anymore!
I won't even get into the free cheese my octogenarian deli counter man.

School Time

I have been preparing for sending my kids back to school. I can't believe the summer is almost over! I have mixed feelings about school this year, it will be their first time in school all day.
K and I will miss them.

In preparation I got to try out some new snacks from Lance. They are perfect for school lunches or park trips and my kids love them.
Would you do me a favor and go on over to my other site and leave me a comment? I will return the favor.

After I am done crying about my babies growing up so fast.

Tapinoma Sessile

We have a little problem here in our house in the big woods of New Hampshire- ants. Not the cute, cuddly little ants you see on the sidewalk, or even the smart cool ants from the movies.
These are huge, black, ugly ants. They grow them big here in New England. Bugs that is.
I know what you are saying to yourself "Tuesday Girl, why do you have to bring color into this?" and my response is "because it is my blog and I would hate them the same as if they were white ants, or ants wearing tiny yarmulkes, and I am an equal opportunist hater. Of all bugs that enter my home. Call the Rev. Al of the insect world if you must".

Ahem.

So these big ants were everywhere in my house and at first it was mearly annoying but quickly progressed to total gross out.
Plus I was using all of my precious tissues* to kill them with the enormous strength of my hand. The squash is so satisfying, I love knowing a trespasser learned his lesson.
I only wish I could leave a picture of his dead corpse with a teeny little newspaper by it on my front steps to warn the others of what lies ahead dare they enter my home.

I almost second guessed myself when I saw a ant carrying a fallen brother- one of his comrades if you will, back to their fortress of evil doings. I hesitated, maybe if I let this one live the others would rally around the corpse screaming "WHY? WHY him? He was a good soldier". They would learn their lesson, go about evil in someone else's yard and all would be right with the world.
Instead I just squashed him with my tissue and went out to buy ant traps.

I mean there is only so much compassion I can give something less then 2 inches long.

Just ask that guy I dated in 1992.



* I personally keep kleenex in business. I love tissues and blow my nose probably 20-25 times a day.

The Rhythm Is Gonna Get You

So.
What are we all thinking about birth control? Good? Sucks?

After we had baby K, I was a weepy-wanting-more-babies mess (sappy post on that to follow shortly). Having another baby was/is not an option, we are not financially stable. So we did what every other under insured adult and/or teenager would do when still wanting to get bizzay but not wanting to pay for birth control: we use the rhythm method.

Sure we could have spared a few dollars for some condoms and I could have sent E to buy them because I still think the checkout girl is laughing at me and god forbid it is a grandma-type lady I may die.
Also, I hate my vagina smelling like gross prophylactics for 12-18 hours, call me crazy.
The pill? Been there done that. The patch made my skin break out.
Kinda hate all the other options and I repeat: we have no insurance right now, so that leaves us with the rhythm.

We are the rhythm nation.

Of course the one person who should not take risks or pregnancy chances is moi since I am pretty darn fertile and tend to drop more than one egg a month and some of my eggs occasionally split.
This game of chicken is better left unplayed, but still we play it one hand at a time, for 14 months now.
Sooner or later that bus is going to catch up with us and run us right over.
Splat.

Good thing E got a job with benefits. First thing on my list to do: call for a vasectomy appointment. It is his turn to have someone shove sharp pointy things in his junk. It is time for various exams of his private parts and if I could arrange a visiting school of med students to watch I sure would.
**********

Me: "I am writing about doing it with you on my blog today"

E: weird scrunched up face

Me: "well, not about doing it about our lack of birth control"

E: "Can I get some props about my performance in bed?"

Me: weird scrunched up face

E: "C'MON!!"

Me: "Only if I can live blog your vasectomy"

E: "NO!"

Me: "Fine, I will live tweet it. It is a beneficially health lesson. Kids need to know! IT'S FOR THE KIDS FOR CHRISTSAKES!"

E: "N O"

Me: "with pictures!"

E: storms out of room


I am soo live blogging that shit.

Three Hearts Walking Around The Outside Of My Body

I haven't written about my kids lately so I thought I would update you and jot down these memories before they are lost somewhere in my mommy brain.

L is my first born (by 1 minute) and he does not take on that role at all.
He is still as sweet as sugar. He is the follower, he looks for his twin sister to lead. He is quiet and a little shy and wants to please everyone in a different way than R wants to please everyone. He wants to make sure he doesn't make anyone mad or hurt, she would like the praise of being "good".
He fell into the deep end of a pool in May and all of a sudden forgot how to swim. I yelled for him to swim but he went under, came up and went under again. I was the only one watching 5 kids in the pool at the time so in I went with my clothes on to rescue him. I can't even think about what would have happened if I wasn't paying attention, or walked away from the pool for a second. Those are thoughts that creep in at night and I push them right back out.
The trauma of that led him to believe he couldn't swim at all, so I signed the kids up for swim lessons. L did wonderful and has overcome his fear and is swimming like a pro. I am proud of him for that, he is brave.
He is making easily friends here in our new state and picked up where he left off in NJ and once again became the "best boy" in school.
He loves sports, riding his bike, berries, kefir, animal planet, ice cream and helping me bake.
I love my sensitive, sweet smart boy like no other.

R is feisty and always has been. If there is ever a kid to put your money on- its her. That is not to say she won't be a handful as a teenager- at 5 she already acted like she was 15. She wants to be like the bigger girls, instead of just enjoying being where she is in life.
She is smart and quick. She tries to get away with things and when you call her on it-she gets mad. She has a temper like her mother.
She is an actress and would love to sing and dance on stage.
She will have to learn the hard way that just because she is quick and beautiful doesn't mean everything will be handed to her forever.
She loves her twin brother, and bosses him around like hired help. They can fight like an old married couple but if you separate them, they always sneak back to each other. That is the sweetest part of having twins.

They both started to read this year and I am so happy, I hope they love reading as much as I do!
R loves singing, High School Musical, pasta, Parmesan cheese, drawing, feta and helping me bake.
She is beautiful, and caring and smart and more than I ever wanted my daughter to be.

Baby K. Wow.
He is an amazing baby and makes me want to have a dozen more. He is not the baby who was content to sit in a swing or on his gym or jumper. He has always wanted people around him and to entertain him. We always obliged.
He never sits still, that kid is on the move. He crawled early, he walked at 10 months and hasn't stopped since.
He is sweet and stops to hug me or his toys (while he says "ahhhh!") at least a few dozen times a day.
He loves playing in water, his brother and sister, pasta with sauce, avocado (his FAVORITE), Baby Einstein DVDs and balls. He is an amazing eater with only green beans and tomato being on his "not gonna eat" list.
His head full of curls reminds me of myself when I was a baby. He is a Daddy's boy and E is so in love with this little one.
We can't wait to see who he is going to be, but don't want him to grow too fast.


Since I have had R & L I always say "this stage is my favorite" because really, they all have been my favorites. If I could keep my kids 2, or 4 or little forever I would.
I just love being a mother to these amazing people.

They will change the world someday.
They already have.

The One With Good News- Finally!

Finally after almost two years, hundreds of phone interviews, countless face to face interviews, hopes being lifted and dashed, E has received and accepted a job offer!
The offer is good. It is selling something to pharmaceutical companies instead of being a pharmaceutical rep like he has been for over 10 years.
It is with a small, laid back company and seems like a great fit for E. He will still be able to work with his cousin and when the economy gets back on its feet, and the people get back on their feet the company will flourish.

We have been feeling like we were drowning for all this time and it has been hard and the sacrifices have been great. It was worse than I ever wrote about, partly because if I wrote it out-if I had to see it in black or white, I might just give up. It has been more than stressful and it is visable on our faces.
We have been low.
We can only hope this is the upswing, that we were meant to move to this state and it was for something bigger than we could imagine.
We can finally devote our energy to our family and although we will in no means be rich from this job and the next couple of months will still be a struggle, we can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Thank god for light.

Visitors From Planet Teen

With money VERY tight around here these days, I did not attend Blogher this year even though I had my heart set on it. Today you won't see great pictures from BlogHer parties or witty, inside-joke laden posts from me because I spent the weekend with my two sister-in-laws and teenagers. (cue horror movie theme music)

E's one sister lives in Florida and doesn't visit much at all. His other sister lived by us in NJ and she has 2 teenagers. Both of them descended on us this past weekend. E was happy to see his sisters (one who is going through a rough patch) and they were happy to be back in NH and see some family.


Did you know teenagers are messy? And they sleep a lot but not at night, their best sleep is in the morning. Or afternoon. Or evening, but who is waiting anyway?
They also use a lot of shampoo. They don't know how to hang up wet towels or that maybe bras shouldn't just be left on the floor.
They eat a lot- and none of it was green/was grown/or picked/or can be labeled with words such as "healthy" or "nutritious".
They love to bicker. And Text. Hopefully not sexting.

Who knew?
I am in for a bumpy ride in about 6 years, aren't I?

Body By Baby

Women have enough body image issues, after you have your first child things really seem to spiral downward. Even if you lose the baby weight after you have children, your body is just different.
Assuming you don't have a personal trainer, chef, nanny and plastic surgeon on speed dial like some women do who look like they never even thought of having a baby never mind actually birthing four.
I am talking about YOU Brooke Burke.

Even if you decline desserts and try and fit a workout in, the kids will kill any bit of self esteem left.
Like when my then three year old daughter told me my nipples were HUGE. Not the Paris Hilton huge-meaning-fantastic, either. Huge.

When ever I am in a fitting room with my twins or getting dressed/undressed, because what do 6 year olds know about p-r-i-v-a-c-y, they watch me have bowel movements for christsakes, they stare.
Not the good stare like you got in clubs in your 20s either, these are can you believe what we are seeing stares. Mouth agape stares.

Then they are all like "what are those markes on your stomach" and I am all "helllooo, stretch markes from your big asses" and they are all like "Oh, okay" and I am all like "HEY! stop with the judgements! Try and have 15+ pounds of baby in your body AT THE SAME TIME and see what markes appear on your bod. The bod I made you by the way, in my stomach, therefore producing markes of stretch".

Yeah, that will teach them to barge in on me when I am getting dressed. At least I avoided the hair grows there? talk with my friend- the Brazilian.

Comfortably Numb

Did you ever have the experience where something has happened in your life and it sucks and is devastating and maybe strange. Anyway, this things happens and you still have to do regular mundane, routine things and all the while you are looking around wondering how these people can just go on with life.
It is like watching the world from a new perspective. Like watching time pass with a bug's eye, 12 views of it all.
Like going through motions with a viel over your face. Things are muted and that is okay with you, you can't take the bright sun or crisp views just yet.


I have been thinking about those times recently. Like the day after I was told I was having triplets but they are measuring very small and please go home and wait to miscarry them.
It was this small window of time where I was pregnant, but not.
My body was still tired and queasy but now it was all for nothing. I had dead babies inside of me and I felt the urge to just blurt it out to people I saw on my travels.
The people who were just going on with life's daily chores. The same ones I did to keep my mind off what was happening to me. Of course, that didn't work. It never does.
It was like I was holding in this big secret and nobody knew it but me.
It was limbo.

"How can you go on?!" I wanted to yell from my car window. I wanted someone to see my red brimmed eyes at the grocery store and hug me and whisper into my ear "I know and I am sorry". I guess you don't get that when you live too far from your best girfriends.
Tomorrow you tell yourself, the veil will lift a little bit.