Strollers

I went to the mall today ( I know! I like to live on the edge.) with my twins (are you laughing at me?) and I thought I could get some shopping done.
HAHHAHHSHHSHHAAAAAAAAAAAHHAAAA!

Yes, I am crazy. This post isn't about how fucked in the head I am, well yes it is, but what I really want to talk about is stores.
And by talk, I mean complain.

I get that I have a twins stroller and not everything is meant to accommodate me and my brood but if I could just navigate one store I would be happy. The clothes racks are squeezed together and clothes always hit my kids in the face.

I always have to remember where the special doors are for the handiapped in each mall so i can try to park by that door so I don't have to open the door with one hand, stretch my body like a cartoon character and try to push the stroller in with the other hand. All the while people come in and out and seldom offer to help.

Some stores I don't think you can navigate a single stroller and who shops at malls besides women with kids??

Maybe stores will wise up and make it more stroller friendly and maybe people will wise up and just move over slightly when you see I am coming or maybe spare 4 seconds of your life and hold the door for me.
If you don't I won't care, I will just run you over with my stroller.
Double wide, baby.

How Many Days Until Christmas?!??

The picture will be up this weekend I promise. I have just been busy and I have even been to Target already this morning and spend over $100 and I still didn't really get anything.
How does that happen??

It seems all the gifts I want this year are hard to find, impossible even.
Just my luck.

I swear I had a point to this post. I lost it with my sanity.

Today is my Father's birthday so I will take the kids with me to the cemetery and then I will go visit with my stepmother, brother and sister. We will exchange gifts with the kids and it will be nice to hang out with them since we won't see them Christmas Eve this year.

I officially sent out my Christmas cards this morning. Finally.
They aren't that great and DD was right, I should have sent out the one with them on Santa's lap. If you haven't seen it yet look here.

Finally if any of you have my new blog on your blogroll let me know because I will
A) thank you
B) add you to my blogroll also.

Hair, Pictures, Kids and More

Ok, Ok, you ladies would call and complain for my color mistake if it were you. I think we all agree it is a lot of money and I should get what I paid for. The problem is I can of like being dark haired. But I think that will wear off soon. As soon as I start to see a single gray hair pop up and mock me from the top of my head and I will pull him out by my trusty tweezers and throw him in the garbage like the scum that he is and I will yell "tell your friends!"

I will get a picture of my new dark do for you as soon as E gets home from work today. Should I makeup up for you gorgeous women or should I appear with my dark circles? Questions, questions.

Yes, I do need my eyebrows threaded, so don't judge but I didn't have time on Friday at the salon and now I am scared I will run into miss illdowhateveriwanttoyourhairandchargeyouuptheass. I will have to go incognito under the cover of darkness.

My kids have been eating me out of house and home. I guess they are having a growth spurt. My daughter does not need to grow anymore, she is often mistaken for being 5 years old instead of three and she is so much taller then L that people don't think they are twins anymore unless they are both in the stroller.
I got back their first class picture from school the other day and they are amazing. It wasn't the standard sit in this wooden chair, smile generically school picture, it is amazing photo studio, special effects pictures.
I was impressed. I wish I knew how good they were before I ordered my red eyed Christmas cards from ofoto. Yes, they have red eyes in the picture but after trying to get a good one, and trying to correct the red eyes but not being able to see if I did it or now, I didn't give a shit anymore.
You know how that is.

Hair Trauma

SO I went to the hair salon on Friday because I hadn't gone in so long. I was waaaaay overdue for my highlights and a trim. I didn't feel well and hadn'e eaten anything all day, I also had this nervous energy and sitting ina chair for hours was not my idea of fun. Since my hair looked like a rat's nest I went.
My old colorist had left this salon so I tried a new girl that came recommended, it is a very upscale salon and it is filled with rich snotty people, but my hair dresser works there and I will never let anyone else cut my hair again ever so I wanted to kill two bird with one stone.

I told the colorist what I wanted, highlights like I have, blond with low lights of brown. I started growing gray hair when I become pregnant with the twins so I wanted to disguise them or camouflage them until they have taken over my head, which with my luck will be in three months.

She told me she understood, looked at my hair, all over, for many minutes.
That killed me. She said how about low lights, I told her that was what I have done in the past, that I do want it to look natural, and I am picky about my highlights, I do not want skunks. (thick blond streaks in the middle of my head).
She starts mixing some highlights and low lights and some other mystery color. I should tell you that I had to wait 45 minutes to even start with her as she was behind.
Pissed isn't the word.

Really I can't type anymore so I will tell you, what ever treatments she was putting in my hair for which in between you have to wait 10 minutes to rinse and repeat, rinse and fucking repeat, it took over 3 hours.
I was crawling out of my skin.
I was screaming in my head, and she took forever. That made my hairstylist behind and she had to wait for me to cut my hair. She was awesome though and understood. I couldn't dry my hair because I had no time left so she spoke to the manager and I did get a free shampoo, conditioner and round brush for free (the brush alone was $30). I could tell my hair looked dark but only until I got home I realized it is very dark. Dark brown.
The color that does not hide grays.
I actually love the color, it is different, and I look JUST like my sister now because this is the color she keep her hair. Everyone always thinks we are twins anyway.
This is not a long story short.

ANYWAY, I had to pay the bill and I cringed because the bitch kept adding treatments and I wasn't in the right mind to ask if they were extra or what in god's name was she doing to my hair.
The bill? $215.00 plus tips. Tips for my cutter, colorist and shampoo girl. I fucked my colorist on the tip because I only gave her $10.

Now I want to call and get my next color free to redo it because this wasn't what I asked for but I am embarrassed. I hated people who asked for free things when I worked retail. I certainly don't want to go when "Lisa' is there. I will have to return only on her days off, which I have no idea when that is.

So that is my travesty hair story. Maybe if I am brave I will post a hair pic later.
What will you give me in return?

Various Shit

Thank you for the love. I do appreciate how lovely virtual strangers are when you need them to be. Your emails and comments made me feel a lot better.
No health stuff for us, just mental, but that is as far as I am going to go now. Maybe in the new year I will feel like sharing what is going on but right now I can't write about it. It is too new.
So lets get on with stupid posts, shall we?

Do you know what I saw on TV last night? A commercial for the clapper.
You remember the clapper right? You clap your appliances on or off.
Well, I saw the commercial from the 80's last night, the same commercial. Did people buy the clapper to begin with , are we resurrecting it just for the holidays or because it is a valuable product? Odd.
I thought the commercial for Chia pets were bad enough.

Why aren't they resurrecting the "where's the beef" commercials?

sigh. Why am I still thinking about this.

I have to tell you about my hair fiasco on Friday. I had an appointment to get my hair done, I didn't want to go because I was pissed/sad/hurt/mad/tired but I forced myself to go because my highlight roots were terrible.
I promise to post about that three and half hours of fun and torment later.

"Between the lines of fear and blame, And you begin to wonder why you came "


I can't post for awhile.

I have to sort a million things out in my head. If you are the praying type, please put my family in your prayers.

Picture time

I have taken no less then 104 picture of my children in the past three days, in hopes that maybe I could get one to use for Christmas cards.
As it is, I will be sending out my cards on December 24th because I waitedso long to order them.
I am usually much more ahead of schedule with these things, but this year, I am not.

You would think with 104 pictures taken, I would have at least a dozen great ones to choose from.

You would be wrong.

Twins don't always do things together, including look at the camera and smile since that is ALL they needed to do.
One looks down, the other smiles perfect, one starts to play with her dress, the other jumps up and down.

At this rate I am going to send out cards with a picture of me crying in a heap on the floor, with my camera in hand.
It will read, "Send Alcohol".

Bras

I can't shake this cold for the life of me. When I do get sick it tend to go to my chest and I wheeze, cough up junk forever and my cough sounds like a dying deal pleading for life.
Fun!

Speaking of chests, ahem. I am a rather busty woman, a 36C or even D in some bras. I have just take inventory of my bra drawer and have found several problems.

1. Some have cups that are TOO small for me
2. some are too tight. Hello 34C, I hope to see you again soon.
3. Some are cheap, shitty ones that kill you all the live long day.
4. Some make me look like I have torpedos for breasts.

So, I am in the mood for some new bras, and I need suggestions for you.
Here are my guidlines, I don't think I like Victoria, but I haven't tried anything from her in years. It cannot cost more then $45 per bra, because, hello, I am not made of money! Lastly it cannot look like it is my Grandmother's bra, no matter how comfy.

Ok, girls, fire away.

Today is Your Lucky Day!

Go on over to my other blog and read about my horrible Christmas stress and how, right in the middle of my mall, I turned into the mother I vowed I would never be.
Plus a rare picture of my adorable kids.
Consider it my holiday gift to you!

Lights

Are we the only ones that have to buy new Christmas lights every year. My husband just took out 15 strings of lights to put on the outside of our house this morning, and guess how many that work?
Three.

Three strings of lights out of fifteen.

Every year I have to go back to the store and buy new lights. What a waste!

:cough:

My kids gave me an early gift this year.

A cold.

My son had a small cold all weekend until about yesterday. Now I have it. I am clammy, hot and sneezy. Not fun.

I am sure with another good night's rest I will be fine. Well, and some chicken pot pie filling soup.
That makes everything better.

Christmas Spirit

Do you wonder why I have to escape to the internet only to find bare bottomed girls? This is why.

These all make various noises and playes many, many Christmas tunes. We are actually missing one or two more that are scattered throughout my house.

These are fun, especially when played all at once, which is what makes my children happy. And they do it over, and over and over again.

help.

At Least Let Your C-Section Scar Heal First!

Is it too much to ask to roam freely around the internets, ready to soak in all the knowledge and answers the universe is ready to give me, without seeing Britney, Lindsey or Paris' bare vajayjay??

Anyone?

Apparently it is, because I have seen more naked vaginas in the past two weeks then Charlie Sheen on a bender.
WTF?

Doesn't anyone where underwear anymore?
A thong perhaps?

Under garments aren't even a fleeting thought when you wear a short skirt, enter and exit cars frequently on your way to becoming America's Next Top Whore, and are endlessly followed by guys with cameras??
Hmm.

I am just glad to see that two children under the age of 15 months isn't slowing Britney's partying.
Good for her.

Say Cheese

Today is picture day at R & L's preschool. Wasn't it just yesterday where I was sitting on my school's stage waiting for my turn at picture day? A free comb and the satisfaction of a job good done is a memory. I will last forever.

Ok, maybe not but I still remember it clearly.
Now it was my turn to do my daughter's hair and find a nice outfit for both of them. Surely I wanted them to stand out for the class picture!

Wow, it is true, I have turned into my Mother.

No Spoil Zone

For the first time in a couple of years I didn't go out shopping on black Friday. I really wasn't in the mood and I didn't really have the money to spend anyway.
Instead I am carefully selecting gifts for the kids, something that they will love and has lasting playing power. Not just anything that is a great price like I will usually buy, with no thought to if they will like it after the first ten minutes.

I don't want my kids to become spoiled, I don't want them to assume, like other children in our family, that if you ask for it you will get it, no matter the cost. I want them to know about giving, about how some children have no toys, never mind the decision of which one to play with.
Every year I buy gifts for a child R & L's age. We also donate to other charities, but this makes me feel better about teaching my kids what the season is all about. I let them pick out gifts for a boy or girl (each year I switch) and we wrap them together.
This year they really get it.
I love that.


Oh, and visit me over at my other site and let me know what you do when you have a child with a BAD cough.

Amanda

Amanda has received some terrible news. During the holidays she will need a huge amount of support from her family & friends. I consider her a friend and this makes my heart hurt.
Let's all go over to her web site and show her some support.

Give Thanks

I went to the grocery store today. I know, the worst day of all the days to go. I woke up early so I thought I could get a head start on the crowds.
I was wrong.

I pulled into a spot and went to get out of my car when I saw what appeared to be a young man in the car next to me with shaggy hair. He looked so strange, he was staring straight ahead, so I eased out of the car to get a better look.
I jumped back, it was a dog!
A dog with shaggy people hair wearing a cut off sweatshirt, a bandana and driving a Honda.
WTF?
I swear it freaked me out.

So this Thanksgiving, I am thankful for not having a heart attack in the Shop Rite parking lot. Because then the dog would have to drive my kids home and I don't know how well he drives.

Food

Continuing our Thanksgiving theme this week, I want to know what is your favorite thanksgiving day foods? Is it the appetizer? Apple pie? Do you like your stuffing with fruit and nuts or traditional? Is there any strange thing you eat this day? Any recipe you want to share is welcomed too!

I loooove white trash green bean casserole. It is the only casserole I like, usually I hate foods all mushed together, but this I love.
I also heart this pumpkin cheesecake I make. I don't like pumpkin pie or muffins, but in this recipe it is to die for. YUM.

The only strange thing we have is lasagna for the non turkey lovers.

Bad Turkey Day

Many people are traveling far and wide to spend Thanksgiving with their families. Some do it willingly, others do it begrudgingly.

I love my family, I have a ton of Aunts, Uncles and cousins that I love to spend time with. Because of the large size of our family it isn't the small sit down Thanksgiving dinners I am accustomed to. Up until I was an adult most dinners were my immediate family, my maternal Grandma and my Mother's sister and her family, we didn't see my Father's family on Thanksgiving, Christmas is their holiday.

So we have a buffet style Thanksgiving now, with everyone bringing something and I love it, but it isn't the same. E & I usually have a small turkey feast the weeks before Christmas, so we can have all of our old favorites just the way we like it.
So, while that is not the worst Thanksgiving story ever, I would like to hear some of yours?
Do you hate your family? To much football? Do people always burn the turkey and the gravy sucks?
Tell me what you do NOT like about Thanksgiving.

Holidays By The Numbers

Number of pieces of Halloween candy still left in my house: 29

Number of Days after Halloween when I called a store and they answered the phone with a not so cheerful "Happy Holidays": 1

Number of days before Halloween I saw Christmas decorations and stock going up: 10

Number of holidays that seem to be rushed through and nearly forgotten: 1 Thanksgiving

Number of gifts I have bought so far for Christmas: 2

Number of gifts I have yet to buy: 34974

Number of dollars I have to purchase the gifts: $0.00

Number of days left in this depressing year: 42

Playstation Hype.

To the man who stood outside Best Buy for three days to be first in line for a playstation 3 game console, I have only one thing to say to you: You are a fucking loser.

You are a grown ass man standing outside a store to get a video game. Don't you work? Contribute to society in any way? Don't give me BS about it is for your kids either, it is for you, because you are a loser.
Teach your kids how to earn $600 for a game then I bet, they will make big changes to their "must have Christmas list".

I know E wants this and maybe I will get it for him for his birthday when the prices go down and "availability" goes up. There is no way in hell even if I had $600+ dollars to spend on my husband either he or I would pay that much a stay on line that long for it.
Fuckity, fuck, fuck you Sony.

[end rant]

TGIF?

After one weeks worth of rainy, gloomy, depressing days, the sun is finally out here in NJ.
Just the clear sky and sun makes me wake up and feel so much better about life. I don't know why I let the weather dictate my moods, and I really try not to let it, but it does.

Today at the grocery store my daughter chatted up anyone who was in hearing distance and some that were not. That girl will talk to anyone. Do you want to hear her spell her name? Her brother's name? The alphabet? ALL the colors in the rainbow in Spanish? Her count to 30?
No? Then do not approach me in any way shape or form.


I am now trying to tell them what to do if they were ever lost from me. They have started walking off in stores and it scares me to death. It stressed me out so much that I try to only take one kid to the store at a time if I have a choice.
Really, I like to leave them both at home!

I have a question for all you ladies, if you have a fight/argument/disagreement with your husband does he just let you go to bed mad wake up and act like nothing happened? Does he just ignore it? Even if there was no resolve to the problem and/or argument?
Men! I swear!

O's list

I am with the majority of you and take the free shit from O, sick as a dog or not.
Whatever you think of the big O, she is giving away diamond watches, cashmere robes and video camcorders and shit. This isn't some rinky dink gift basket from Hickory Farms.
This is big time.

I would take the good stuff from Hitler if he was giving it away.
Ok, maybe not Hitler. We are talking about the best hot chocolate in all of the land and if you haven't had it before, it is worth booking a trip to NYC for it. At least order some for yourself and for me. Jeesh.

Perhaps this says something about my character, about my person. Perhaps it says I am greedy.
It would be right.

Hump Day

I am off to tour New Jersey with a stop in the northern part for a little girl time with my friends, one of whom is trying to get pregnant, one of whom is pregnant and the other who had her baby two months ago.
I do need a little friend time so I am excited.

Here is a question for you while I am at play:
What would you rather do: go to Oprah's favorite things show
or
not get one cold, sniffle or cough this entire year?

PJs

New Jersey is cold in the winter. That may not surprise you but it will shock the shit out of pajama manufacturers. Why, you ask?
Because every pajama I have seen sold in stores lately is a tank top and pants. Who the fuck wears a tank top to bed in January in the northeast?

I received my Victoria's Secret Christmas book yesterday and more of the same filled every page, tank tops, flannel pants and warm slippers.
Now I keep my house warmer then E & I would like to at night in winter because the kid's rooms are cold. I don't like warm pajamas either, like long sleeve flannel sets. I would love cotton pants and a nice fitting (read: not so TIGHT as to sausage in my boobs and not short so when I awake in the night the bottom of my shirt is around my neck) t-shirt.
Is that so much to ask for?
Apparently.

Isn't there a happy medium? Do you have to sweat to death all night or freeze?

Maybe I am crazy, do you peeps wear tank tops to bed in the winter?

Traditions

I was listening to a radio show today, that I sometimes listen to in the car if nothing else is on. The hosts are fairly annoying and they make fun of callers who don't agree with them. I didn't like them before today and now I hate them.

They were talking about how the female host would pick up her husbands clothes because he will just throw them on the floor when he was done, that was her role. She went on to say that she will give a little slack to women who work outside the home because they work very hard. She clarified that if you "get to stay home and raise the kids" that cleaning up for your husband whose gift it was to let you stay home you should clean up his shit.

I so do not agree with the host but I do think that I am home with more not free time but flexible time that I can do things for my husband that I would not be able to do so easily if I worked outside of the house. I will let him know where his dirty pants can go if he wanted them clean, just as easily as he can beg me to check for my hair on the bathroom floor more regularly because it skeeves him.

BUT, my husband is great he has no troubles pitching in, or doing the chores I hate. We do not gender assign chores, we just do whatever we can, whenever we can.

Tell me what works for you in your house. Do you have traditional roles?

It is Friday Already?

What should we talk about today? The fact that my in laws are leaving for their daughter's house in two hours and I am already watching the clock?

Or that I really need some mom friends in my neighborhood so we can have cocktails every Friday night like these women.

Perhaps I should talk about how the candy from Halloween is rapidly becoming extinct. My hips and I have no idea why.

More importantly, am I the only one who looked at my calendar yesterday and realized that Thanksgiving is in two weeks? These holidays are coming fast and furious.
That means Christmas will be here in the blink of an eye or more like 2 more paychecks and where god, where is the money going to come from to buy all the gifts we have to buy???????
Yikes.

How Great Was LOST?

The in laws are coming! The in laws are coming!

They should be here in a couple of hours. Being a great daughter in law, I am cleaning, laundering and fluffing everything in this house.

With all this cleaning, I don't have it in me to write a decent post.
Desperate for something to read though? Join me at my other blog and lets talk about parenting scars.

Randomness

It is a rainy day here in NJ. The gloom and rain had me wanting to stay in bed all day but I heard my son coughing downstairs and coughing and coughing.
Why do coughs linger forever? Why don't cough medicines ever work?

I have a lot of cleaning to do today and I am already on my fourth load of laundry. My in laws are arriving tomorrow (cue scary music).

They will be staying at my sister in laws house mostly, just one night here with us I think. They want to spend time with our kids but my sister in law lives about an hour away so I don't know how often that is going to happen.

I have to finish my grocery shopping this afternoon, I am in the mood for potato leek soup. And snacks, definitely snacks, after all tonight is the last episode of LOST until February!
I am going to get the shakes.

Soup

I posted the potato soup recipe in my other, other blog.
If you make it let me know what you think.
Enjoy!

Dinner Conversation

Me: you know it is soup season. I think I will start with my red potato soup.

Him: Maybe I will make my world famous chicken noodle

Me: It really wasn't that good, plus I had to tell you how to make it so why is it "your world famous"

Him: because

Me: Actually, my doctors told me that it was your chicken soup that made me have a miscarriage

Him: ::blink, blink::

Me: Too soon for miscarriage jokes?

Him: No, I don't think so.

Him: I heard it was sooooo good it killed 'em

Me: Yeah, too soon.

Candy Coma

It may be just in my head but does fun size twix and snickers and Kit Kats just not taste as good as the full size?

I have done tons of research on this subject this weekend and both my fat ass and I agree that full size is where its at!

Inventions

Best Inventions Ever:
TiVo
Head tingler
Bagels
Dishwasher
Chapstick
Hair clips
Nap time
TV
Coctail hour
Kids pants with waist adjusters
Wrap Sandwiches
Table toppers
Memory foam slippers
Ice Cream
Vitamin water
Men

Worst Inventions Ever:
Any Tylenol cold product
Man thongs
Birkenstocks
PB&J in one jar
Anchovies
Pineapple soda
Patchouli
Itchy wool sweaters
Men




Now it is your turn, add to my lists.

Leaves

Today I want to go and look for some child size rakes. The heavy winds last weekend brought down a lot of leaves and for some reason swept all of the leaves in all of New Jersey into our yard.
Since we only have one rake, I need to get one for each of the kids. I mean why did we have kids if it wasn't for the labor??

Sugar High

The kids had a blast yesterday. My daughter looks adorable as Tinkerbell and my son was a muscular spiderman. They had a blast going from house to house. I went with them for a couple of houses then let E take over so I could man the candy at home. I don't know where they went to but I have about 5lbs of candy here that I stole from the kids baskets. Don't worry I left a few pieces of chocolate and replaced some others with raisins and teddy grahams.

We did get a lot of trick or treaters here, but I still have a lot of candy left over. I always over buy.

What I didn't need was a chocolate covered belgium waffle considering all the candy I have at home, but I bought one from Whole Foods anyway and it was one of the best decisions I have made in a long time.

That was gooood.

Boo!

I have a love/hate relationship with being scared. I loved scary movies and books since I was small. I have no problem watching them or hearing ghost stories but going to bed alone after watching them? Not so good.

I do believe in the paranormal, and it really fascinates me. I mean we are all energy, when we die where does the energy go?
I have never had any experiences with ghosts or the paranormal. I don't have any ghost stories that I have experienced.
Do you?

Your job today is to scare me with your ghost story or a link me to your own or someone else's ghoulish tales.



**edit** I do have one weird tale, when E and I first moved in together before we were married we rented this little house that was a guest house of this beautiful mansion. We lived virtually in the woods and it was very cozy.
Anyway one of our cats always we go in our bedroom and sit at the head of the bed staring into the corner of our room. his eyes would dart around the corner of the room, and he would sit perfectly still. I thought maybe there was a bug he was watching but there was nothing there. He always did it until we moved out of that house.

Confession #6

I need a little help from my internet friends.
I have a confession to make.
I feel like a bad commercial even telling you this but here it goes: my whites are never white.

That is right, I have tried bleach, I have tried shout, I have tried it all but the bottoms of my kids white socks are still grey and my white pillowcases are more like ivory. Has anyone tried this?

Now another thing, do you add the bleach to your water with the detergent before you put the clothes in? How much do you use? The directions on my washer tell me to wait 5 minutes into the cycle and then add the bleach, but who has time to sit by my washer and wait 5 minutes?
I did try this but that didn't seem to work either. I thought y washer would know what to do, but apparently it knows squat.

So I come to you, dear internets, for help because I know you know.

Fall Back

I just realized that daylight savings time is only for the childless.
They don't tell you that in the baby books!

Grandma

I love my Grandmother.
She was always my favorite Grandma, she was the one who was always loving and affectionate, she was more fun. You could tell anything to her, she would never judge you or look at you that way that parents do, with disapproval in their eyes.
She knows when you are sad but don't want to burden people with your problems, she will call you on it. She knows, even if you don't tell her.
I love that about her.
She is the strongest woman I have ever met.
The way she carried herself at her son's funeral will stay with me always. How devastated she was to bury her own child. "I am supposed to go first, you never should have to bury your child" she would tell me.
Truer words were never spoken.
Not matter what age he was, he was her baby.
That kind of pain never dissipates.
Still she held strong.

The truth that I know is, when she is called to Heaven, she will never fight to stay here, she will go. To be with her dear son. That makes me both happy and sad.
Sad for myself.
She raised seven great kids. She has eleven grandchildren and four great grandchildren.
She is a wonderful, sweet, generous and loving person.

Tomorrow I will go and celebrate her 81st birthday with the rest of my family. I will hug her and tell her that I love her and that she is one of my most favorite people. She will laugh and say "I am just an old woman, it is terrible to get old" but I know she will feel my words, because she is a deeply feeling woman.

And I, will try to click the memory into my head forever. So I can replay it over and over to myself, when I am a Grandma.

Things That Make Me Pissed Off

Pharmaceutical companies spend billions of dollars annually for research and development. They make drugs, have drug trials, try to figure out the side effects, see how it interacts with other medications and try to cure diseases. Especially with October being breast cancer awarement month and millions of dollars being donated towards this cause, and cures for hundreds of other diseases, I wonder why scientists spend years on an invisibility cloak.

I wonder why all of our resources and brilliant minds focus on, what I think, are ridiculous, frivolous things when there are diseases to cure.

WTF?

Oh, how I love Halloween. I think getting to dress up as something you could/would never be is so much fun. My Mom was much craftier then I am because she would always make our costumes and even her own. I am not that crafty, I have to buy costumes.
My son wanted to be spiderman this year and it happens that my sister-in-law bought him just that costume. My daugher is going to be Tinkerbell because that was a costume we had handed down to us.
Perfect!

They are having a little parade at school and a party. My first school party! I signed up as soon as the sign up sheet went up and volunteered to bring cookies. I don't think I will make them but I will buy something very festive for their "harvest party".
Last year E was away on business for halloween so this year he is excited to go house to house with us. We will be pushing our favorite candy on the way and you can read about that here.

Remember when you would collect your candy in a brown paper bag or a pillowcase? Now they sell cool buckets that the kids all want but they cost $8.00 for something that they use for an hour once a year!
I remember carrying the unicef box that they would hand out in school too, collecting money and treats.
Ohh, and how about those plastic masks with eye holes barely cut out in them. Very safe for kids crossing the streets at night!

What is your favorite Halloween memory as a kid?

Muffins and Fate

Today at Starbucks the barista gave me a pumpkin muffin instead of the blueberry one I wanted. I was pissed at first but still hungry so I took a bite. Hunger always overrides pissed.

It was pretty good, but I was still pissed. My tastebuds were all set for blueberry.

That gets my mind working. Is that a sign? Am I ordering something but getting something else on purpose? Am I destined to make lemonade out of the lemons that were given to me instead of apples?
Is the great fates of the universe giving me a sign?
Should I change my life or my outlook?
OR

Is the barista at Starbucks just dumb?

Sick

I am calling out sick today from blogging because my son is sick. Twins share everything including germs so I am in preventitive mode for my daughter. One sick kids is bad enough, two is when I jump from the top floor of my home.

We wouldn't want that, now would we?

Haunted Houses and Favors

I am so excited we are going here tomorrow night. It is parent's night out and we are doing it BIG. Some Philly cheese steaks and a haunted prison.
Now, that is class.

In other exciting news, I have started a new blog. It is a parenting blog and although I am unqualified for it, some cats hired me to write it and you will find it here: www.parentingourchildren.com.
Now for the favor part of this entry. I am asking all of you to link my new blog onto yours.
Please?
Then go to my blog every day and lick on all the linkyness I have going on there.

You can forget that last part, but linking to me? Linking is good.
I would appreciate it and hey, if you ever need a kidney you know who to come to.

Well, maybe not a kidney but a haunted house referral?
Now that is where I am at.



edit: Thanks for telling my my link wasn't working, I think I fixed it now.
I will continue this blog, because this is my personal blog. Lets call it my first love.
The new blog, is for paper, bills, cashola, dinero, money or whatever you want to call it. It will be updated frequently as I agreed to ten posts a week.
What was I thinking??

Surprise Tears

I went to the grocery store the other day while the kids were at school. It was early morning and the store was pretty much empty which I love and I was kid free, which I love even more.

I got my weekly goodies and headed off to the checkout. What usually happens when the store is quiet is that there are only 2 or three lanes open and a small line forms, and today was no different. I got in line and hung out just as I heard a new baby cry.

There was a mother with her three month old infant boy in his car seat in the line next to me. He was crying and she was rocking him in his seat.

Just then, I started to cry.
My reaction surprised me and at first I didn't even know why those tears sprang to my eyes.
I realized that I was sad about the babies I lost.
I tried to hold back my tears, reminding myself that I had two beautiful kids already and that I could try again in December, that the miscarriage was for a reason, something wasn't right with the babies.

The reaction surprised me but my resolve did not. I know I am strong, I know I can fight for what I want and I know I will.

I just know.

The Presence Process

After my thyroid cancer scare my homeopath doctor suggested I meditate. He even suggested a book that he thought would be good for me.
I ordered the book last week and I just recieved it. Although I have only skimmed through the pages, it looks promising.

It is a very hard thing, to stay in the moment and to really think of all you have rather then to look ahead so much and worry or lust for things you want or "need".
I think it is important for me to teach that to my children, a lesson that is hard in this "keeping up with the Jones" time.

Meditation kind of scares me. I can't imagine just turning off my mind, my thoughts. You know how hard that it is if you ever have trouble falling asleep.
I can't imagine achieving it.
You probably don't even know you are achieving it because you can't say to yourself " I am doing it!".

Wish me luck with at least getting a chance to read the darn book!

I Am Pissed At..................

We can all agree Chuck E. Cheese is a horrible, terrible place for us to frequent but why the hell are there so many people there?

What else can we complain about? Sticky gross lollipops?
How you can never get the spout of a sippy cup really clean therefore you throw it out only to have to purchase 348 sippy cups in your lifetime?
Don't even get me started on the sippy cups with straws.

So what do you want to complain about today? I will join in on your anger.

The Devils Playground

Yesterday we had a first. We had out first friend from school birthday party.
It was at a place I vowed never to return, Chuck E. Cheese.

I can see how it is fun for the kids, because they did love it, having never been there before, but it was stressful for me.
It was so loud with the machines ringing and SO many kids running around it is definitely sensory overload. My son usually doesn't do well with that kind of noise and activity level but he did like the games and ride ons.
I was just so afraid of losing one of the kids I was frantic the entire time. I was holding my purse, the kids coats, our tokens all the while making sure both of them followed me.

I won't take the kids back because there are so many cool play places and outdoor things to do here, to me it is a waste, but they did have fun.

I, on the other hand, added 14 new gray hairs to my collection.

Coffee

E is away on business again and I have returned to a walking zombie. The kids woke up on 5 different occasions last night to ask for ridiculous things like :
You didn't put my blanket on
You didn't put my blanket on correctly
My stuffed animal has fallen out of my bed
I need a sweater to keep myself warm
and
The cats keep playing in my room.

I am a mess this morning. I realize I cannot figure out the perfect amount of coffee to water ratio and my coffee was too weak today.
Yesterday it was too strong.

I really need E home because I need my coffee and dunkin donuts doesn't deliver for some strange reason!
Oh, yeah, and because I miss him.

What's Old Is New, Again?

Lets get this straight, you want me to wear big belts, skinny jeans, bubble skirts and leggings again?

Ummmmm, no thank you.

These fashion trends are ok for 15 year old but not for a grown ass lady. I can and will do the long sweater tunics, but that is my limit. My limit!
I grew up in the 80s, I have been there done that.
I am NOT coming back for fashion seconds.

McWishful

I have succumbed to a power greater then myself.
Brace yourself.
I have found myself watching Grey's Anatomy.
I know, the horror of it all is unbelievable.

I usually hate shows that have all these bandwagon jumpers unless I started watching the show from the beginning, like I have with Lost.
Dancing with the stars, Prison Break, Grey's, I say no thank you to them all.
But the summer was so boring, and I needed something to watch that was new to me every once in awhile so I rented the first season.
I got into it midway through the episodes and now I am an official bandwagon jumper.
I am so proud.

How can you resist, the men on that show are fantastic. There is the cover staple of magazines right now, Patrick Dempsey, the vet Chris O'Donnell and the hotty Eric Dane.

It got me to thinking, which guy would be for me? Would I take the unavailable, handsome doctor who can't make a decision about who to be with? McDreamy is the guy you picture marrying when you are 15.
The sweet, romantic type that loves animals? McVet is the kind of guy you always say you want but leave him for the bad boy.
Or would I take the hot, sexy, no commitment type of guy? Mc Steamy is the bad boy, who you wish could have a little more McVet in him.

I would take McSteamy. He is just the best looking guy I have ever seen.
Yummy, yum, yum.

So, which Grey's man would you take?

Enjoy The View

I have become obsessed with watching the first fifteen minutes of the view every day. I just have to see what ridiculous thing Elisabeth will say or wear.
really, she wore a tiny polka dot blazer just last week.
I swear.
She really gets me all fired up, but I love that Rosie and Joy are there to put her in her place.
I mean just the insinuation that maybe the ten little girls wouldn't have been shot in their school house if the teachers, who are also their Mothers, were armed also, just made my blood boil. Boil!

Don't even get me started on Barbara.


I think my son has finally pushed through in regards to school. Today when I dropped him off he was in good spirits, wasn't shy and assured me he would do circle time and art today.
That will score him some disgusting gummy treats that the kids love but I think were created by the devil, aka the dentist, because those are near impossible to brush out of the molars.
It is a master plan people, a master plan.

Rainy Days are Mall Days

I may have some good news to share with you soon.
That would be so great wouldn't it? Aren't you sick of hearing about how sad my life is and how nothing ever goes right for me?
I am sure you are as sick of it as I am of living it. Why do you even come back? Why? Why?

Maybe our luck has changed.
Maybe.

I took the kids to the mall today to have lunch and buy the tinkerbell crown my daughter has to have for her costume. I tried to get away with just a fluffy scrunchy type thing for her hair but she was disgusted and said she needed the crown. How dare I.
I swear this kid is only three. She just acts, yells and talks like a 15 year old.

When we get to the mall the Disney store is all black. It turns out nobody showed up for work today.
That was the rumor in the mall anyway.
It was a packed store with new merchandise so I know it wasn't closed for good.
There is nothing worse then a closed Disney store to a three year old. That much I can tell you.
Well, besides being tinkerbell for Halloween without a crown!

Bugs

I think I got all of you on my blogroll now. Thank you for all the new reads, I love a nice new read.
I will check them all out this weekend.
*************************************************************************

It seems like all the bugs in all of the world have taken up residence in my house. Since it turned into fall here in NJ, the bugs are seeking a warm place to live in my house.
They should know better.

I love animals, I really do. I have cats and I have had dogs, birds, rabbits and hampsters as pets, I frequent the zoo and love going on nature walks.
BUT, I do not like creatures in my house unless they have been invited in.

Last week we had a skunk in our garage, which was a scary situation. I wanted him out but didn't want to scare him out because, obviously, I didn't want to smell skunk in my house for the next 56 years.

In the past week I have found crickets, spiders and flies.
I am not one of those people who captures the spider and lets him go in the garden to live out his life and eat all the "bad bugs".
To me, all bugs are bad if they are in my house.
I kill them and I do it with force. I squeeze their tiny bodies like I was squeezing a lemon and then flush them for good measure.
I don't want any bugs to resurrect.

If they bug is too big for me to kill, like anything bigger then a nickel, I call in reinforcements, namely E.
He kills them for me.
I love that about him. I just yell "bug!" and he will walk into whichever room I am in, armed with a tissue and kill it no questions asked, no comments made.
If E is not home when the offender makes himself known, I will suck him up with a vacuum and then continue vacuuming the floor for good measure.

I can admit it, my name is Tuesday, and I am a bug killer.

Me, Adult?

Thanks guys, I love your blog suggestions.
Also, wow, there are so many blogs that I read and I didn't have you guys on my blogroll! I am bad at hooking a sister up.
Excuse me: sista.

It feels like it was just yesterday that I would wait up for my parents to get home from back to school night. I would drill them about my teachers, how they liked them, what they said about me, which ones they remembered (I grew up in the same town my parents did) and inevitably, which teachers thought my Dad was cute.
Now it is my turn. Tonight is back to school night at my kids school. It isn't an official back to school night, because they are only in preschool, but it makes me feel old.
Like I am an adult.
Who knew I would get old?

Por Favor

My blogroll is a little sparse. I know my blog is your favorite but I would like you to send me one or two of your favorite blogs for me to check out.
Plus, if your blog isn't on my list let me know and I will remedy that immediately.

School

Today, like every school day so far, my son has clung to my leg and asked to go home. My daughter walks right in, hands the teacher her apple she picked for her this weekend and started to play.
My son clings to my leg so I cannot walk, refuses to talk to the teacher, lets his apple fall to the floor and whines he wants to go home.

I make him stay because it is a great school and he needs to be more independent from me and his twin sister, he needs more socialization and I need a break.
Plus, for what I am paying a month for two lousy half days, he is staying!

He is a child that needs time to warm up and the teacher says after 15-20 minutes or so he is fine and plays and has fun.
Now the question is should I make him keep going?
This is just preschool here, but I am not sure he will let his sister go without him, but I do not want to continue to pay over $500 a month to have his sulk for 20 minutes a day.
He can sulk at home with me for free.

I will talk to his teachers tomorrow at parent/teacher night.
That makes me feel like an adult.
Parent/teacher conferences are for adults and stuff and I will plan not to wear something too cleavage revealing and bring a note pad. I also plan to sit at those little tables and to sniff the paint and paper that smells just like school and brings me back 25 years.

Although, I do feel like a terrible Mom today because when I got home, I read the calendar for this month and today was pizza day!
Nobody told me!
My kids are going to be the only ones who have to eat a crappy sandwich I packed with love instead of pizza!
I actually do feel terrible and I imagine them all alone at a table eating their shitty apple I packed while all the cool kids are at another table laughing and singing and eating their fun pizza lunch.

I think I need intense therapy.

BRUUUUUUCE!

It is no secret that my kids are bossy.
Let me clarify, my daughter is really bossy and my son is bossy only 50% of the time.
They have not caught on to the fact that I am the boss of this entire house and all the souls that reside in it.
Duh.

My kids are music lovers, the love classical music, pop and one particular Hulk cd that makes you want to poke holes into your ears.
I have no problem with listening to music that they like all day but lately it has become obnoxious.

First it was the obsession with the song "You're Beautiful" by James Blunt. I liked that song as much as the next guy...................when it came out.
Now?
Not so much. Overkill.
We had to listen to it over and over, and when it wasn't being played on the stereo, it was being sung by my kids.
Loudly.
Very cute the first 300 times, after that, not so much.

Then my daughter wanted the Kidz Bops cd, she saw on television. It included the "beautiful song" my daughter loves. So, I bought it for them.

Now it has turned into the fact that I cannot drive .3 miles without a request for their new favorite song. Guess what it is?
Badlands by Bruce Springsteen.

I like Bruce, I like the E street band, heck I was the one who was listening to the cd when I picked them up from school introducing the song into their tiny song
repertoires.
As a resident of the state of NJ, you have to like Bruce.
It is the law. We should even be forced to wear shirts to show our support of NJ and Bruce.
Maybe one that says "WWBD?" ( what would Bruce do?) or "NJ is the Boss" or even "I pay the highest property taxes in the nation and all I got was this lousy t- shirt and I love Bruce".

I am on a roll.
Now I have to go apply for a government job, I can't let all this go to waste.

Fall

I have nothing to write about today.
Nada.

I think my daughter is fighting a cold, she woke up this morning tired. I am letting her sleep the day away and giving her vitamin C. E is sick and I can only deal with one sick child at a time.

Tomorrow we will go apple and pumpkin picking. The kids have been looking forward to it for months. It is such a great time of year with apple cider, fresh baked donuts, apple pie, carving pumpkins, fresh crisp air.
I really love fall.
Here in NJ some of the leaves have started to think about turning colors.

What are your favorite things to do in the fall?

Our Anniversary

As I waited in the doctor's office to be called in, a old man came in pushing his equally old wife in her wheelchair. He wrote her name down on the sheet, pushed her into a comfortable spot and sat down next to her.
Just as he sat down he bounced back up, he unbuttoned the single button on her sweater that he had lovingly placed over her shoulders.
She was handicapped, in what way I didn't know, but she didn't have full control over her muscles and would scream out every few minutes or so.
I stared at them, not because I found her to be a freak but because of the love they had.

That little, frail man cared for his wife in every way possible even though he himself was not young and spry anymore. He wiped the drool from her chin, he took her to doctor's appointments, he waited with her, he made small talk with the people sitting closest to him, he asked her if she was warm or too cold, despite the fact she never answered him.
Call it what you will, what I saw that day from that man was true love. It brought tears to me eyes, and it made me think of my husband.

On Friday we celebrated our sixth wedding Anniversary.
It wasn't a good day by any means, it became clear that I was truly miscarrying our babies and I felt like a failure to my husband. He had never made me feel like that, that was all me.
In the height of my sadness and anger I asked why is all this happening to me, I felt like God's cruel joke the past three years.
I would finally gather myself and I remembered who was sitting by me all those trying times, through the surgery, the needles, the funeral and all the bad news.
It was E.

My love for him has grown more then I thought it could. I love him so very much, more then I could ever express here.
The greatest writers and poets could never convey how great of a person, husband and Father he is.
I won't even try.

On our wedding day, six years ago, the sky was so blue and was speckled with puffy clouds. It was the day you dream about when you picture your wedding. Warm and so very beautiful.
On Friday we had the exact same weather here. On this day though, we weren't in a limo wearing fancy clothes, we were driving home to meet some of the people who were with us that very day, and we had two beautiful healthy kids in the car with us.
Our kids.

That is how I know that through the storms and rain, when we don't think we can make it through in one piece, we will come out into the sunshine and things will be so clear.
So very clear.

The Way It Was

Last week we went for our first ultrasound and the technician told us the babies (three!) were measuring very small for my LMP date which would have made me 10 weeks. We did an internal ultrasound (yuk) and found they were tiny, too tiny for a heartbeat. The technician was all "this is very rare, I have only seen it two other times in 19 years" and "wow, this is exciting" and I was all "how callous can you be bitch? This is my life and these blobs were my babies and you are telling me they are no longer existing in the same sentence as "wow"???
She was a whore.

Ahem.
So the next day I go back to the OBGYN where all the pregnant ladies are and wait to see the doctor who tells me that maybe, just maybe there is a chance that they could be growing so lets do a blood test every two days. I agree because I don't want a D&E and if there is a chance I will take it. But I had no hope.
The next day I start bleeding. That happened to be our sixth Anniversary. More on that later.
What should you do when you are miscarrying your babies? Well i went to Carters to buy a gift for my friend then went home to visit her and her new baby born the day I found out my babies were no longer growing.

Irony and those life/death, the world goes on thoughts did not escape me.

Yesterday I had the D&E because I did not get rid of all the "debris" in my uterus. For the first time in four days I don't have terrible cramps.

It is a new day with a new start.

And we will start fresh now, with a clean slate. E & I are good, because we have each other.


Again, thank you all, who left comments and emailed me. I really do appreciate it and it comforted me to know I was not alone. Women are strong and when we circle the wagons to help each other through good times and bad, it just makes us stronger.

Every Day It is Something New

I swear I am ok. I was just in a sad funk there this past weekend but I am fine. I really just want this to be over but I didn't get everything "out" by myself so now I have to have a D & E today. I really am sick of my feet up and people doing things to my girly parts, really sick, but I have to do it.

Another operation is something I wanted to avoid.

I promise I will write soon, I have lots to tell you.

Alone

Look to the clock on the wall
Hands hardly moving at all
I can’t stand the state that I’m in
Sometimes it feels like the walls closing in
Oh Lord what can I say
I am so sad since you went away

Time time ticking on me
Alone is the last place I wanted to be
Alone what can I say
Drowning my troubles away
Drown in my sorrows same way
It seems no matter how hard I try
It feels like there’s something just missing inside

Oh Lord what can I say
I am so sad since you went away
Time time ticking on me
Alone is the last place I wanted to be
Alone what can I say
Oh alone what can I say
And how many rules can I break
And how many lives can I make
And how many roads must I turn
To find me a place where the bridge isn’t burned

Oh Lord what can I say
I am so sad since you went away
Time time ticking on me
Alone is the last place I wanted to be
Oh Lord what can I say
I am so sad since you went away
Time time ticking on me
Alone is the last place I wanted to be
Alone what can I say

Oh alone what can I say

Skip This

First I want to thank all of you that are thinking of me and my family and sending prayers. I don't know if you know that is really is comforting and very sweet of you. I really, really appreciate it.
Now for my venting, and really, you should skip this shit because I am pissed now and you don't need all this negativity.

I am so fucking tired.
Tired of problems, tired of the last three years being nothing but struggles and life altering events.
I am tired of death. I miss my Dad so much at times like this, he always knew what to do to make me feel better and I would snuggle under his arms and his grasp, just the sheer feeling of his arms around me would make me feel comforted.
I am tired of being so far away from all of my family. Yesterday E worked all day and then went to his second job that he took to pay for the kids preschool, and the kids were just tired and cranky and so was I. I just wanted someone to come and take care of the kids while I napped and cried by myself.
I am tired of struggling with our finances.
I am tired of cancer and sadness.
I am tired of biopsies, of getting blood tests, of surgeries and of doctor appointments.
I am just so sick and tired.

The Hardest One to Write

You guys did not do well with your one baby vibes.
Terrible in fact.
Last night we saw three blobs on the screen.

What I should have asked you to do was healthy, viable baby vibes because the three blobs were measuring 5-6 weeks while I am supposed to be 10 weeks and they couldn't find any heartbeats.

Needless to say we are so very sad and empty.

They are doing blood work on me to be sure my levels are not still going up before we do a D & C. I have no idea really what that entails, or what to expect. I really have no idea about anything anymore.

Friends

I was always popular.
I don't want to sound boastful or like I am bragging, but it is the truth. I always had a ton of friends, boys that wanted to date me and things to do every Friday and Saturday night.
I never understand why people would say high school sucked or they would never go back to high school, I don't have the same feelings. I loved it and I think it was a great time in my life.

Not to say I didn't have times where I hated myself, or that I didn't like a boy who didn't like me back, or thought I was too fat or ugly and didn't have enough friends. I had those feelings and anxieties just like every other teenager and young adult does.

One of my best friends joined myspace and was meeting all of these old friends she had. Some were from before I knew her and some where old friends of ours. She loved myspace while I thought of it as a younger kid/musician thing. It didn't interest me.
After some persuading, I joined yesterday.
The problem? I have no friends.
Well, I have Tom and my one friend but besides that, nope.
It is my worst nightmare come true!
Who cares if I have friends on myspace or not, I shouldn't care what other people think, or if people think I am an old loser. But I do care, I don't know why but I do.
I guess this is why people hated high school.

I do care.

Oprah Has Got Balls

Not literally, but driving with another woman alone for 10 days across country takes balls. Big ones.

Did you see the show yesterday? Lets discuss.

First off, I have a Chevy Impala, and it is a nice car, quiet, smooth ride, comfortable but it sure isn't the car to drive cross country in. I would thing something more along the lines of a Escalade or a big old lady car would be better. Something to stretch out in, to lay down, to fit 700 cds, snacks, orthopedic back pillows and slippers in, which are all recommended, by me, for any trip over two hours long.
We have traveled 6 hours in the Impala to New Hampshire, and while it was fine, it bordered on being not roomy enough for that trip.
As a side bar, six hours in my LIMIT in a car, anything farther then that I fly.

Secondly, why did Oprah even start that trip without a bag of snacks. We are talking about some hard candy, bottles of water, soda full of caffeine and chips?
She is out of touch. She needed someone to tell her about the snack bag.

Did you see how Oprah didn't know how to pump gas? Yeah, well that is me. I have never pumped gas ever, in my life. New Jersey has a mandatory pump for you law, so I just pull up and pay. Easy and fun!

I can't wait to see more of Oprah and Gayle's trip, it can only get better. I mean I get bored of the radio on all the time too in the car but to drive for ten days in silence with NO radio? Not even talk radio? Oprah is out of her mind.

Today on Oprah, NJ's disgraced Governor trying to explain why he used taxpayers money to run around on his wife with some other guy. EVEN when she was in the hospital from complications after giving birth to his child.
Hiring his lover, an Israeli nationalist to head the anti-terrorism group in NJ.
I mean NJ, which is the most populated state in the country and has the highest property taxes, which are raised every fucking second, where the residents have to hear that the schools don't have enough money, funded this cat's sexual romps all around this state including some of our finest rest stops (ewww!).

I can't wait until 4pm!!!

Walk it Off

I decided I have to walk every day to keep healthy and keep some excess weight off. I really do not want to be the person that gains 60lbs with her pregnancy.
So I walked while the kids used their scooters for forty minutes this morning.

Then I came home and cancelled everything out because I ate two donuts.
WTF??

I need someone to say "stop eating that crap, you don't need donuts, the baby doesn't need a gross sugar overdose before it is even born. Don't you want to be healthy?"
Then I will say "hey, I wanted friggin spinach, but I can't have that. The donuts were there, and I ate them, lay off".

So really, even if I had the tough food love, I would still do whatever I wanted.

Damn ego.

I Want What I Want

Yesterday I woke up with a craving. It is not a pregnancy thing, I always have a strange craving, then I will get it and that will be that. If I want something gross like White Castle hamburgers I will get it and have some and I won't crave it again for another year.
Yesterday it was for spinach. Spinach sauteed with some garlic and olive oil to be precise. Well, of course that is the day all the spinach in all the of the US has been tossed in the garbage because it was killing people.
Damn spinach. I already had some delicious e coli from a craving I had in Maine 9 years ago.
Needless to say I have never eaten at Burger King since.

Jeez, I girl just wants some iron.

TMI Friday

Yesterday the naps went well, today? Not so much.
I guess they are not into naps as much as this fetus and I am. They are really missing out because it is perfect napping weather, cool and rainy.

I am so tired this pregnancy that I wonder how I worked full time last pregnancy without killing people and/or vats of caffeine.
I guess I am four years older and time just kicks your ass.

As far as pregnancy is concerned I also forgot about how big my boobs get. I swear they are huge. I am a C cup anyway, but already my cup runneth over. I told E last night I have to purchase a myriad of bras in varying sizes.
This won't be pretty.
I would post pictures but for that, you will have to donate something like babysitting time, cases of booze or cold hard cash.

Recently, I also was harshly reminded of the gas issues related to pregnancy. It is a terrible problem as they are killing me softly.
Actually, they do not expel softly, they are loud but thank goodness always scent free.
Is this TMI? Well too bad.
This is my blog and I will type about farts if I want to.

Another Rainy Day

Yesterday I went home and had lunch with my friends. Old friends, from high school and one is m,y friend from 6th grade.
The four of us are very close, always have been and every month or so we get together. One of my friends is going to have her first baby any day now, another one is four months pregnant, I am nine weeks pregnant and my last friend is trying for her second baby.
As you can imagine we had a lot to talk about.
And we ate.

Today I am exhausted, I just laid in bed this whole time the kids were in school. That is ok though, I am not going to feel guilty about it.
My son still gets very nervous when we walk into the classroom, he gets shy and doesn't want me to leave. My daughter takes off as soon as we get in their and is too busy to even say goodbye.
They are so opposite. I hope keeping them in class together helps him adjust a bit easier. I think the support of his sister is great for him.

Now, I am going to pick up my kids for school and suggest we all take a nap! Lets hope that goes over better then it sounds.

One

Have you been saying your "one baby" mantra for me? Because I am going to the doctor's office in a few minutes and if I have more then one baby in my body, I will blame you guys.

Yes, you.


Edit: What a bust! I went to the doctor's office WAITED for an hour and then didn't get an ultrasound! They do it separate from your first visit. I never even thought to ask because the first visit at my last office was all in one with blood/urine and the ultrasound. Now I have to wait until next week to find out if there is one bean or two*.
Bummer. But I do have a due date, April 19th.


* I will not even entertain the thought of three babies and whoever dared to write about having three babies in this blog, should be forced to watch the president's speech on a loop for three days straight. How dare you.

It Is Another Perfect Day

I remember how beautiful the day was five years ago. The skies were clear, the temperature a perfect September day.

I remember working at my new job that morning, bored because I was one of the only people in my office.

I remember hearing that we were under attack, that we should all go home, that all the bridges and tunnels into and out of NYC were closed.

I remember wondering where E was in NY that day, wondering if he ws ok, wondering if he was ok, if he could get home, wondering if he was alive. Calling and calling but the phones were overloaded, I couldn't get through for an hour.
I remember him finally calling me, he was safe, tears started flowing. He made it through the Tapanzee bridge right before it closed, he was smart enough to leave NY the minute he heard the news.

I remember driving home, to my little house in the woods, on top of the mountain. The mountain that had a perfect view of NYC. The mountain where we watched the smoke billow in the September air. The smoke was the only thing out of place in that perfect day.

I remember the fighter pilots that flew what felt like inches above my head, all day and night.

I remember being scared.

I remember waking in the night to ask my husband if that terrible sounds I was hearing was thunder or were we being bombed?

I remember hearing that my friend from high school was in the building.

I remember how sad I was. How sad I still am.

I remember.

Cravings

I have passed the queasy faze of the pregnancy I hope for good. You know, where smells make you sick to your stomach and NOTHING is appealing to eat? There were plenty of days where I would only eat one meal because of the queasy factor, and while some things do make me sick to think about, I think (hope) I have moved passed that.

We may have moved into the "I want everything as a craving" portion of the pregnancy. Where every day it is something new and delicious to eat.
Monday-tacos! Tuesday- burgers! Wednesday- pasta! Thursday- Ice cream!!!
Friday- a salad with everything in it!
You get the picture.

I am glad that I am not a gross pregnant eater. Like my friends who crave bananas and ketchup or the women who have pica cravings.
I am not a pickle and ice cream eater. I am just an over eater.
Oh, God, I just pray I don't gain too much weight. I only gained 19.5lbs with the twins and I highly doubt that will be the case this time.

So, tell me what your worst pregnancy cravings were, and maybe I will send a prize to the grossest craving.


This prize may or may not be bananas and ketchup.

Baby, Baby

I was supposed to go for my first OB appointment today and find out all the good things you find out on your first visit.
I got there 15 minutes before my appointment, E walked in to meet me about 10 minutes later. Fifty minutes after that my name was still not called. I had to go up and make a new appointment because I had to leave to pick up the kids from school.
The office is a busy one but waiting that long is ridiculous and I wouldn't go back to her except she was the one who found the lump on my thyroid and I am grateful to her. Very grateful.

So my new appointment isn't until Tuesday, so five more days of doing the "singleton" baby dance. We do only want one baby this time around. No more.
Of course my twins were a huge blessing but we would like to try one this time, thankyouverymuch.
I do have a 20-25% chance of having twins again, so that scares the crap out of me.
I don't know my actual due date, but I think my due date will be somewhere in mid April.

So that is why I haven't been able to sleep, and have been so tired. It is also why I was miserable while I was sick, because I couldn't take anything.

This will not turn into a pregnancy blog, but you will hear me complain from time to time and rejoice and even cry a little because you know how those hormones are.
Right now though? I just need a nap.

What, You Didn't Know?!

Things I have forgotten to tell you:

*My kids are strange. They don't like chicken fingers, French fries or hamburgers but they love guacamole, feta cheese and blue cheese.

*I have reluctantly been watching the first season of Grey's Anatomy. Everyone just wouldn't shut up about it. The first season was ok, but now I have to rent the second season when it comes out in a week to see if it gets better. If it doesn't what are all you people talking about?

*My Mom sends me inspirational stories from belief net, which I think is some religious website. I always delete them without reading them.
I feel guilty about that.

*I feel really sad about the crocodile hunter, I liked him and his shows a lot but the sadness is lingering.

* I am severely lacking on catching up on all my blogs. I am still a little sick and it has been affecting my web time.

*Oh, yeah, and I am pregnant.

School

Today my babies started preschool!
I have mixed feelings today, I am proud and happy for them and also sad they are so big and a little melancholy about being without them four hours, two days a week.
I think it will be good for all of us to get away from each other for a little while each week and it will be a great learning experience for them.

They did great, we brought them into their classroom, they saw their teacher and some boys were already in class. They showed their teacher their lunch and didn't want to put their lunch boxes in their cubby, they wanted to hold onto it.
My daughter was fine, she was surrounded by all the boys but my son was a little unsure. "Are you staying?" he said "no, Mommy will go home to wait for your school to be over then I will come and pick you up" I told him.
"ok, Mommy". I kissed him and hugged him and E bent down to hug him and seeing my tall husband kissing his children goodbye on their first day of school, made me lose it.
I started to cry.

I feel like it was yesterday that they were kicking up a storm in my stomach and today they are little people with their own desires and needs. They boss E & I around, they know what they want and when they want it, they know so much already but to me they will always be my small babies.

I can't wait for them to get home to tell me how their day was, and all the things they did today. I am sure I will grill them because I want to know everything.
After all, they still are my babies and always will be.

Cold Part Deux

I am now officially really, very sick.
I can't smell, or taste.
I can't swallow without my throat hurting.
I can't sleep with my mouth closed.
I can't go up the stairs without being out of breath.
I can't go 10 minutes without blowing my nose 15 times.

I did go to the store this morning to get ingredients for chicken pot pie soup. I don't know how I did it.
I just hope my kids who do have little colds don't get worse and that E gets home from work soon.

Feed a Cold

You guys like to see my makeup huh? Maybe I will post the other makeup bag and its contents tomorrow. Unless you don't care, which you probably don't.
I get it.

I don't feel great today, this dreary, rainy weather doesn't help. I am fighting off a headache and I feel a chest cold coming on.
How am I supposed to fight off this terrible cold when my favorite soup store will not have my "chicken pot pie filling" soup for another two weeks?
Why, is there a chicken soup shortage in NJ that I wasn't aware about?

Really I could make the darn soup myself but that brings about the question as to how committed I am about this soup. Committed enough to go to the store with two kids, buy ingredients then wait hours while I make it?
Honestly I was just up to call E and ask him to pick me up the soup on his way home.
That was as far as I wanted to go with it.

I really hate being sick in the summer, no good comfort foods.

Makeup Meme

Very Mom started this meme of sorts and since I loved it, I decided to participate.
Here is my makeup bag and its contents:

Here we have my trusted old makeup bag, big enough to carry a small child. I have various lipglosses, Mac Lipglass in Culture and Beaux and Juicytube in Miracle.

Loreal mascara that I never use, because it sucks. I only use Clinique mascara, it is the only wand I like and I have tried them all.

Various brow brushes and a Mac cheek brush that is part of a set which may be my prized possesion. Also some eye liners. One in black the other in charcoal grey.

Eye lash curler. Love it.

Mac blush in Slave to Love and Springsheen (which is my new love)

Clinique shadows in soft shimmer, be mine, seashell pink, fawn satin, beach plum, double date and a couple more that the names are scratched off of.

This is just one of my makeup bags mind you, I have another smaller one behind it and I just couldn't document all of my shit. There also may, or may not be some more makeup in my bathroom and about 8 more lipsticks in my purse.

I also have a massive container of Neutrogena lotion sesame formula which is so light and smells SO good. It is my favorite. I also have a vat of lotion to the right in creme brulee scent. Good, but you want to lick yourself after you put it on.

As a bonus I will show you more lotions and my perfumes. Voila!

School Days

Tonight is an open house and A & B's preschool. I am nervous and excited. I feel like it is my first day at school. I have never been a mother of a child that goes to school, how exciting!
They don't start until next Tuesday and they are only going two half days, but already I have a ton of questions.
What do I pack for lunch? I guess I need to buy disposable spoons so if they don't come back with the lunch I won't be patting down the staff looking for my good spoons. Do you always wear sneakers to school? What if they don't make any friends? Do I give the kids the "nobody touches your private parts" speech now?

I know I am freaking out a little bit, but my babies are going to leave me four hours a day twice a week and do their own thing! That is major.

Wasn't it yesterday they were kicking in my belly? I could have sworn that was just yesterday.

Who Has It Worse?

My son has been crying for about an hour now. I put the kids in for their nap and he started crying immediately. He doesn't want to sleep in the room I put them in, their bedroom, he wants to sleep in another bedroom. Apparently it is a "bad room" and "not the good room" for sleeping.
I told him no because when I do let him "sleep" in the other room he gets up and plays with his toys instead of sleeping.

Now he is screaming and crying, mostly because he is tired, but also because he is stubborn. Like his mother.
Now I am wondering who is getting punished here? Me because I have to listen to his crying for a silly reason or him because I am not giving in to him?

Should you give in or will that teach children that is they cry long, or hard enough they eventually will get their way?
Should you always stand your ground because that teaches kids consequences, or what Mom says goes?
I try to let myself give in to the kids if I decided it is not worth the battle. I have to watch myself trying to keep my word just to let them know who is the boss instead of letting them get away with things every once in awhile.
It really is a fine line.

My daughter already knows that if she asks me something and I say "no" or "later" to go right to her father and ask him.
I think that is advanced. I thought I would have to wait another 5 years before I saw that behavior.
Obviously our children are beyond sneaky already.
Little do they know, their Mother is the queen of all sneaks.

Is it Really Almost September??

I didn't post anything yesterday because I was really sick. I felt terrible and my sister and nephews are here visiting and I was a terrible host. She took care of all the kids while I napped.
If that is not a good sister, I don't know what is.

Today I feel much better, I had a decent nights sleep, the first one in almost three weeks. Sleep makes everything better.
Today we will take the kids to an indoor play park, which will be slightly boring for us, but will tire all the kids out, which in the long run, is great for us.

Big things are going on in the Tuesday household. Changes, good and scary.
I will elaborate next week sometime. Sorry for being mysterious but I have to get things clear in my head first and E and I have to talk about some things before I can talk to you about them.
It is only fair.

Other then that, I am looking forward to a relaxing weekend and I will be doing a new meme this weekend for the kids.

Things I hate about today

Things I am sick of:

• Feeling sad all the time. I am sick of it and want to snap out of it.
• Not having the "me" money I had before the kids were born. Just money to spend any way I feel like it, on whatever I want without feeling guilty.
• cooking the same dinners over and over ( I really don't but it feels that way)
• not having any good books to read, any suggestions?
• having to wait until October 4 for new episodes of Lost
• not sleeping well at night
• my scalp being so dry, I need to find out why and get some new shampoo or something
• the lock on my stove is broken so when I put it on for self clean, it gives me an error message. We can't figure it out and I will have to pay $65 to Sears just for someone to come out & look. Parts, labor and whatever else is all additional. WTF? The thought of using chemicals to clean the oven and then baking my food in the fumes is not that appealing to me. I have to get this fixed.
• This freak who thinks wearing an orange jumpsuit to court will make him seem guilty to a jury, after he admits killing Jonbenet Ramsey. I think he is a liar and a freak anyway so jail is a great place for him.
• cleaning the playroom 45 times a day

Beautiful Baby

I love babies, they are so cute and small and always give me baby fever. Don't even get me started on the smell of babies. They always smell so good and the outfits! The outfits are so teeny tiny and cute. I don't even mind changing a tiny baby's dirty diaper, it is ok because look at how small the baby is!

I always congratulate the Mother on her new arrival and I always say how cute the baby is.

Sometimes that is a lie.
Yes, I lie to new Mothers and even a few old Mothers, and tell them how cute their kids are, when in reality I don't think they are that cute.

Lets face it, newborn babies are rarely cute, some look like aliens, others look like garbage pail kids and if they are born with a lot of hair some look like baby monkeys. I say they are cute because I am giving them the benefit of the doubt. They may be cute some day!

Not all kids are gorgeous, they will be to you, because they are your kids. Am I a terrible person for leading a parent on, telling them how cute I think their kids are, when in truth they are really not?
I mean when in doubt, just compliment the baby.

So next time you are out strolling your baby and you meet me, and I tell you your baby "is just adorable" make sure I am not twitching.
If I am, then just keep strolling.

Monday

We had a great time on our mini vacation at the beach. The weather was great, the water was warm and the waves were big. All of that makes a great vacation. We just hung out at the beach every day and played with the kids. Baby B got more daring and would play in the shallow water and even jump a few waves. I am very proud of her.

Yesterday we went to a birthday party for the son of one of my friends from work. It was a far trip but the kids had a great time. She had a pony for the kids to take some rides on. It turns out all the kids besides Baby B and one other little girl were scared of the pony and wouldn't ride him. So Baby B rode the pony almost for the full hour uninterrupted. She had a blast.
A didn't want anything to do with that horse and when I made him sit on him, cried to get down. I think he would have loved it if he gave it a chance but I am not going to torture him.
Who knew pony rides were torture.
Not my sister who asked for a pony every birthday and Christmas until she was 20. No, she never got one.
But hey, I never got the drum set I asked for either.
My parents put their sanity over their child's Christmas wish.
Good for them, I will have to teach that lesson to my kids early. Mom and Dad will try to get you great gifts as long as it doesn't poop, isn't loud or have anything to do with the wiggles.

Blue

I don't have much to say today. I could talk about how much I love my husband, or how when I can't remember things I ask my son and he will know. I could say how I can't sleep at night, my mind is just wandering, or how much the kids are looking forward to school.

The weather is dreary here today and, in normal fashion, my mood is following suit. I am bored, and restless.
The job I went to see about yesterday was offered to me, but at less pay then I want. I will go tonight to see about another job that is a possibility for me, if the pay is right.

Tomorrow we will leave for the beach for three days, a little break from reality. I will get to eat my favorite ice cream and sit on the beach and watch my kids play in the sand and beg me to catch sand crabs for them.
I will do it and love every minute of it.

Job

I have to find a job.
The kids are starting preschool after labor day and it is costing a small fortune. I have decided to roll up my sleeves and find a job part time that will cover that expense and maybe even meet some new friends in the process.

I had an interview today with a club in the next town over. I would be working some nights and weekends and it is an relatively easy job. The thing I am bummed about is that it seems to have a lot of down time. Don't get me wrong, I don't want a high stress job but I do want to occupy the hours I have to be there. There is nothing worse then sitting around watching the clock, dying to be at home.

Nonetheless, I have to do this for my family, so I think I will take the position if it is offered to me, which I am confident it will be.
I wish I could find something more lucrative, but until i find out what I would like to do, this is it.

I guess I am just melancholy today, I am feeling a little down and tired from being up half the night last night.
E & I are going to the beach again on Wednesday until Saturday and I am sure that will make me feel better.
Sun and fun always makes me feel better.

meme

Ok, Kelly in NC gave me this, 5 things, meme to do.

5 things I can't do:
* touch my tongue to my nose
*rollerblade
*bite into an ice cream
*see far away without my glasses
*make any friends here

5 things I can do:
*drop two eggs from my ovaries at a time
*cook
*knit
*remember anything and everything including what I wore for the first day of school in kindergarten
*bargain shop

5 things I want to do before I die:
*spend a month in Ireland
* sit on my porch and watch my grandchildren play in the yard
*go to Europe
*move closer to my hometown
*have another baby

5 things I say most often:
*No!
*What are you doing?
*No!
*We are going to target
*No!

5 movies I can watch over and over again:
*Titanic
*Rudy
*Steel Magnolias
*Nightmare on Elm Street
*Fools Rush In ( don't ask)

5 shows I love to watch:
*Lost
*Sopranos
*Nip/tuck
*Curb Your Enthusiasm
*Survivor

5 places I have been on vacation:
*Orlando, FL
*Florida Keys
* St. Lucia
* Bahamas
*Maine

5 of my favorite foods:
* Pasta
* any seafood
* Mexican food
*plums
*tomatoes


Exciting huh? Thanks again Kelly.

Tired

I am still recovering today. I haven't slept well in four nights so tonight is an ambien night! I really am too tired from playing with kids, catching up on my emails and washing a ton of clothes to write anything great day. Where is a good meme when you need one?!

Home Again, Home Again

I am have made it back to my clean, yet strangely smelling like patchouli, home.
I wonder what went on while we were gone that it smells like patchouli, and I am really grossed out by it. I will have to ask E when he gets home.
I am sure it was some sort of debauchery.

My family's beach house is amazing. It is a new huge and beautiful home filled with wonderfully soft towels, soft linens and endless bottles of water. The kids and I had a great time.

The first day out B was pushed down by a wave and that was it for the water for the next two days. Yesterday she finally got enough courage to slink back down to the waters edge and try jumping over the waves that trickled in. I am proud of her, she was overcoming her fear and I think that she is very brave.

Baby A was in the water with me, nonstop. It didn't take long for him to go from jumping the waves, to laying on a boogie board on the shore line to in the ocean with me, jumping the big waves like a pro. He was splashed in the face a few times and fell but he got right back up.
He only wanted to go into the ocean though, so I had to convince him a few times to play with his sand toys while I relaxed and read a magazine.

The kids were great on the beach, even napping in the sand and playing nicely. We were on the beach for at least 5 hours yesterday and they were perfect angels the entire time.
I actually did get a little tan and the kids didn't get burned, which was my main concern. I applied, and reapplied about 4 times on all of yesterday. I am fair but I tan and my kids have my coloring I think, but you can't take any chances when it comes to being outside without sunscreen.


The only downside to my mini vacation was that I have been missing my Dad a lot lately and thinking about him often. The ocean does that to me, because it is where some of my fondest childhood memories took place.
I am trying not to dwell on it to much because I am just so happy to have had a little break at the beach, even if E wasn't there to help.

Breast is Best

I am off to the beach with two kids, a zillion toys and no computer. I will be taking a blogging break while I am away.

I am sure you are upset.
No really, I will be back.
Stop crying, I will be back before you know it.

Before I go, i wanted to talk about this article I read and I even saw a report about it on one of those morning shows.
I really am not too shocked about how people reacted to the picture of a baby breastfeeding. Breast in this country are for sexual purposes only, and if you see a picture of the breast for its intended use, well, that is disgusting.

I hate that women are forced to hide to breastfeed their children, for fear of men or children might see what is a natural happening, a child being fed.
I think we need to support more women in doing what is best for their children, and breastfeeding is what is best, even the formula companies agree with that.

Whew.
Now, I am stepping off my soap box and going to the beach.

Beach Days

This weekend I am heading out to do some relaxing.
Some.
I am going to my Aunt's beach house with my kids but leaving the husband at home so he can work.
Poor him.
Not really because he will be the one getting a break while I am watching two kids and trying not to let them break the brand new house we will be staying in.
I have done this once before, I am just hoping this will be much easier because last time they were 18 months old, and that was a disaster.
Too hard to do by myself.

Now they are more independent, they don't like to eat sand and are allowed on stairs by themselves.

I am just hoping to be able to have fun with my family and get drunk every night, and not worry about the kids because they are so worn out by the days fun and sun, that they are passed out in blissful sleep for 13 hours.
At the very least I am expecting a tan.

Lets see how that goes.

Motherly Expectations

Being a parent is tough, we all know that.
I think you are always aware it will be hard but it is still one of those things you never know how tough, or stressful it will be until you have that first baby.

I know I had expectations on how I was going to raise my children when I was pregnant. I had been around babies and small children all my life, I knew more then most first time Moms, what I didn't know was how short I would fall of those expectations.

I thought I would be a perfect stay at home mom, feed them only organic, no preservative laden foods, they would always be on a routine, I would go out and do something with them every day, I would be in great shape because I would be home with plenty of time and energy for exercising.
There would be crafts and school lessons every day!

Real life didn't go that way. Yes, we mostly eat organic and yes, they have always been on a great schedule, but when I didn't expect was how hard it all was.
I didn't know about how I would second guess every disciplinarian decision I made, or if I was ruining my kids by not have enough interaction with other kids. How I feel terrible I can't afford to do more classes or activities with them. I just didn't know how tired every day I would be and intolerable whining and fighting is.

This past weekend I spent time with my good friend who is seven months pregnant. Hearing her tell tales of what she will and won't do when the baby comes and how great things will be, I just smiled.

I will never tell her that is not how things will be, that is for her to learn, in time. When she finds out that strict schedules, Einstein classes and bathing suits for a one month olds are great only in theory, I will be there to tell her that your expectations change, and it is ok.
I will tell her it is better then she could have ever imagined.

See That Puddle? Yeah, That is Me.

I have read so many bloggers complain about the heat this summer, but this post is different because, well, because it affects me.
It is supposed to be 104 here today and the heat index is going to be 115.
115!

This is New Jersey people, this is not Arizona where it is a "dry" heat. It is So humid when you walk outside the heat hits you in the face like a wall. An oppressive, hot, wet wall.
They also say the air quality is so bad, that you shouldn't be outside today at all.
What is that all about?

Today the kids and I are going to the free movies to watch Babe, and then I need to find a cover up for my bathing suit.
Fun for all! Limited time outside!

God, I love summer.

Misc.

Today is one of my favorite days of the year. Every summer one of my Aunts comes down to visit and brings my Grandmother.
I see my Grandmother often, but that is when I go home and visit her, she only comes here once a year because I don't get that many visitors and when my family does come they sleep over and spend the weekend. My Grandfather would never part with his wife for that amount of time, so she only makes a day visit once a year.

I love my Grandmother dearly, she is one of the most important people in my life. To have her here in the house I made with my husband and playing with my kids makes me proud and very happy.
I hope she lives forever because when she dies, I know I will never be the same.


****************************************
I really need a manicure. That is one of those cheap things that just makes a woman feel so much better about life. A manicure and pedicure is just heaven and, men, I highly suggest you make a nice appointment for your wife every once in awhile if she doesn't go herself. You will get BIG bonus points.

Manicures are one of those things I just can't do myself very well. I never can paint my nails as well or get my cuticles in line.
I am also strange about my color choices. I like darker colors for my toes and lighter colors for my nails. In the winter I will wear darker colors on my nails sometimes, but I generally prefer light colors. I am not a red girl. I occasionally try to wear red, but it really isn't my color.
I also only use essie nail polish because I think OPI peels on me.

I think a manny/peddy is in order for this week. I think I will make an appointment right now.