At Least if Someone Sees It You can Say It is A Hat

For once I am at a loss for words........................

It is what you think it is.

I wonder why she is reading the paper? I bet it is the directions to see how that f*cker works!

Happy Friday!

Grass Grows in New Jersey

I have to make E stop by today because the landscaper is pissing me off. He said our grass is too long and blah blah he has to double cut it, blah not good for the mower, blah it will cost you an extra $15.

Um, dear landscaper isn't if your fault that the lawn is too long? Isn't that, I don't know, your job??? He is lucky he took of his shirt and is giving me something to look at while I type this. Very lucky.

Can my doctor call my back with my blood results? I waited until Thursday now she is just taking liberties.


I was raised Episcopalian and I am so happy to have other one welcomed into the fold. The Episcopalians love the gay people, and apparently one that gets divorced twice, cheats on his wife, gives his Israeli national boyfriend a high paying job and uses NJ tax money to pay for troopers to drive him around the turnpike to get hummers at rest stops.
They are forgiving peeps.

They are ALL Vampires

A few things to report in the last week or so in my life that I have not yet reported to you, my faithful readers:

1) I had blood taken by a woman who had poison ivy. No really, she didn't just have dried calamine lotion all over her face, I heard her on the phone with her doctors asking about her "condition". Of course she wore gloves when she took my blood, poorly I might add, but she didn't have on gloves when she was fingering my insurance card or paperwork.
I was so caught off guard by this and I did and said nothing to her because I am a coward. You would think my OCD/germaphobia would override the coward in me, but it didn't.

2) My hottie landscaper is back and he is hoT with a capital T. He is also like 21 and I could be on sketchy territory here but what the hell, eye candy is eye candy.

3) I called my doctor's office yesterday for my aforementioned blood work. Of course with my luck I called at 4:15 and according to the message on the blood work hot line, they will return calls left after 4pm the next business day. Frick.
They called this morning and told me my doctor was not in and she likes to review these results first so she will be in tomorrow and review, and then call me with the results.
Needless to say this does not leave me with a warm and cuddly feeling inside, it scares me. I have had enough bad news for one lifetime and any delay for any reason leaves me panicking.
I have diabetes! I have multiple forms of cancer! My thyroid is not working! It is the gout isn't it? Am I going blind? Hypertension! Is something wrong with MY COLON, JUST LAY IT ON ME LADY!

Yeah hysteria is the new "worried" in my house.


Men, don't forget to go here for all your mother's day needs.

This One Is For the Men

I have a ton of suggestions on what to get your wife or mother for Mother's Day on my other blog.
Go check it out and let me know what you want for Mother's Day.

Baby Dreams

I was talking to my sister this morning, like I do every day. She is bored and tired of being stuck in the house because of her broken ankle. Her oldest son is in school but her youngest is just 22 months and she can't drive or go outside with him. They are stuck in the house every day with each other, although there are many more annoying and bratty kids to be stuck with.
He is a sweet boy who is so very attached to my sister. He clings to her over anyone my mother, me or his dad. My sister complains about it but secretly I know she loves it. He is her baby.
Most importantly, he is her last baby.

The day I came home from the hospital, I remember crying on my bed. E came into the room and asked me what was wrong. "I want another baby! I want to be pregnant again, I miss it." I told him.
He knew my sadness was powered by my hormones, after all I was so big and so uncomfortable especially that last month, I complained all the time. Why would I want to go through that again?

I always wanted another baby, and after my miscarriage, I doubted it would ever happen. Maybe I would never want to try again just to be overcome with sadness. Maybe it wasn't meant to be.

I think that time when you fully reconcile that with yourself " I will never have another baby", has to be one of the most powerful moment in a woman's life. Whether it is a decision you make or one that is made for you.
It is powerful, it is closing the door on that huge part of your life, it also can be liberating, but no matter what, it will happen.

I think my sister has mixed emotions about her baby getting older and more independent. Where her older son has not needed her for so many things he does for himself now, she sees her baby breaking away slowly, things that only a mother would notice. I understand that.

I have never made that decision with myself. To not have another baby. To leave that behind me.
There were times in the last year where I thought that I wouldn't have another baby. Cancer scares, miscarriage and a triplet scare will do that to you.
All I know now, is that I am not ready to make that decision.
I don't want to give up on baby dreams.

Party Weekend

Instead of napping I hear my daughter in her room singing "girlfriend" by Avril Levine. It is so cute that I can almost forgive her for not napping.
Almost.

On Saturday the kids had a birthday party to go to. When they received the invitation on Tuesday my first instinct was to decline because I knew E was working and I would have to attend this party by myself and actually interact with people, a area where I have regressed in since moving down here. Notice I still have no friends. It has only been four years.
I knew i had to take them because they would have so much fun and it was a nice change of pace for a rainy Saturday.
We went and my kids had a blast and I even interacted with some parents. Wow, what a novelty.

Now if only I could get an invitation to a party. They kind where the fruit punch is spiked and the bounce house is strictly for drinking games.

Maybe You Should Need A License to Become Parent

I like the show 30 rock but have never been much of a Alec Baldwin fan, or any of the Baldwin brothers for that matter. I love Alec on 30 Rock, but when I heard that recording he left for his daughter via TMZ the day before all Alec hell broke looses, I couldn't believe he was talking to his daughter.
I mean who calls their child a "vile little pig"?

Really though, I am certain that many of us have said things to our spouses or children that would seem pretty bad if it was broadcast around the world many times over. I know I have.
Should you call your child names, ever? No. I do believe he loves his daughter as much as Kim Bassinger does. Or I chose to believe that because if they were just fighting over this little girl for power and spite over the other person, I could lose a little more faith in humanity and I don't have that much more to spare.

Alec was on the view today spewing incoherent ramblings and almost breaking down a few times. It wasn't good. I really think that he and Kim have got to leave their shit at the door and do what is best for the kid. Why do so many adults forget that?

Why do so many adults act like children? I think I will go to Alec's website and suggest he rent irreconcilable differences.
Maybe Drew Barrymore can teach them.

Water Excess

Today R went to work with her Dad. I dressed her up, E fashioned a little name badge for her and off they went. E was up against tough competition because today was "show and tell" day at school and she was on the fence about what was going to be more fun.

E promised her a nice lunch out so she went with him, but made me promise she can bring something to school next week to show her friends.
So far she is having the time of her life and I will be blogging about her day on my other blog.

I am trying to drink more water. I am drinking two of my smart water bottles which is about 50 oz. Great, I feel better, I am not really drinking soda at all and I have a little more energy. The bad part? I cannot leave the house.
I have to pee every 14 minutes. Peeing so often is a real pain because I go upstairs to my bathroom. The downstairs bathroom has been taken over by the kids, who really are gross and even though I clean that bathroom every day, it always seems dirty.
I go pick up the kids from school, I pee before I leave and as soon as I get home.
Seriously, I can't take this peeing anymore. Granted my bladder isn't what it used to be after being pregnant with the kids, but really, who has time for all of these bathroom trips?
I have better things to do.
Like wonder when my hottie landscaper will be back.

Confessions

I throw away at least half of the candy my mother in law send the kids. They never know.

That is my true mom confession, and there is plenty more where that came from. Won't you join me at my other place and send me your parenting confession?
Pretty please?


edit: DD nominated me for Hottest Mommy Blogger, probably just out of pity because of these great pictures, but that is fine with me.
I am just happy to pimp out my blog with the badge!

"Well, they gave me gonorrhea!" "Who? The government?"

I just came back from the happiest place on Earth.
No, not Disney the OBGYN! I swear, I hate getting my exam, but it is a necessary evil. I try to make myself feel better, but remembering Madonna even has to get the "exam" as well as Barbara Bush. I don't know why this makes me feel better, but it does.

I took pictures! Why wouldn't I? I did have 30 minutes to kill before I saw the doctor. It should surprise me I had to wait so long because my appointment was 9:30am but it doesn't because this office is notorious for their wait. I do so love my doctors, so I put up with it. For now. But the bitch behind the counter who made me get up and fill out a tiny space on the forms which were insignificant to anything I was there for, my insurance or my bod, and on a form I have filled out 569048 times in the past year, watch it because it is just a matter of time before I go off on you. Stop acting like your job is so important that you cannot be bothered to be polite. Whore!


Here we go! Just had my blood pressure taken, and it was perfecto as usual.
These socks that go over the stirrups are mocking me. they know it is a matter of minutes before I hear "a little further down. More. A little more".













Here I am trying it out fully clothed for your pleasure. These stirrups are comfy when you have shoes on. Damn! I forgot to wear socks. Good thing E painted my toes last night. Thanks E.







Here I photographed the observable fact which is sweeping the nation and will hereby forever known as H.U.P.

Hidden Underwear Phenomenon

We don't know why we must hide the underwear, especially knowing minutes later someone will be inches away from our whoohas, but we still do it.
This time, I switched things up a bit and instead of stuffing them under a pant leg, I put them in a pocket!
I am so crazy!








Nothing comes between me and my Calvins.


Now I am standing here taking pictures of my stuff while with one hand holding up the thin paper blanket over my front, leaving my bare ass exposed to the door which could be opened at any moment, leaving me so embarrassed I may melt right there.
I live on the edge.






I would have taken more pictures, but I was too scared I was going to get caught. The last thing I need is to be blacklisted at my OBGYN.
Really, that would ruin my whole week.

Spring Blues

Finally after days and days of raining and flooding we had some beautiful weather here in NJ. It lightened my mood for the first part of the weekend, but I couldn't help myself feel blue yesterday.

I think it is the onset of spring, when I take out my capri pants and shorts and Ts and realize I need to lose weight or all my clothes are ugly and old. It is really depressing. Plus, ladies, is it me or are all the shirts out there now for us remind you of maternity shirts? Long Ts and belted empire waists? No thank you.
It seems like all cute, printed t shirts are for men.
I mean I am not wet seal but even though I just celebrated another birthday, I am SO not ready to be LL Bean yet either. I am inbetween where leggings under my oversized shirt and blet do not fit, but I refused to call it a day and start wearing sweaters with kittens all over it. I vow, that I will never wear a kitten sweater. (funny because I always threaten my mother with one of those god awful "Grandmas sweethearts" sweathirts with a picture of a rainbow and clowds or something equally god awful, and has a list of all the names of her grandkids. She gets pissed when I say that because I tell her she will have to wear it "for her sweet grandkids, What will the kids say, mom, when their grandma won't even weat the special sweatshirt with all of their names on it and the matching hat?" Do it for the kids!)

bottom line is: I need some fashion suggestions.

Plus, I know I love black. I always wear black, especially tops, all black, but in summer? Not so much fun. It really is too hot to wear black all the time but I find myself always going for the shirt or pants in black. Maybe I will have to go with white.
Black or white? Who am I, Victoria Gotti?

How exciting is this post? Really?

Listen, what do you want I have a gyn appointment first thing tomorrow morning and I am dreading it already.
Yuk.

And The Goodbyes Make The Journey Harder Still

In February I wrote about my anniversary of sadness.
That is the date that you have in your head of things that were meant to be or never was. I have to add another one to my mental calendar book, today should have been my due date.

Unfortunately I lost the babies I was carrying almost 10 weeks into my pregnancy. Today I should have been celebrating being a new mother again, but, I guess that was not supposed to be. I try to have faith, but sometimes I feel when I trust in a higher being, in faith, I am eventually let down.
I am sick of being disappointed.

Today I will try to celebrate life with my husband and two perfect, healthy, beautiful twins. I will go and buy some flower bulbs, ones that will reappear each spring at this time to help remind me that there is beauty everywhere even if I chose not to see it.

I will not let anyone know about my anniversary. I will keep it to myself, mourning for what should have been while being grateful for what is.

Before and After

I have exciting things to do today. I need to purchase a lime and a thermometer. I know, I can't contain myself either.
Seriously, I never could imagine this good life when I was working 40 hours a week, going out to lunch at fabulous places, shopping for whatever I want on my lunch hour and spa treatments whenever. I thought staying at home with my kids was going to be really good.

Look at me now, lime and thermometer shopping. So hip and cool!
The biggest decision today is to go to one or two different shops for these purchases.
I may even go crazy and purchase an iron supplement, because pooping is overrated.

Even if I have no purchased anything for myself in longer then I can remember, my daughter's prayers before dinner last night made it all worthwhile:
Thank you god for our house and our family, thank you for Daddy working so hard, thank you Mommy for making these noodles, and the bread.........and butter, she is the best cooker, she is the best Mommy"

Yeah, that makes it all OK.

Grooming for My Doctor? Why Do I Care?

I didn't get the message from God to build an Arc.
I am so sick of this rain.

Today I can't talk about how shitty this world is, or how the 5 days of rain and winds are driving me insane.


No, I am warning you, today I am going to talk about pubic hair.
Get out now while you can. Just click that little red x in the upper right hand corner.

OK, well here we go. I cannot bring myself to get a Brazilian wax. I just can't get on all fours in front of anyone, never mind someone ripping hairs from my innermost sensitive places. At least not without a promised orgasm.
I have been the recipient of a regular old bikini wax. It is fine, it hurts but what doesn't?
So, I have taken to shaving.
Everything.
It is a menacing task which requires you to contort your body into positions not easily achieved and various tools. AND unless you like stubble you have to do it often. It is a bitch but I do it.

Which brings me to my problem. I have a gyn appointment next week and I am too embarrassed to show up hairless.
I have no idea why, I mean it is common nowadays and really, who cares what my doctor thinks of my grooming practices. After all it takes quite a while so why not show it off?!
I guess I will let some grow in so as not to be so embarrassed. really what I should do is write the words " I know, I know, scoot down more" for my doctor but alas, I am not that hairy.

Spring Has Not Sprung

Spring? Where?

Not here in NJ. It has been raining no less then 32 hours and there is no end in sight. Not cute little spring raindrops either, full on rain and last night I just knew the winds were going to rip off the roof. That would have sucked but what would have sucked more is the satellite dish would have went with it, and you know how I feel about my TV time.

Today will be more wind and rain as this nor'easter pounds the East Coast and shows them what a bitch mother nature really can be, and you certainly cannot leave because all the airports have cancelled flights here in the tri-state area.

I hear my sub pump working and that is a great sign, although the fact it had to go on at all is not great.

Oh! And it is freezing here, high of 47 today!! Break out the bathing suits, pronto!

So how is spring working out for you??

Also: today sucks.

My New Life

I woke up in just a terrible mood today. It may be the weather which is cold (wtf?) and rainy here. It may just be I like to be a bitch sometimes.

I went to the grocery store already this morning with my kids which is a terrible situation for a myriad of reasons. I remembered when I was the person with the small cart with a baguette, some imported yummy cheese, 4 containers of yogurt and a ton of fresh herbs in my cart.
Now I am the loser with the huge ass shopping cart with the stupid car attached so both kids can fit in the cart and one is not in every shoppers way. My big ass cart is filled with bulk paper towels, juices and 15 packages of chicken breasts, because lets face it, besides chicken what the fuck is there to eat?
My goal for me today besides getting something for my kids to eat?
Take a shower.

I have huge aspirations.

Massages For Everyone!

My massage was awesome and the entire time I was wondering why I don't get them as often as I used to. I wonder why 60 minutes can't go that fast when I have a gyn visit.

Maybe they should offer a massage while you are getting a pap, then I would look forward to the visit, and also offer it at the dentist. Head and neck massage when you are getting your vajayjay checked and a leg and foot massage when you are getting your teeth cleaned.
Best idea ever.


Who watched LOST last night? God, I love that show, but my brain hurts from all the new questions that arise when they give you one answer. I have a million theories in my head about that island.

Massage Away My Sickness

Today is the massage day. All the strange things that go on in my head can't stop me from enjoying my 60 minutes of bliss. I will let you know how the underwear hiding and upper thigh massaging goes.

I have become a hypochondriac since my dad's death and my thyroid issues. I guess that is normal. I went to my doctor yesterday because I felt a lump on my throat, not where my thyroid is, on my throat. I have also had a sore throat for a couple of days and I was dizzy a bunch of times last week and add to that, my hair seems to be falling out in massive quantities.

So of course I think I have throat cancer, vertigo and female pattern baldness.
the doctor said she "wasn't overly impressed" with what I thought I felt on my neck. She said the dizziness was probably from my sore throat/inner ear thing and I forgot to tell her about my hair falling out.
Then last night I had a nose bleed and now I think I have leukemia.

Also? Is it possible to have a freckle turn into a raised mole that is cancerous?
God, I am a mess.
Let's hope the massage will cure it all.

Massages

My birthday was great. Cake was involved so, how can the day be bad? We have eaten three different cakes in four days. Not a bad record, if you ask me.

One of my birthday gifts from my husband is an hour massage at my hair salon/spa tomorrow. The appointment has been made with the "best" masseuse.
I have to get into a mindset to get my massage, which I indulged in often BK (before kids) but I realized I haven't had one since a pregnancy massage when I was 8 months pregnant. I am due.
I have to keep calm and not worry during my massage, are my legs hairy? does anything about me smell? don't pull that towel down too much my fat is hiding! are my boobs peeking out? do I have back fat? Ohhhh, her hand is going up a little high on my thigh, is she going to touch it? That is too high! Alert, alert, she is going to touch my vagina, easy lady!

Oh things like that don't go through your mind when you have a massage? You must be normal.

I am not.

Not to mention I still get mad at myself tucking my underwear under my clothes like I do at my gyn's office, but I have to do it.
I mean, there is nothing like making sure nobody sees your underwear on a chair, in the corner, when you are lying nude on a table and going to be touched all over by another woman.


BTW, when/if you get massages do you always go with a women or man?

Raw Eggs, Easter and Birthdays

I survived with having four kids here again. We colored eggs and that went well, but I guess I had too many eggs in the pot and I didn't boil it long enough because when R was stamping an egg and it broke, we discovered they are not all the way cooked. Whoops! I guess E will not be having egg salad this week.

Easter was good, the kids were really into finding eggs this year and it was so much fun watching them. We went to church then breakfast with my mother, drove my sister and her kids to my Aunt's house and ate drank and watched kids play. What could be better?
Coming home with two sleeping kids, having some (more) wine and watching the Sopranos with my husband.

Today? Well, it is my birthday. I am planning on resting, having a nice cosmo, eating cake and hanging with my peeps.
Go Tuesday, its your birthday.................................

Fridays

What I am up to today:

• It is E's birthday today so making a nice dinner and a cake
• My 13 yo niece and 11 yo nephew are here until tomorrow morning, so entertaining them
• trying not to drink to excess until at least 4pm
• finding something to wear for Easter
• trying to stay sane
• eating tons of meat because Jesus told me to do so
• boiling eggs
• coloring those eggs
• bathing kids who have egg color all over them
• drinking

And what are you doing this fine Friday? Happy Easter!

Me, Just Me

I am officially out of the closet.
I am writing recipes for the Hot Moms Club now and I feel good about my decision to stay blogging here, but be "out".
Somewhat. You can check out my interview in March with storkcalling.

Wow.
That was hard and strange and liberating all at the same time.

Keeping it Real

Go on over and check out my post on real mothers. You are all tagged to comment on what you think a "Real Mother " is.

You also must tell me how to stop eating my kid's Easter candy that I just purchased yesterday? At this rate it will all be gone by Friday.

The Tax Man

My town sent a nice man to come reassess our home (insert sarcasm here) which is so terrific, I can't even tell you.
Please Mr. Tax Man can I pay more property taxes even though they are the highest in the country and even though you just upped our sales tax this summer? Please?!!!?

Anywhoooo, they were scheduled to come out to our neighborhood between this day and that date, I paid no attention. Yesterday I went home to visit my poor sister in the hospital so she wouldn't kill herself from boredom and to tell her Hey! I didn't kill your kids or mine while they were in my care, and let her bask in my parental awesomeness.
She did.
I guess yesterday was my tax reassessment day and I missed the guy but he left a lovely note stating he will be back between 5:30-7:30pm. Great!
I returned to my lovely over taxed home at about 5pm and I made dinner and went about my business until I heard a knock on my front door.
Tax man cometh.

Here is a list of things that poor man had seen and heard in my home the 3.5 minutes he was here:
2 nude children running around
1 nude child crying that she hurt "her vagina"
my "hottie" underwear drying on top of the washer
2 nude children bathing
a filthy, gross, cat puke ridden basement
1 bra strewn on vanity chair

All in all I would say it was a great time. He made me feel better by telling me he has seen it all: dead animals, nude people, nude kids, filthy houses. Which made me wonder all at once, where do I apply for this job of his and when can I get this guy drunk because those are some great drinking stories.

She Wants a Sister

I am still alive.
So are all four kids, which I guess is important too.

I would love to know when I will be able to shower though.

Yesterday my daughter told her teacher and her class that I was pregnant and it was a girl. L backed up her story and the teacher asked me about it since I hadn't mentioned anything. She has been talking about me having a baby a lot lately and I wonder where it is coming from.
Of course when I was pregnant last fall we made the huge mistake of telling them before we had our first ultrasound. Bad move. The kids would ask if I had a baby in my belly and I would just tell them, no, we had made a mistake but then the questions stopped.

Maybe she thinks that if she says it, it will be true?
This family is so strange.

Target or the Gap

This afternoon after I pick up the kids from school, I will drive 1.5 hours to pick up both of my nephews and drive 1.5 home with them. they are staying with me until my sister gets out of the hospital which is going to be a few more days.

I am going to have 4 kids under the age of 6 in this house. All day. I can't even leave because my car does not fit 3 car seats and 1 booster seat unless one wants to ride in the front seat or the trunk. You think I am crazy right?
I am, but more importantly I love my sister and this is sure to score HUGE sister points. Perfect timing for sister point since my birthday is in like 10 days and although I will not age, I will be accepting gifts.

I have a plan though. I am going to let them race each other around the house until it is bedtime. Sounds great right? Right?

If you do not hear from me in a few days you know I have died and I would love to be buried by Target.
Let E know.

Zack Braff Where Are you?

It is not bad enough my sister fractures her ankle 10 days ago and that she has a 6 year old and a 19 month old. It was fun! when she couldn't walk up the stairs to put her sons to bed or put her baby in his highchair to eat or that even her husband works 16 hour days in a row and then is off for 4 days.
Which is great, except for those two 16 hour days.

That wasn't bad enough, now doctors have found blood clots in her leg. Dangerous blood clots. So she sat in the ER for 12 hours not moving her leg one single inch so as not to dislodge the clot(s) and send them shooting to her lungs or heart or anywhere.

She is finally in a room but has not eaten or had anything to drink in eternity because the doctors still do not know what course of action to take with this clot, or maybe they already have a master plan, but we would not know because no doctor has made an appearance for 12 hours.
I am sure they have more important things to do like buy a golf club, count their money or scratch their old, dirty balls.
The last one was just a guess.

This is the care you get in one of the best medical centers in NJ.
Where are the doctors from Scrubs when you need them?

Beautiful Day In The Neighborhood

An Easter package came for my kids last night from Florida. You know what that means, death by candy from the grandparents.
I swear you would think they are dentists by the way they are trying to drum up business. I think we have received no less then 3lbs of jellybeans, mystery bunny head shaped candy and chocolate.
I am not complaining about the chocolate because I have stashed it for myself.
My ass does not thank me.
before we got the package I made a big old pound cake. That was a mistake.

I may go into Housewives of OC withdrawals tonight. I miss the show already. What grown man is named Slade anyway?

Spring has decided to give us a taste of the good life here today, it is going to be 77 degrees. Not much for some of you people, but for us? It is a little slice of heaven. I have already opened all my windows to allow at least some of the germs that have festered in here all winter to escape.
It also means I am way overdue for a pedicure. Who wants to go with me?

Doobie Muppets

I loved the Muppet's when I was young. When I took my kids and nephew to the theater to go see Muppet's Take Manhattan last summer I realized I knew all the words and songs. My nephew thought I was crazy.

Little does he know.

My favorite muppet is Beaker follow closely by Floyd Pepper the bassist from the Electric Mayhem band.

Thinking back on the Muppet show, Floyd always seemed high as a kite. I never put two and tow together but it all makes sense now, the hat, the Gerry Garcia vibe, the two tone unwashed hair.
Then E was watching some 70s music show and I realized who Floyd was mirrored after: Skunk.

That is right, a Doobie Brother. A Doobie Brother.

Now we know what Jim Henson was smoking.

After all this information, now who do you think Dr. Teeth was created after?

Dumb Adults

We took the kids to the aquarium yesterday and all I have to say is, if you are an adult do you think it would be such a bad thing if you moved out of the way and let a small child see the fish?

I swear people are such rude, idiots!


More later, I have a theory about the muppets that has shook me to the core.

Family Oriented Neighborhood

Yesterday afternoon E was playing with the kids in our backyard when he found this:

This is not our garbage. I swear.

I do love that someone in our neighborhood is getting it on big time with the pleasure pack. Not even with 12 condoms but with 14!

AND it is a variety pack too! I thought the only good variety packs were donuts. I stand corrected.

Things seemed to have changed since I was in the condom buying market of society. Twisted Pleasure condoms?

It sounds like a "adult" drink I buy in a four pack. The Trojan website says that twisted pleasures have a "special twist at the closed end". I can't say enough how this fascinates me.

Then there is Mint Tingle which has mint flavor, fragrance, and color. Does that not sound like it would burn your vagina? I don't really get that one.

I do get Her Pleasure which is textured for her pleasure. Can it also give me a pedicure? That would really be my pleasure.

Lastly there is Shared Pleasures which has warming lubricant for both partners. I am not sure about this. It depends how warm. Warm like a fresh baked roll or like a fiery yeast infection?

Whatever your pleasure, I am glad I got to peek into the ever changing world of condoms and to whichever neighbor bought them, I wish you luck.

edit: now go read my interview for storkcalling. Look under: our blog

Are You There God, It's Me, Tuesday

I had a busy day yesterday. I went to my hometown to visit my Aunt in the hospital, have lunch with my Grandma, two of my cousins and step mother, then visit my sister and her new cast at her house.

I felt like I was on a UFO tour. Throwing out some jokes, watching my daughter R, sing and dance and the bye! Hope you feel better soon! Got to go before we hit fabulous NJ rush hour traffic! For anyone out side the tri-state area, the traffic is everywhere at every hour, every day.

Last night I treated myself to an Ambien after I watched LOST, (his Dad pushed him out a window and then appeared on the island? WOW!) and I have no memory of the night just the sweet deep sleep I was in.
It is so great.

I appreciate all of your comments on my problem with this blog. I know I will keep it, I love it. I just think I will be outed soon because I already have agreed to write at a new place and I also agreed to be interviewed about my blogs.
I will be outed, you will know more about me and my life, and I think I am ok with that.
Now I am off to erase any incriminating evidence and hope that my friends and family who find this blog either go away from boredom, or never bring up my vibrator or shaving habits at Thanksgiving dinner.
Or maybe that will make for a more fun family get together?
Nah.

Help

I have a problem.
I am not sure what to do with this blog.

When I started this blog it was to write about my life, catharsis or a cheap alternative to therapy. I wrote it for myself but also not to feel so alone, to remind myself daily that there are people who feel the same way I do about motherhood, life and or being a SAHM. I never told anyone in my real life about it besides my husband.
I didn't want to have to censor myself, I didn't want to have to omit things in my life because I didn't want my Mom, friends or sister to read it.

I have always kept this blog separate from my life and the people in it, you don't know my real name, you don't know my husband or my children's names, I don't share our pictures. I never wanted anyone in my life to find this, but it is getting harder and harder.

Now I wonder, so I shut down this blog and just continue with my parenting blog? Do I censor myself and remove a ton of old posts in case I am "outed"?
Do I just come out of the blogging closet with my name and face and everything else?

I want to know what you do.
Why do you remain anonymous? Do people in your life read your blog and are you censoring because of it?
I need you all to help me with this decision, come out like it is de-lurking week.
I need my peeps.

Spring Cleaning

Well, it was about time wasn't it?

Thank Ro from Ciao! My Bella!. She was great to work with and fast.

I was going to go crazy if I had to look at that old stupid template from blogger for one more second.

Yay!

Falling Down

Last week it went from 75 degrees on Wednesday to an icy rain storm that pelted us all day and later turned to snow, on Friday. Good times.

Turns out on Friday night my sister fell in front of her house and hurt her ankle and knee. She tried to wait out the pain but yesterday she went to the ER and found out she broke her ankle. And she has a 6 year old and a one year old. And her husband starts his new hours today which is a 16 hour day. I was going up to help her today but she told me not to worry about it, she will just keep the baby downstairs for naps and feed him on the couch instead of the high chair.
I hope she does ok.

My Aunt fell on the ice outside of her sister house on Saturday. She broke her knee and her ankle and had surgery last night. She will be in the hospital for a while.

Last October my Grandmother fell and hurt her knee badly she had to have surgery and is still going to rehab.

What is wrong with my family? Why is everyone taking a tumble?
I better be very careful walking.

People Are Strange

Simon Cowell said on his 60 minute interview that he was asked to watch some couple have sex and rate them.

Simon also says on 60 Minutes that he was once asked “to come to [a couple’s] house and comment on him and his wife in bed.” He says, according to the New York Post, that people “were both in their fifties and he was going to pay me $100,000 for it,” but he said no. “I stupidly turned it down. I should’ve taken the money, because it would be a much more interesting story now.”

WHY would someone want to do this? Also who would love to give me $100k for commenting on their sex? I will do it for 10k.
OK, you got me, I would do it for $100.00.
I have things to say.

I would never want anyone commenting on me having sex, and I certainly would never pay someone to watch me.
Lets face it, if I wanted to hear how fat I was or how I am doing everything wrong, I will just invite my mother over.

Mothers

I have my mothers lips.

If you ask me who I resemble, my mother or my father I will always quickly tell you my father. I do look like him. Except for my mothers lips.
As a child people would always say I looked like my Dad and my sister looked more like my Mom. It was a truth I knew.
As I age it becomes more apparent. The size, the lines, my smile. They are all from my Mother.

I don't talk a lot about my Mother on my blog, but blogs are strange like that. We give each other what we want to give. We let you in as much as we are willing or able. Most could all be a lie, the perfect marriage, the big house, the smart kids.

My Mom is great. I have had my problems with her and we fought a lot when I was growing up. We butted heads, maybe because I was more like my father, stubborn, proud, headstrong, typically Irish. They couldn't stay married so maybe the qualities I possessed bothered her about me too.
I am not sure.
I love her. She is strong and so loving. She always finds the good in situations, too much so sometimes. She believes there are reasons for the bad. She has faith in her god. Again, maybe too much sometimes.

Maybe that is what I need more of in my life. Maybe like the glimpse I catch of myself in my mirror, as time passes I will realize I am more like my Mom then I ever thought.

My Home Is Falling Apart

My dishwasher is comign tomorrow and never has anything been more awaited since I had over 15lbs of babies residing in my uterus.

Or since my Dyson arrived.

Or since E came home from a business trip

Ok, so I anticipate everything with utter excitment, but if you knew how much I hated washing fucking dishes by hand, you would know how excited I am.
I will rewash everything E washed because I just realized how terrible at dishes he is.
Speaking of E he brought me home a chocolate martini gift basket from Harry and David. He gets me. Chocolate martinis flowed last night while E tried to put in a new garage door opener.

Yes, home ownership really sucks sometimes.

Pizza Day

I was yelled at by my son in front of his whole class last week because I forgot it was pizza day and he had to eat some stinking sandwich I packed for him with love.
Today they asked me no less then 12 times if I remembered to pay the teacher for pizza so they can have pizza with their friends.
I remembered and I even paid for next weeks pizza.
I am really getting a hang of this motherhood thing.

Yesterday I made my children cupcakes because they had been asking me to make them something that was not vegetables or a square meal. They wanted the good stuff and since I do not let them eat sweets or shitty cereal or plain old crap I decided that cupcakes were in order. They deserve shit once in awhile.
I made the cake from a box but made my own chocolate icing and it was so good!

I may or may not have eaten two cupcakes this morning for breakfast.
Hey, I said the kids don't eat crap I didn't say anything about their parents!

If you are in the mood come check me out over here and see what my daughter has been begging me for.

Fights

Lately my kids love to argue with each other. This morning I had to break up a fight over whether my son will have a beard and what color it will be. L said he wants a white beard when he is a man and R said she doesn't want him to have a beard but if he has to have one she wants it to be brown.

@*!%#@#(&!

It is always fun in this house! L also noted that he can't wait to grow up because his penis will grow up too!

I told him I don't care who grows up in this house but once you do, you are all getting jobs.

Sick. Again.

The wellness gods cursed me when I thought to myself earlier this winter, I haven't been sick! I am so healthy! I am a marvel of a woman!
Now I am sick again, this time with a head cold.

Damn you germs!!!!

I have gone too having some sort of stomach bug to my period to a head cold.
I will never be well again!

I have to be better for George, my new trainer on Monday. Did I mention he was hot? Because if I forgot to mention that it was only because I was still mesmerized by his hotness and the hotness that surrounded him like radiant beams. Reminds me of Davis from the Real World.
Very Nordic, very buff, very young. That is just how I like them. I mean trainers, not guys because you know, I am married and I have kids for pete's sake and I will have to drop the kids off at the babysitter part of the gym and so they will be in the building while I am being trained, hard and what were we talking about again?

Suddenly I am flushed but I know it is because I am sick, not because my new trainer, George is hotttttttttttttt.
I am going to lie down now.

Meet George, My New Trainer

Here it is kids, our new dishwasher.

Very exciting, but of course I pick the one that is not in stock and won't be here until next week sometime. More dry hands for me.

Today I finally went to the gym to sign up and take a tour. I have a appointment with a personal trainer on Monday at 9am. That is no joke.

He seemed nice but I hope he has a sense of humor. If you couldn't tell, I am very sarcastic and I want to have fun even with the furnace repair man, I like to have fun. If this guy doesn't get my sense of humor or doesn't want to have fun while he beats my ass to the ground, we are in real trouble.

Whatever the case, it will make for a good story that day. Unless I can't raise my arms to type.

That is a real possibility people, very real.

Open Letters

Dear strange man in random stores:
Yes, I know my daughter is cute, adorable in fact, but do not touch her. I know you are probably a nice man, maybe even a lonely, widowed Grandfather, but it creeps me out to no end. Do not touch her. You are lucky I didn't bite off your hand, and if my husband was there, he would have bit your head off.
Hand to yourself people.

Love, Tuesday

Dear period,
E-fucking-nough already. Don't come 8 days late, stronger then ever, more cramps then ever then disappear for 36 hours and try and come back. You had your chance. I am not going to play peek a boo with you. Come all out or hang out until next month, it is your choice.

Fuck you,
Tuesday

Dear lent,
I didn't give up anything for you. Last year I gave up my thyroid, I figure that will even me up for a few years at least. Plus, what have you done for me lately?
Sorry, but I even ate turkey on Friday.

Love, Tuesday

Dear readers,
Whirlpool or Fridgidaire?

Love, Tuesday

Full Day

The good news is that the gross bug we all had in this house has flown away. The bad news is that my sister and my mother who visited this weekend? Yeah they have it. I just hope my nephews don't get it.

On the agenda today is blogging, a ultrasound on my thyroid, and finally buying a dishwasher. We have been looking at dishwashers forever now and I really can't pick one. The $300 ones really don't seem any worse then the $600 ones. I don't want the best dishwasher since I don't plan on being in this house for more then two more years. Any dishwasher suggestions?

We also need to get (2) booster car seats, a new garage door opener, a quilt for my daughter's bed and curtains for the living room.
That is why I am thinking about becoming a phone sex operator. Or selling E's sperm.
Whichever is more lucrative.

Update

Since we last spoke...................
My son threw up. All night. Three pj changes, two sheet/pillowcase changes, one emergency washing of king size sheets, and one underwear that was tossed because of, ahem....... leakage.
Good times.

Oh, did I tell you that same night, my furnace stopped working again?? So PSE&G had to come out the next morning and fix it and told us that we were ripped off by at least $200 by the company that put in the ignitor and they installed it wrong.
I am SO getting my money back. Bastards!

Last night E came home from work and more puking! It seems that since he "never gets sick, and never throws up" the karma gods decided to show him a virus that can still kick his ass.
So it has made its round to my entire family in ten days and lets hope it doesn't want to go around again.

I am so sick of doing laundry.

Wax On Wax Off

Yesterday was a crappy day but was vaulted into mediocrity when I finally got a much needed haircut and my eyebrows waxed. I usually get my eyebrows threaded, but my salon doesn't have that service so I went with the wax.
It hurts more, but it is a good pain.

I did learn that eyebrows are sisters not twins. So I can feel less self conscious that one is longer and higher then the other. She evened them out as close as possible but I can still tell. Maybe I should have a shirt made that says they are sisters not twins, but why draw more attention to my breasts.
Hell who am I kidding, my breasts are fabu and they love all the attention.
Did you know breasts are sister and not twins also? I did, because my one is slightly bigger then the other which I only realized recently when one kept peeking out of my new bra and also because that is what my waxist(?) told me.
She is so freaking wise.
I love her.

Now, the dilemma is do you let the one you love wax your most private of areas? I like the girl, she was so sweet, she met my daughter, she told me about her wedding, I feel we are too close to be nude together, unless I am going to have an orgasm at the end.
Ahem.
I think I will have to retreat to a new unknown salon for my bikini waxing needs and let my new friend stick to waxing my eyebrows.
Maybe, if she plays her cards right, my legs too.

My Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Ok, get comfortable and get something to drink, this is going to be a long one.
Because I knew E was away all week, I made plans last week with my family to go up and visit yesterday. I wanted to go see my friend who had her baby last week, visit my grandmother and maybe have dinner with my Mom.

Then I started not feeling so well, like I said, last Friday. Tuesday night I did not sleep well, I thought maybe I was pregnant ( I am not) and I was tired and grumpy yesterday morning. I decided getting out of the house would be good for me and the kids even though I was dreading the 3 hour round trip that I had already done twice in 8 days.

I got up at stopped for lunch at a great place we love to go to that has been around forever, and my sister and her youngest met us there. I let the kids each have a milkshake because they were so good in the car and they had never had one before. Everyone ate a lot and we headed over to my Grandmother's house. We visited we saw two of my cousins and had a nice time, then we went to my friend's house. We visited, held a cute new baby boy who is so sweet and left a about an hour later. From there we met my Mother for dinner. My daughter wanted grilled cheese which is her very favorite standard order. It came and she didn't touch it. I thought it was because she was so tired, she hadn't napped all day, but then she said her stomach hurt. We thought it was because she was hungry.

We take her food home and my son's unfinished pizza say good bye to my Mom and get on the road at about 7:40 pm, which is their bedtime anyway.
I get onto the NJ Turnpike and go about 10 miles and my daughter started throwing up.
In the car.
With nobody to help me.
Yuk.

I had to go another 15 miles before I could get to the next rest stop. I was going as fast as I can while trying to calm her down because this is only the second time she has thrown up in her little, short life.
I pull in and I try to clean her up, but it is everywhere, chunks of disgusting hot dogs and pickles. I wanted to die, I am a gagger and I tried so hard not to puke too.
I get her as cleaned up as I can and get back on the road, I just want to be HOME. A couple of miles later she is puking again. Then 5 minutes from home, again. She has now successfully soaked her coat, her pants, her sweater, her brothers coat and every inch of her car seat.

I couldn't carry her in because she was covered in puke. I had to walk them around the side of my house and let us in the side door because my garage door opener is broken. Fun!
I had to strip her all the while she is shaking and saying how cold he is, then put her in the shower. Then I had to get her dressed, put the nasty clothes in the wash and get her brother dressed for bed.

At this point I am sweating and cursing E for being away when all hell brakes loose when I notice it is really cold downstairs. I check the thermostat which says it is 57 in the house but the target temperature is at 67. I turn it up. Nothing.

I call E. He asks me to go into the basement and check the blue flame of death in the furnace. I don't see any flames.
Shit. We have no heat.
The curse of when E is away on business strikes again*.

I had to call our plumbing company which charges us for a overtime charge plus parts and labor or I could wait for PSE&G to come out between 12-4 today. I couldn't wait. If it was just me, I would have frozen but R was sick and I didn't know how cold it was going to get at night, I didn't want to chance it.

More then I was going to spend on a new dishwasher later, the furnace is working. The part the size of ipod was replaced and I remarked how anything that little should not cost more then $10.50. He was not a man with a sense of humor.
I knew I should have worn something more cleavage revealing**!

So that was my day, one of the worst in recent memory. I am glad E is coming home tonight, I am glad I got my hair cut today and my eyebrows waxed, that I can take a sleeping pill tonight, that my daughter feels better but likes staying home and snuggling me on the couch, and that I will finally have a decent cup of coffee tomorrow.

I am tired.



* things that have gone wrong while E was away on business:
-Mom's cat has diarrhea all over my house, new carpet and kid's expensive couch
-water overflowed in toilet and I had to touch gross old pipes and turn off water to bathroom and then live there for one more day before he came home
-dog was so sick and had peed and diarrhea all over my still new carpet, she was dying and died two days after he came home from trip
-water heater exploded all over basement! Fun!
-got a call my Dad was dying and if I wanted to see him get to NYC fast.


** I actually debated whether to change into something cleavage revealing to maybe favor my odds in getting a better price. Hey! It works!
I was too tired.

Post #1

you will NOT believe the day I had yesterday! It was a long terrible day and I will post about it a little later. I am finally getting a haircut and my eyebrows waxed so as soon as I get back, I will write a long assed post about it.

Waiting Is the Hardest Part

I am still not feeling 100%. I toss and turn at night, I threw up on Friday night, cold clammy the whole thing. On Sunday night I had diarrhea and didn't sleep all night. I went to my endocrinologist Monday afternoon and had blood work done as routine to check up on my thyroid. She threw in a pregnancy test because I haven't gotten mine yet, but I took a home test and it was negative.

I am thinking the upset stomach and puking was due to the potatoes I ate Friday and Sunday nights, all from the same big bag. Now, I will never eat potatoes again and that is a strong stance coming from a Irish girl.

I am hoping to hear back from my doctor's office today with results from my blood work. I hate the wait.

E doesn't come home until tomorrow night and I still cannot make a good cup of coffee!

Today

Kids are asking me 299 thousand questions a minute.
E is away on business.
L has a cough,
I am so sick and have been since 2am on Monday.
I have to go give blood again today and I am beginning to think all doctors are vampires. I have given blood at least 20 times this past year.

Sick. Alone. No help. Ugh.

Cleaning, Sandwiches and Business Trips

Is there anything really better then a BLT sandwich? I am craving one and I think that I will run to the store and get the supplies. I use turkey bacon and although I am so used to it by now, I don't think it tastes one bit different just a little less greasy.
I think baked potato soup would be great with it except I have never made it before. I will have to go look that one up!

Today I went to target and loaded up on my dwindling cleaning supplies and detergents. I needed it because I noticed how dusty all the pictures were in my office. Gross.

On Monday E leaves for another business trip and I will be left here bored and sad. These are the times I really miss living close to my family & friends. It would make the days go by faster if I could have a friend or two over or have dinner with my Mom.
Sigh. Maybe someday.
When I win the lottery.

Sick Of Winter

Ask me if I have any creamer?

Every day of my life I go through the same thing, I hate taking a shower, I procrastinate anything but take a shower and then I feel great afterwards. That is until I have to blow dry my hair for a good 30 minutes. Then I am grumpy again. I do like the summer though because I never use a hair dryer in the summer and if I wash my hair in the morning and put it up when I take it down for bed that night it will still be damp.
That is one of the best parts of summer.

Well, that and the ice cream man.


I am still done with having to make all the dinner decisions in this house because really? How much chicken can one family eat? I have a few ideas for you over here in my other, other blog.

Creamers Rule

I am tired because I have tossed and turned every night for at least a week. Plus my coffee was crap this morning because we were out of my favorite fat free vanilla creamer. That is such a terrible start to an otherwise perfectly fine day.

The one thing that is keeping me going is LOST tonight. I am still hopelessly in love with this show and it always keeps me coming back for more.
I am also loving Scrubs, The Office, anything on NBC where they throw pedophiles onto the ground and arrest them, King of Queens (where did that go?), Grey's (Mer cannot be dead her name is in the title of the show!) and How I Met Your Mother. Reality? I also like (small voice) Real housewives of Orange County, anything on MTV and any show where people who don't clean their house or their bodies swaps with a mother who gargles with Lysol and washes her floors with a toothpick.
Those are my quilty pleasures along with liking the song "sweet home alabama" and cutting my children's nails.

Oh, and if my husband doesn't come home with some vanilla creamer? Dead.

Complete Me

I had a great time yesterday, besides the sitting in the car for 3 hours there-and-back part. Stupid holiday traffic.

Anyways, I got a chance to see my friend and some other friends and her new baby who is sweet and small and snugly. I want one.
I wonder will the baby fever ever go away? Will one day I say "aww a cute new baby, that is sweet but I am complete with what I have"?

I wonder if anything will ever be enough for me. I don't think I am an overly needy person but sometimes I feel myself wanting more. More love, more "things", more money, another baby.
I want to be happy and in the moment. I want to feel complete every day.

Is it even possible?

Baby Love

No real post today because one of my best friends had her first baby last night and I am going home to visit her!! So exciting.

I have to get dressed, order flowers, call her for silly details like the name and when she had him for crying out loud!

sigh. I have such baby fever now.

Meme

Amanda tagged me with a 6 strange things about you meme. As if I don't write about how strange I am every day, you need six more?
OK well here you go:

When I was young I would eat spaghetti and applesauce. Hear me out, as a child my father's parents didn't have a lot of money and they had 7 kids. Applesauce was a side dish for them and so my dad was used to having it on the side of his plate, and then mine. He never would eat it with spaghetti or anything Italian for that matter but I loved my applesauce so why not? I remember going to a restaurant and wondering where the applesauce was for my pasta. It was a sweet/savory thing I guess. Thank goodness I have grown out of that habit!
Gross.

I hate the band Rush. The singer's voice will send me into convulsions. It was my sisters favorite band in high school and she would play it all the time. Probably just to piss me off. That is not that weird but it is a point of interest.

The hair on my legs never really grow. I can go easily a month in the winter before I have to shave them. Because I waxed them so much now the hair on the back of my calves never grows and neither does the hair on my thighs. I never have to shave above my knee.

I have a half sister and a half brother who are going to be nine and seven in about a month. My parents divorced when I was a teenager and my father remarried when I was 19. I love my sister and brother so much and I wish I saw them more often.


My foot grew one half a shoe size when I was pregnant and never returned to my 8.5 status. Now I am a huge 9 in most shoes. I was hoping my shoes weren't fitting because of swelling but no such luck. My nipples got bigger also, but that is for another post.

You can get me to do anything if you kiss the back of my neck. It literally gets me weak in the knees.


Now let me comment on Amanda's 6 strange things. Her answers are in bold:
1- I am celebrity obsessed. I am not obsessed but I do read US magazine and people every week. And Perez. I read him every day..
2- I like really HOT water. I hate hot water. I take cold showers in the summer and as warm as I can stand it, no foggy steam showers in the winter. I hate how drying hot water is and plus there is nothing worse then getting out of a hot shower into a freezing bathroom in the winter. .
3-I sometimes do sexual favors to get things that I want. Amanda you little minx. I have friends who do this too.
4-I am addicted to text messaging. I have text messaged maybe 10 times in my life.
5- Craigslist is so freaking funny that I love to read the personals and wonder who responds to those ads.
Its me Amanda, I respond to those sex ads. No just kidding but I read them too, plus you get to see penises.
Penisis? Peni?

6-I am obsessed with nightgowns. I haven't worn a nightgown since I was 10. I am going to start! I will buy myself one today!

How fun! I tag anyone who wants something to write about today! : )

He Is WAY to Excited About Ricotta

I don't have much to say today besides that it is freezing! here and I am wondering why I wished for winter to come at all. God it is so cold.

I m also mad that itunes or my computer will not let me burn a cd I wanted to burn and I have no idea who's problem it is or how to resolve it.
So, I will ignore it until I get in the mood to solve it and then I will curse a lot.
Which may mean in an hour from now or in two years.

Again I find myself without an idea for dinner. I think I am going to use a recipe from Tyler Florence that sounds so yummy. Usually I steer away from Tyler because he always gets eye level with his food and that makes me nervous. I mean you want to see what you are doing but do you have to french kiss the food? He also shares his spoons with the strangers he teaches how to cook specific dishes. Dude, I like you and thanks for showing me finally how to make shrimp scampi but I have no wishes to swap saliva with you.
Freak.
But, you know, thanks for the recipe.

winter

Just Another Day

Thank you for all your interview well wishes. The interview went OK, it was short and sweet. He seemed surprised I wanted to work part time instead of full time, but I did tell the girl who called about my resume that I was looking for the part time position that was open.
He also didn't seem like he had any sense of humor and that bothered me.
I mean, C'mon.

We will see where it goes if they want me back for another interview I will hear about it in a week or so.

It has finally snowed here and rained and iced and iced everything again and it should rain again and then snow before the day is through.
I can't complain though because everything is quiet outside and it is beautiful. Pictures to follow.

I Am The Epitome Of Lazy

Today is my job interview. You know when something seems like a good idea at the time, but once it is time to execute it or buy it or whatever it is, you realize that it is a terrible, horrible idea?
Yeah. Me too.

I don't feel like going on a interview.
To top it all off it is snowing for the first time today. TODAY. When I actually have to leave the house and pick up kids from school and dress "professionally" and drive somewhere I have never been and let them judge me.
Fun!


Did you ever put on pants that you have worn and washed many times just to see a big tag that says "remove before you wash or wear"?

MEN: Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. Check out my ideas is you were forgetful again this year and ladies? Don't sweat it just pick up some man flowers. (beer)


OK, well, I am off to my stupid interview. Wish me luck.

I Am Sure To Win Mother Of The Year

The kids haven't been going to bed for me very easily. The get up and play. They go full force, turn on the light and trash their room.

Sometimes I think it is because E is not home to put them to bed. Every night he sings songs to them and plays his guitar, I cannot do that, or I would, but they don't want me to.
Last night E was home and put them to bed, but still they got up and played despite threats and warnings.

SO, I hatched a plan. What if to get back at them, when they woke up in the morning we suddenly had English accents? We would have to do it all day and we couldn't break character. It would drive them crazy.
Fun for everyone, right?

This was the funniest thing I had heard last night, but perhaps that is because of the cosmos I was downing. So there we were in the family room watching the Grammys and repeating " 'ello Governor" over and over.

Then we decided we should do that once every few months or so always changing the accents one month Jamaican, the next time maybe we will just speak to them in Spanish all day.

The only problem? E cannot speak in any accents. He just kept repeating 'ello Governor over and over again. He ruins everything.

So when do I get my mother of the year award?

Nothing is For Dinner

I strive for variety but I feel like I make the same stupid things for dinner all the time. I know in reality I don't but I am sick of my menus.
What I am also sick of? This conversation:

Me: I am going to the grocery store, do you want anything particular for dinner this week?
Husband: no
Me: anything you have a craving for? Any suggestions?
Husband: No
Me; Well, maybe you can think of something you would like because planning, buying and cooking dinner 6 nights out of the week is bleeding me dry.
Husband: Well how about tacos or hot dogs?
Me: goodbye

This is the dialog we have every week or so. I don't know why I persist. He always suggests hot dogs or tacos, which by the way, eww.

Maybe if I do a weeks worth of dinners that are not his favorites, he will suddenly have an opinion.
Or maybe roasted chicken it is.
Again.

The New Me?

I am venturing back to the life of the working woman. Working out of the house that is. I decided to get a part time job for some extra money (duh) because I would like to buy myself something once in awhile not just kid's stuff and to get out of the house to meet some new people.
My neighborhood is great, if you are over 50, but as for young hip mothers and children? This neighborhood hasn't got it.

I have an interview next Tuesday with a PR company that is local and I totally feel out of my element. I haven't worked in an office in over four years. Is there anything new I won't know? Will I be that odd "mother" type in every office that all the younger kids hate because they are doing all of their work efficiently and making them look bad?
And what the hell is "professional dress" anyway? I think I have always had a professional dress code in offices that I have worked in, but what if I really didn't? Should I go out and buy a ball gown now?

I hate that this is making me doubt myself, just because I took time out to be a mother to people that one day emerged from my body, doesn't mean I have lost my skillz. Or does it?

Oh and I joined a gym yesterday that has a kid's room and trainers and lots of yummy stuff. Even yoga my favorite, but I haven't done yoga since I was pregnant, are there any new positions I don't know about?

Are your guys proud of me?
Seriously, who is this person? Can't be me.

This One Is For The Men. Thank Me Later.

I don't think of Valentine's Day as the one day to say how you feel or give a gift to your lover. I think of it as another romantic day we have together. We want to know we are still loved as much as when we were dating, when we were in the "new".
Women love romance. Here it is men, the total secret to how to make a woman happy all the time, women want to feel as if they are still dating, when everything was new and fresh.
We want to feel special and appreciated.

Roses in any color, unless you know this is your wife's very favorite flowers are best left at the florist.
Too cliche.

I would much rather have a huge bouquet of zinnias or peonys. Send the flowers to her work, she wants her friends to see.
Take one of your wedding photos and have the florist re-create her bridal bouquet. HUGE romance points.

Take a picture of the two of you together, that you both like and have it blown up in black and white and then framed. Bring her breakfast in bed, think heart shaped pancakes and warm maple syrup.
Plut on your wedding song and dance with her, even amongst the mess.
Play with her hair, touch her face.

If you are budget-less plan a romantic long weekend and surprise her the day you leave. Plan everything yourself, childcare, the B&B, pack the champagne.
Buy these.

If you really know your wife well, buy her a brand new outfit and make reservations to her favorite restaurant. Let her come home and find it there on the bed, with a note, telling her how amazing she will look in it.

You will never go wrong with chocolate covered strawberries, buy them at a Godiva store or even better, make them. They sell the easy chocolate near the strawberries in the grocery store, if you can use a microwave you can make these.
Feed them to her after the kids go to bed.

Maybe some sexy lingerie and a vibrator to spice things up. Nothing trashy, nothing out of her comfort zone, no red. Think wedding night.
This gift is really for you so you have to make it romantic.

Life gets in the way of romance sometimes, we have to remember to make time for it.
It is no better time then a cold and bleak day in the middle of February.

I know I was Born And I Know That I'll Die, The In Between Is Mine.

Thank you for all your kind words yesterday, it did help me.
I didn't go to the cemetery like I usually do because it was 9 degrees below zero here yesterday. I couldn't bring the kids out in that kind of weather. I will probably just go myself this weekend.

It is entirely a morbid practice. I buy some flowers, I go and sit by his grave and I clean it up a little, tell him how much I miss him and cry. If my Dad was here he would tell me how stupid the whole thing was and not to visit him. Or cry.
I can't help it though.

I want to think "why him" why so young or so good of a person, why with such young children and why let him suffer? I rejected god. Or the entire idea of a god. I was sick of hearing from my mother that "he" had plans and we can't question them, they will never be answered, or that everything is for a reason. That is a bullshit way of saving yourself from knowing the truth, maybe there is no reason, maybe it just "is".

I didn't want to know that anything good could come from my father dying.
But it did, In the face of great pain, my family become closer. Friendships become deeper. Life becomes sweeter.
It is vital to be reminded of loss to remember to how to love our family and friends while they are still here.

When I accepted death is just a part of life, I felt better. I don't want to search for answers that I will never find. I just want to live my life the best I can, I want to raise good people and my family is the last thing I want to see before my body stops working.

I want to have faith again. Faith in life and death. Faith that I will be able to tell my Dad again how much he means to me and how very much I missed him. Faith that I can tell everyone I know what they really mean to me. Faith that someone will miss me as much when it is my time to go.

That is how I go on.
That is how I will honor my family and how I will honor my Dad.

Anniversary of Sadness

Everyone has dates that they keep in their heads and hearts.
Many only you know and acknowledge and some are shared with a select few.

They are anniversaries of sadness, of loss. There are no celebrations on these dates, there is remembrance, silence and introspect.
Maybe it is the due date of a baby that never was, or the date you met the one that got away.
Today is my date, the one I carry in my heart, the day I don't want to get out of bed, the one where I wish I could erase from my memory.

It is the day my Dad died.

This is my post from last year, and everything is the same.
It is just a year later.

Mmmmm Cookies

E went to the accountant today to drop off our taxes and then he is going to his best friend's house to hang out for the night. He lives so far away from us that he is spending the night and should be back home with us tomorrow at lunch time.
This makes me sad. I cannot sleep when he is not in my bed and I just miss him. Yes, it is for one night and I know what you are saying "get a hold of yourself, woman!"
I will get a hold of myself and my chick hormones.
God, I am so girly sometimes I make myself mad.

Although there seems to be some promising TV on tonight like a special on revenge, which is something I am a fan of.
Revenge, I mean. And TV.
Also, there is a Trading spouces or something of the like on, and since they asked me to be on their show and I turned them down, I like to watch and realize that no matter what other stupid decisions I have made in the past, that one was right.
You know they would have sent me to some George Bush loooving, dirty, goats in the living room, please go out and get me some road kill to make for supper, these are my 12 kids and their lice, house.
Yeah, that was a great decision.

I have already eaten 4 of the most rocking chocolate chip cookies I made last night already today.
Please save my fat ass and send me your favorite joke, youtube clip, video or website.
Momma needs something to do tonight.

Winner!

I put the names of everyone who had a bad period story into my cute pink red sox hat and let my daughter pick a name.
Congrats mamalee!

Send me an email with yoru name and address and I will send you your prize containing some of my favorite things.

The Angel of The Odd

If you haven't noticed I have had really nothing to write about for the past couple of days.

I could talk about how I still have to order over 300 pictures so I can start putting the 500 I already have here in photo albums.

How I have not knit anything in forever and I wish I could just sit down and do it, but I think I lost my knitting mojo.

Or how I am pissed at my children's preschool who have replaced their teacher again. This is the third teacher since September that my children have had. I think the education they get is terrific, but leaving my kids with a stranger for a teacher, just sets them back yet again. The inconsistency is ridiculous and for what I pay, the school is on my shit list.

Maybe I should talk about how NJ is pissing the shit out of me. We pay the highest property taxes in the US, and our sales tax has recently gone up and we can barely afford to live here. I don't have a free preschool program in my school system, although people keep telling us how great our schools are.

Hey did anyone see the Primetime special last week on Camden NJ kids? It was a real eye opener especially since I live relatively close to Camden and to Moorestown NJ which last year was voted best town to live in the U.S. They are located 10 minutes apart and one is the poorest, most crime ridden, saddest city and one is filled with rich white people and the occasional Eagle football player.

Instead I will leave you with the fact that my napoleon dynamite chapstick has run out and I couldn't find a new one at 5 below. I am very sad about this.

Winner for the worst period story will be picked out of a hat tomorrow!